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The life of someone too young for this.

I’m very young. And I don’t feel the same way the teenagers do, and it makes me frustrated. I have times of being suicidal, cutting, or popping pills. It makes me feel like I’m showing the pain I feel on the inside, on the outside when I cut. As if words aren’t enough?

I abuse drugs because I don’t have to think about my problems then. I just feel like I'm such a bad person, cuz I never listen to my friends, and I pushed away the one person I loved MORE then the world, and he’s better off without me.

Everything that I do in life is such a mistake and I cant help the way I think, I just think this way, and I'm about to break-In SO bad in relationships and I’m really sexual with my boyfriends and girlfriends. I have SO MUCH anger for the whole world, and my ex-boyfriend that I pushed away, would tell me I was crazy [don’t judge him on that, it was only when we were fighting, he was honestly great to me]

I used to go to a therapist but I was thinking for a week or two and I told my mom I didn’t want to see her anymore cuz I didn’t think I need it anymore, and I stopped taking the medication I was on for depression, and everything was good for about four - five months and now everything is just bad, completely and utterly bad. And there’s nothing I can do about it. I’ve forgotten how to be happy, and it’s apparent to other people too [my friends and guys I like] I have a huge fear of being alone, and that’s exactly what I am now, I don’t have anyone here and no one gets how its different for me, they think they UNDERSTAND how I look at life and they DON’T, they know the way I am to them but not everything about me. It always seems like I have so much to handle all the fkn time and it makes me mad. And I’ve never had problems making friends or getting boyfriends or girlfriends, but I mean, there’s something missing and I’m lost. I’m tired of being like this. I JUST WANT TO BE HAPPY.

Life on the Border

Many times I have been told to write my story. Really it is nothing earth-shattering. Maybe where I was when it all came about made it more interesting to the people around me.

I never knew what BPD was until I was in college. HMMM? Could that be me in my Abnormal Psychology book? Nah, I don't have difficulty with personal realtionships. So I go about thinking maybe it's depression or stress.

But things keep spinning out of control. A desperate night led to self-injury to the point that I knew what I was doing would potentially harm or kill me. I quickly hid what I had done when my roommate came in and we smeared the seeds on a Chia-Tree and smiled broadly for a picture. That picture is a symbol for the many facets of the personality I have-deep and terrible pain inside and smiling and laughing on the outside.

"I feel like I am losing my edge." That's what I kept telling people. Finally I pulled up my sleeves at a therapy session and my secret was out. I felt so relieved but so embarrassed. Not even my therapist fully understood. She was so caring and concerned, but I kept on hurting myself through most of my college years. Prescribed pills filled my hands some nights and I worte notes, but would end up cutting instead. Relief for the moment.

After up and down for years, there was a time of remission. I was accepted into a masters program and my life had meaning. For 5 years I had a great life. I graduated cum laude and started my career. As an Occupational Therapist, I loved helping people who were recovering fom illness. Being with others was a joy and suicide and cutting were some bad memory of something stupid once I did.

Then tragedy...my therapist when I was in college died. No she didn't die, she committed suicide. I was devestated that someone who pulled me from the pits of despair was herself in a huge state of turmoil. I grieved a lot but recovered.

After 5 years of freedom from BPD symptoms, it all came back. In 1999 I was hit full on by a slow but steady return of symptoms. I was sad at first, then not sleeping, then drinking a lot, then not eating, then not going to work. Friends did notice the not eating, weight loss, no energy, and sunken eyes. Some questioned and I let few in. Older friends visiting actually thought I had cancer; I looked that bad. The cutting started again. I'd lay awake and couldn't sleep until I felt that release. Then sleep came for an hour and I was back up again.

After months of this, worried friends made me go to the hospital. I cried for the 45 minute drive to the nearest hospital with a Mental health Unit in NW Iowa. This was the beginning of a long jouney with BPD.

It was during this time I was actually told I had BPD. I refused to believe it and cried and fought against it. However, the more I learned the more I knew it was me. I was in the hospital 2 weeks then shipped off to IA City for a program for BPD (which really wasn't-just CBT with a twist). I felt better, adopted a dog and went on with my life-crisis averted.

