BPDRecovery.com: Forums

Ok, my name is Sarah. I am 28 near Santa Cruz, CA. I was diagnosed in 2003 during treatment after two suicide attempts. I received treatment from the county until 2005 when I stopped. I was concerned about being over medicated and didn't trust my counselor. I suffered panic attacks, anxiety, sever depression, and life crisis often but I was able to cope (hide) my most of my symptoms, most of the time. In 2007 I experienced my first major episode of self-harm. After a fight with an ex I cut my arm with a blade and over the next few days there wasn't much left uncut, I couldn't stop and I was scaring myself. I wasn't suicidal and I wasn't trying to get attention. I only told one friend and thats what helped me to stop. I promised myself to never do that again because it had traumatized me so much. I got out of the relationship and then my life got worse. I was single for a year until I met my currant BF in 2008. After he moved in with me he told me he has bpd. He was diagnosed during his discharge from the marines. It didn't take long before we started taking turns to lose hope, sink into our depression, blame, fears, dependencies, all came crashing down. On Valentine's Day after bedtime he sunk into a mood because he wanted to sleep next to me and we began to fight. After he left the room I had a panic attack and without thinking took a stake knife and cut my arm several times. I cried myself to sleep, thinking about the promise I broke to myself and how I had to end this relationship. The next day, without even talking to him I locked him out of the house. He broke in and we started fighting. I told him I needed space and even showed him my arm, but we kept fighting and he refused to leave. Once again I grabbed a knife and cut my arm this time without even looking while I cut, and I did it in front of him. I cut my arm deep into fat tissue. He still wouldn't leave because of his fear of abandonment. I left and when I came back he told me he made plans to move out, and did the next day. He still wants to be with me and I still Love him a lot. I am just really confused and afraid because I am severely ill and I can't afford help. I am paranoid of county workers and the cheapest counselor (not specialist) I can find is $50 hr and im on SSI. DBT is even more. Im hoping to meet new understanding friends here and learn new skills to deal with these things.

Hi, Sarah. Welcome to BPDR. It's a little slow around here lately, so please be patient about getting responses. I didn't want you to think no one was here for you today.

I have never cut, so I don't know how to help you with that. I really do think you need the help of a therapist. You said the cheapest counselor is $50. What about the Salvation Army or other religious organization? I know they have sliding scales so you can pay what you can afford. I'm afraid that you will cause serious injury to yourself with the cutting. Maybe you need to go into the hospital? You are aware that you need help. There must be social service resources to help you, even if you don't have the money. I don't know much about cutting, but I know it's usually a cry for help, or a way to get out your frustrations, not as a way to kill yourself. But it's not a very good solution, as you know. I hope someone else with personal experience will answer in this thread about cutting.

If your bf is causing you to cut, it doesn't sound like a good relationship even if you love him. You deserve to be safe, healthy, and happy. If you truly love him, can you ask him to get the help he needs too? In my opinion, the best you can do for each other is to heal yourselves first, and then see if you can have a relationship together.

There are tools on this board that you can use right now. They are on the left side. I am sure you will find them helpful. Please post again with how you are doing.

Just wanted to chime in and welcome you to the board. I'm glad you are here--- I think there are many tools here that can help you, along with some really good people who have had experiences much like your own. You can begin by reading all the topics in the tool box up on your upper left screen--they really do work when used regularly.

While I agree with Wondering that therapy would most likely help, I know it's expensive and not always an option. Good news is that this site and other sites, as well as many books that can help. On the Home page around here, you will find a list of books that others here have found helpful to them. There is even an on-line DBT group with Yahoo that I hear is very good and you can purchase the workbooks relatively cheap at your local bookstore. So, while you are waiting or saving or whatever for therapy, there is much you can do on your own.

I, too, have attempted suicide. I did so in Aug of 2007 (I actually died for 4 minutes!) and I'm happy to say that all the work I've done since has lead me to no longer qualify for the BPD diagnosis (I did qualify for the diagnosis for around 18 years). So, I know first hand that using these tools and challenging your long-held beliefs can help to find a better mental place. I have never cut per se, but I have done many other forms of self-harm in the past (drugs, promiscuity, etc.). I have learned there is a more effective way to deal with the intense emotions I feel.

I do have to disagree with one thing Wondering said (sorry Wondering!)....He didn't CAUSE you cut yourself, that decision was your alone no matter what he said or did to you. That 'small' distinction, from him causing you to do something to you knowing that you caused the action to occur, well, it's an important distinction, IMO. I feel like it's really important in recovery to take responsibility for our actions and reactions to what others say or do. We can't change others, but we can change how we respond to any kind of provocation. It's up to us as individuals to make the healthier choices.

Anyway, best wishes to you! I hope to see you posting. It has been a bit slow on the board, but don't hesitate to begin a thread if you need some help or just have something to share.

Harmonium

Welcome aboard!