Seven months later I was laying on the floor of my house with the dog next to me when I heard the pounding. I got up and let in the police and EMT's and then passed out on the floor. What I remember next are flashes of images, not being able to move and my throat hurting. I woke and struggled. A nurse came in. I was restrained and wanted out and why did my throat hurt? She told me I was trying to pull out the tubes so they restrained me and I had a tube in my nose to drain my stomach of the pills and alcohol I'd consumed. I was released for another 45 minute drive to the MHU.

The doctors and nurses in the MHU were confounded. The doctor actually sad he didn't understand me and seemed quite upset. I was out in 2 weeks. Eight months later I was back after another overdose. I was there for a month and don't remember most of it. They gave me ECT but didn't go the full course because even in the hospital, I was injuring myself with whatever I could find and saving my meds to OD there. Back to IA City.

Outpatient, inpatient, cutting, stitches, pills, alcohol, no sleep, spending, biting, burning, not eating or throwing up, not being able to work, threats of being placed in a nursing home setting or state hospital, ultimatums from therapists, fake DBT, placement in a independent living facility, more suicide, dissociation, more ECT, being on 11 meds at a time, Ritalin to stay awake, not being able to walk, confusion, isolation, being asked to leave my job, being committed by a unknowing MD, handcuffed in a shrrifs car, having the case dismissed, being forced out of my home and back to live with my mom. Years of this...years.

Back home with family was not easy. At least in the Twin Cities, I had the chance of having a psychiatrist that understands me. I hate the term "high functioning" but that's what they call me and that's what puzzled all the others. Not my new MD. She was the one I needed from the beginning. She listened, she asked good questions, she explained things, she wasn't amazed that I knew about my illness and brain chemistry, she took me off 9 meds. She saw me.

She also walked me up to the MHU in the hospital twice. I had a new job, but was out of work for a month then back and then in the hospital for a month. As the hospitalization number grew, so did my maddening behavior. I had to be restrained each time I was in the hospital due to self injury (biting self, banging my head, or cutting with whatever I could find). Even with someone watching me every minute, including going to the bathroom and showering, I found a way to hurt myself. I'd end up tied down and shot up with Haldol and Ativan.

Each hospitalization brought about a rally from me once out. I recovered and vowed never to go back. I failed and was devastated.

By this time I was in REAL DBT with a real DBT therapist and group. It was overwhelming and the group was difficult. I was in a room with 8 others like me and it was frightening. I tried and finished but didn't know what I was doing. I was still cutting and dissociating.

New hospital, same stuff. New house, same stuff. New job, same stuff. My house was visited twice after my therapist called them to take me to the hospital.

DBT helped me gain some insight and control. I was actually asking for help when I was distressed. Coaching calls became a lifeline for me. Processing through the moment was imensely helpful. It still took awhile to break the cycle though.

I consider myself lucky. After 3 rounds of DBT, I think I have it. After 7 years of revolving door hospital stays evey 6 months or less, I have not been in for over a year. After months of not being able to do my job, they still keep me around. After being a scary friend, most are still with me. After years of dealing with a suicidal daughter and sister, my family still loves me.

Now I have been self-injury free for over a year and have not been in the hospital for over a year. I do well without constant supervision of and calls to my therapist. I work everyday and live what could be seen as a "normal" life.

I try to live simply. I know that BPD can be lurking around a dark corner somewhere. I have my bad days, but that's all they are, bad days. I'm not mired in my gloom. I laugh and I see beauty. The line in the sand is disappearing. I don't stand on the border anymore. I chose a side and I think I like it here.

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Recovering from Borderline Personality Disorder with BPDR

While BPDR is an open website - meaning we do not require participants to have a formal diagnosis of Borderline Personality Disorder - we do want to provide those who choose to participate with a broad understanding of what the peer-support group discussion forums focus on.

What Is Borderline Personality Disorder?

We have a Book Store that offers some titles offering descriptions of Borderline Personality Disorder, what it's like to live with the disorder, how to cope with a friend or relative who has BPD, recovery tools and treatment options for recovering from Borderline Personality Disorder.

The store is operated through Amazon and any sale proceeds (small commission amounts paid to BPDRecovery Inc) are used to offset site operating costs. If purchasing your own copies of these titles isn't in your budget right now, you could check your library to see what you can read for free.

You are also encouraged to read our FAQ's about The Disorder and The Website for more information.

What Is The Focus of BPDR?

We believe that all treatment plans and recovery paths are unique to each person. Around here, the primary focus is on re-shaping our thoughts and taking responsibility for our actions.

We focus on separating our stuff from other people's so we learn to stand on our own, as unique people with our own sets of beliefs.

We also believe in Don Miguel Ruiz's Four Agreements and have found that they can really help us break our BPD-thought patterns which, in turn, influences the choices we make and the actions we take.

When faced with tough (or even ordinary) situations, we look to the Five Steps to help us make healthier decisions. Practicing these steps (usually after the fact for a while), we begin the process of overwriting the old tapes that play inside our heads.

We build up our tool kit and work with them often enough that we begin to see that the world isn't so black-and-white, that there are shades of grey.

We work very dilligently on shifting our perspective from the all-or-nothing and when we begin to see that we have the right and the ability to challenge our thoughts, we begin to live in that place we call recovery: healthy, happy living.

Who Participates at BPDR?

People from all walks of life and around the globe in all stages of life participate in the peer support group discussion forums of BPDR to discuss ways in which healthy, happy living (BPDR's definition of recovery) can be achieved. As previously mentioned, no one is turned away based on diagnosis. The BPDR Community is generally comprised of:

* People who have been formally diagnosed;
* People who have self-diagnosed;
* People who have friends or relatives who have been diagnosed;
* People who have friends or relatives they think may have Borderline Personality Disorder;
* People who are generally interested in reaching a place of healthy, happy living for themselves.

Are There Professionals at BPDR?

The majority of community members of the peer support group discussion forums are professionals in their own way - through their daytime vocations - however BPDRecovery does not have any licensed mental health professionals on staff or affiliated with the site in any way, shape or form. Please be sure to thoroughly read and review the Terms of Use at the time of account registration and check the Disclaimers of Materials Presented in the Announcements forum before participating within the forums.

If you are a professional of any sort which carries with it a title or commonly held label of any of the following, please contact us first, before registration and/or participation by emailing board @ bpdrecovery.com!

* licensed clinical social worker
* psychologist
* psychoanalyst
* psychiatrist
* counselor

While we do not object, in principle, to professionals carrying these titles participating, many of our members prefer to use the forums as a place of peer support rather than to be diagnosed, analyzed or "treated" by someone whose credentials cannot be verified, where a face-to-face session cannot be conducted, where liability cannot be contained, etc.

As such, there are some basic guidelines we would like to discuss with you before you engage with the members of the Borderline Personality Disorder Recovery forums. Penalty for failure to contact the Senior Community Leadership Team prior to engagement within the forums may result in sanctions, up to and including permanent ban from the forums and/or the website.

What Does This Cost?

There is no cost associated with any of the information, tools or resources offered at this site at any time. The book, "Putting the Pieces Together" was written by the website's founder (Joy A. Jensen, username Ash) and is featured prominently at BPD Recovery. There is no requirement that the book be purchased even though discussions are frequently held pertaining to the contents of the book.

Community members are always welcome to suggest resources - for free or for sale - but it should be noted that BPDR does not necessarily endorse or condone those referrals unless they are featured or listed on the website itself rather than as a post on the discussion boards by someone other than a member of the Community Leadership Team.

If you wish to have your publication, website or other such fee-for-goods-or-services item promoted at BPD Recovery, please contact us before attempting to solicit buyers from the BPD Recovery website and community. Penalty for failure to contact the Senior Community Leadership Team prior to solicitation, posting or referral for profit within the forums may result in sanctions, up to and including permanent ban from the forums and/or the website.

While our primary focus is on a cognitive-behaviour-therapy (CBT) style approach, we do not limit participants to adopting - in full or in part - such modality. Members currently participating at the peer support discussion board are following treatment plans revolving around dialectical-behaviour-therapy (DBT), psychoanalysis, transactional analysis and many others.

All seekers of a healthier, happier lifestyle are welcome as long as it is understood that the discussion group forums will remain commited to support with a recovery focus. The Rules of Engagement are a very integral part of the atmosphere of the peer support community. This style or approach can be quite shocking and/or upsetting to persons at the very early stages of their recovery from Borderline Personality Disorder. As such, it is critical to one's success that one is fully aware of what to expect when registering an account for the peer support discussion group forums at BPD Recovery.

.s.h.a.m.e.

I've been working hard the past four years on my recovery and I think I've made excellent progress. But until recently I kept feeling like I was still damaged and broken, and I was worried that people could smell it on me fifty feet before I walked up.

Growing up, even though I was well-behaved and an excellent student, I kept hearing from my parents that I needed to be better to be acceptable. Sure, you got all As and one B, but what would it take to get straight As? If you'd just apply yourself, you could learn to catch the ball and be more athletic. You're too young to have a girlfriend; and besides, the feelings you have are just puppy love. I know you enjoy working at the campus radio station, but that is just a college diversion; what are you doing that really matters?

I thought I wasn't good enough just as I was. It showed up in the people I chose as friends and lovers -- frequently, they expected more of me, too. And when they beat me up emotionally for not being more, I took it to heart because I thought it was true.

My shame -- that feeling of not being good enough, that there was something fundamentally wrong with me -- contributed to my addiction. I turned to addiction in part because it provided relief from feeling bad about myself. Then when my addiction was uncovered while I was married, my now ex-wife used it to beat me up for not being good enough. And of course I took it to heart, because that's what I did.

And when psychiatrists and psychologists diagnosed me with my mental health issues, my ex-wife was there again to beat me up, and I was there again to take it to heart.

When I was finally ejected from the marriage, I felt like a piece of shit.

But of late I've come to see that, as a human being, I have limitations and failings. I am coming to believe that it is part of being human to fall short, to not be able to be "perfect" or "normal" or any other adjective I used to try to apply to others and not to myself.

It is a revolutionary thought, really. Nobody is meant to be perfect. We are meant to be as we are made, warts and all. This doesn't excuse bad behavior in the name of our shortcomings. And it doesn't mean that some angry God thinks you suck and has given you serious challenges in your life as punishment. It just means that every person on the planet falls short in many ways, and that you are no different.

The more I have internalized this, the less I've walked around as though I have the Scarlet Letter embroidered on my shirt. I've become increasingly able to face others in the world as peers. I feel like I've shaken off the shackles of my problems. Sure, I have problems. But I'm just human, and I'm no less human than anybody else. I have as much right to the best place I can manage on this earth as anyone. I need not feel second tier anymore.

And you know what? As I've realized this, something else has come along inside me -- a growing sense that life is good.

Renee

I’ve read most of your stories--- wow! I can’t believe how much better it makes me feel to know I’m not the only fucked up one out there!!! That sounds kind of sick doesn’t it?

Well I’m 43 with 3 kids and a not so understanding husband. A lot of you knew from early on about your BPD; that really amazes me. I didn’t know until about a year or so after my first son was born and my first attempt to kill myself. After Drew was born, who I wanted very much, my husband moved us out to the sticks. I hated it!!!! I was suffering from postpartum depression and was left alone way too much. I was in so much pain and didn't have a clue why. I decided to leave and told my husband to fuck off!

I went out that night--- the first time in a couple of years. I was by myself but soon hooked up with this three hundred pound lady who was by herself. I thought it was good because she was not drinking---so I could and I did. I started powering back Bloody Marys and spouting off about how much I hated men. Well, we left there and went to another place and I proceeded in getting shit faced. I forgot to tell you I was mixing the drinks with Zoloft and Xanax.

Needless to say I was fucked up!!!!! I wasn't worried because she was driving well I didn't have to far to drive home from the first bar. I didn't care this was my liberation from the unhappiness I thought was my husband. Things took a turn for the worse---- when I got back to my car and headed home it wasn't two minutes when blue lights were a flashing and I was headed off to jail. When I made my phone call it shouldn't have been to my husband because he didn't forget that I just told him I was leaving him and taking his son with me. I was on my own and to make things worse that fat bitch I told you about was an under cover narc. I was not only charged with DUI I was also charged with giving a controlled substance to her and it wasn't even the Xanax it was the Zoloft. I didn't do it!!!! She fucking lied!

So there I sit in jail with no hope of getting out. I was out of my mind, I just wanted to die, really just die---so I tried to hang myself with my socks I know it seems kind of silly now but it’s all I had. They caught me and well a fight pursued with me ending up in this custom chair (I think you know what I’m talking about) I don't recommend fighting the police; they beat me up pretty good. I proceeded to get out of my handcuffs and taking the straps off of me and the helmet and throwing it against the wall but couldn’t get out of the cuffs they had on my ankles. I was like an animal a crazed animal. They were so over me by this time they put me in hog tie chains and threw me in the deep freeze.

That’s where it happened! My first break down. I started crying and didn't stop for two days. They sent me to the hospital and that is where they diagnosed me with BPD. That was 16 years ago. I've been in treatment ever since. I've spent years in therapy going over my childhood it’s not as bad as some.

My dad was emotionally absent; only spoke to you when you did something wrong but was always there. I don't think it was his fault he just didn't know how to love outwardly. He does love us. There are six of us kids. My mom more than made up for it at least in my eyes. It's funny how we all remember our childhood differently. She died five days after I turned 15. It was just me and my sister Rhonda home then. Really, dad was either at the bar or work-- he missed her so much. He married 10 months later to a drunkard and divorced her 3 years later. It didn't matter I left too.

I'm not sure why I have BPD but I do and I deal with it every day and I’m sorry to say my family has to deal too. I'm so sad all the time and I hate everything even with my meds. Everything except my kids. They are what keep me going. My husband doesn’t much like me anymore. He is just tired of it I guess; who can blame him. I want to leave but have no where to go and couldn’t be with out the kids. So I will stay here and in treatment. I’ve been in DBT for about 4 months now. It’s very promising but a lot of hard work. I’m willing to do it though. It can’t be any harder than getting off prescription tranquillizers. (Did I mention I was a recovering addict as well?) I hope DBT gives me some relief.

I wish I could say after 16 years I was all better and my story had a happy ending. But I will leave you with this: I will not give up on trying to get better! I know for a fact that god has a plan for us and it’s not to be in pain.

Diana's Story

BPD, One of Many

I am a 28 year old female. I have had mental problems since I was three and have attempted suicide several times, but either it didn't work or someone saved me from myself. I have been hospitalized in a psychiatric hospital three times in the last month and a half--for a total of 16 days. I have BPD, but I also have several other problems. In addition to the BPD, I have PTSD, major depression-recurrent & severe, eating disorder, generalized mood disorder, and generalized anxiety disorder. I am also a mutilator and I started that at the age of three. I have the PTSD from having lived with an extremely abusive husband. So many times, abuse is a trait placed on those with BPD, but I do not abuse, I have been abused...but anyway, that is off topic, I'm sorry. I guess what I want is to say hello, and I'd like to know if anyone out there has multiple mental problems or hospitalizations as I do. How do you deal with life? Can you hold down a job? I haven't worked in two months. I take multiple meds. Is that common? I have two individual therapists who I each see at least once a week, sometimes I see the PhD therapist twice a week, I have one two hour group therapy session per week, and I see my psychiatrist at least once a month.

Life is so hard, it always has been, but it feels like it's becoming more difficult. Is there anyone out there who understands? Oh, and it took me six years to find a primary care physician who I trusted and who helped me. When I was EOD'd (Emergency Ordered Detention--the facility and /or law enforcement can hold you in a mental health facility for 72 hours without a court order, thus giving them the opportunity to file in court and have you committed) to the hospital the last time, his secretary called me and left a message on my phone: "I am cancelling all of your appts with the doctor. You'll need to contact your insurance co and get a new PCP. The doctor says you have too many mental problems and he just doesn't want to treat you anymore. Have a nice day."

I do not trust...it is so hard for me. Being EOD'd was bad, but I managed to keep myself together until I got that message. Then, I collasped to the floor and cried for over two hours. Imagine how vile and evil you have to be for your own doctor to refuse to see you...

I'm sorry, I'll quit rambling now. Mainly, I just want to know if there's anyone out there like me? Or if I'm really the only poison around...

Thank you for your time,
Diana

A Reply To Someone Who Is Feeling Suicidal

What follows is an actual reply to someone who posted on the site stating that they were feeling very suicidal. This reply encompasses much of what one who is feeling actively suicidal may want/need to hear at the time that they are experiencing suicidal thoughts and are in crisis-mode. I have changed the name of the person posting for confidentiality purposes.

Hi Jane:

I'm sorry that you are feeling so depressed. I think that what you said about wanting to get away from the pain as the reason people think about suicide is absolutely true; it's not living they want to escape, it's the horrible emotional pain which, as gruesome as it can be, IS only temporary!

It's so hard to remember when we weren't feeling so awful though isn't it? Depression really distorts our thinking so that we can't remember what it is like not to be in the abyss until we come out of it, AND YOU WILL!!

Depression also makes it very hard to see possible solutions to problems or other perspectives from which to view whatever caused the emotional storm, that only become clear after the depression lifts, but things are NEVER as hopeless as they seem when one is severely suicidal (and I've been there, believe me) - they really aren't, and things DO get better.

Why not try to keep going just to see if things improve? I mean what have you got to lose by giving it (life) a little more time/another try, right?? The suicide option isn't going anywhere, so why not stick around awhile longer and see if things will improve?

I take an antidepressant, btw, and it has really made a HUGE difference in my outlook and my life. But that is a decision you can talk more about with your doctor. Right now, I think it's just important to focus on trying to get through things minute by minute and please don't hesitate to seek out emergency help if you need to do that.

Here is a site that I go to when I'm feeling really bad, that was written by people who have also 'been there' and know what suicidal feelings and this bad of depression is like. It is: [link=http://www.suicidal.com newwindow]www.suicidal.com[/link]. It contains good resources, and you may also want to check out some other resources posted (stickied) at the top of this, (Deep Blue), forum as well.

We care, Jane, and, really, truly, you ARE NOT ALONE!!

The person to whom the above was sent later came back on the site and reported that she had seen her doctor, had her medicine adjusted, and was feeling much better.

While it is natural to be uncomfortable and even fearful of talking to someone with the topic of suicide, it is extremely important to ask the person directly about the situation and do your best to respond. By asking, you will NOT place the idea in the person's mind if it is already there. Moreover, each suicidal threat or gesture should be taken seriously, and the person making such suicidal threats or gestures, (or indicatiing in some other way 'suicidal ideation'), should be directed to the appropriate assistance for help.

20yr old female with bpd

Im a 20 year old female who had never been hospitalized and in the last month was in and out of the hospital 3 times.I was diagnosed as bipolar at the age of 15, and had had suicidal idealities the entire time, I was a cutter. I even tried to kill myself, i saw it as a cry for help, the answer to that cry this time, was borderline personality disorder. It discribed my life, it explained me. I was finally diagonosed with it after the attempted suicide, although I have been told I have had it my whole life. But I still dont understand it completely. Im hoping this message board with help me with this. I understand alot of it but it will never be enough, I will never know exactly why I have it and others dont, but whining and complaining thats it just not fair wont get me anywhere anymore, I am not three years old. SO this is my story so far.Any feed back, comments, questions, concerns are welcomed