Crazy is in the mind of the beholder.

I am a firm believer that much can be accomplished with very little money. I would recommend checking out the BPDR Book Store to get some titles and then head to the library (check them out for free!) Certainly hanging out here is free and while we don't have a therapist on-staff, you'll at least get some good peer support. As long as you focus on recovery (healthy, happy living), I think you'll find yourself making some decent progress over the next few months.

Remember to cut yourself some slack. Just because you want to recover doesn't mean you'll never again slip up. As a good friend once said, "It's not the number of times you fall down that counts; it's the number of times you get back up & dust yourself off."

It took you a lifetime (28 years) to learn and perfect your borderline thought processes. It'll take a few months to start untwisting them & replacing them with healthier options.

We're here for you!

Sarah, I agree with what Harmonium objected to in my post to you. No matter what someone does to us, it's still our choice how to react, and we have to be responsible for our actions. But I didn't mean your bf caused you to cut. I meant that your relationship with him is bringing up feelings in you that cause you to want to hurt yourself, or at least is not making you feel too good about yourself. But you're still responsible. How are you feeling today?

Thanks to all of you who have replied. Today I was very depressed and cried several times in the morning because I feel so alone and helpless. I decided it was best to take my dogs to the beach and that helped a lot. When I got home it was much of the same. I agree with you all that I need to take full responsibility for my actions. I need to learn how not to be so impulsive when I am irrational or not become irrational. I am already realizing some basic things about coping with things online in the last few days ive forgotten or not realized that could have helped the situation a lot. Im really interested in the yahoo group. Im going to look it up right away. I have looked at some books in the library already. The books ive seen mostly describe the symptoms (all to familiar) and how to cope with "US" which at times was most offensive to me. It been difficult for me to deal with being ill and I am really overwhelmed with trying to learn how to cope with life in general. I struggle with all of the bpd traits almost everyday! I really have no one to talk to who knows anything about bpd. The cheapest dbt class is $900 and an hour away. The cheapest counselor in my area is $50 once a week (if I am lucky) and I am afraid to talk to him about my self harm because he is not trained do deal with bpd or people as ill as me and a hospital visit would only disrupt my life and not change me. What scares me is that my illness is getting worse and what if (God forbid) I do freak out again, each time is twice as bad despite my rational wills never to do so. I don't know what to do, but tell all of you all this stuff and hope to learn. Please respond I need people to talk to and offer any advice. Thanks so much.

Hi again Dakinz!

I'm sorry to hear you are having such a difficult time right now, but posting here and going for a walk are both good things to be doing about it.

I'm gonna break apart your post and try to help you find some answers, okay?


It's not a good feeling to be depressed, I know it well. But....you are not alone, you have us here on the board if nothing else. Don't ever discount your own ability to 'be there' for yourself....it's one of the best ways to recover, IMO, developing ways of being your own best friend. Also, you are certainly not helpless. Think about it...not only have you survived this long in life, learning new things and understanding concepts along the way.....but if you have the capability within yourself to destroy yourself (cutting and such), then logic follows that you would also have it within yourself to do the opposite-- to find the healthier, happier route. It's only logical that you possess the capacity to help--as well as harm--yourself. I think it boils down to coping mechanism that we have either learned or developed. Unfortunately, with BPD, most of us have employed coping techniques that aren't exactly effective...i.e. depression, anxiety, self-harm. We do these things and feel this way, IMO, because that's what we know....even if it doesn't work very well (or only temporarily). It is my belief that by teaching not only our minds but our bodies (you feel stress on a physical level) new techniques that are healthier and over-all more effective, we can recover from BPD. I have, so I know it can be done. And, there are many totally free ways to help yourself-- learning and doing don't have to cost a thing!


I kinda felt the same way when first reading the books directed towards BPD in general or for the family/friends of a person with the diagnosis. Realizing that the books are very general, even if familiar, and not specifically directed at you as an individual....well, it helps me. Also, there are many books out there for the sufferers of BPD, not the families. Ash's book "Putting the Pieces Together" was written by her--someone who has BPD for BPD-diagnosed individuals. It's from the perspective of having the disorder, so books such as hers have always been more helpful to me.


I know it can be overwhelming, but breaking things up into smaller chuncks helps me. As in, you don't have to 'cure' your whole disorder Right Now, today. You can pick out a specific aspect of your disorder, some small part, and just focus on that one for a while. Then, you can move onto the next issue.

I find talking to others in RL about BPD to be highly over-rated. It's okay that you don't have anyone in Real to talk to that knows much about this disorder....BPD is kinda like 'normal' just amplified. Most people all have the same emotions, just not the same response to emotions or possibly the intensity. But, because everyone feels and thinks at least a tad bit like someone who has BPD, talking to them about the general things like "how do you deal with your anger" or "what can I do about my lonely feelings" or even "I'm having trouble seeing the grey in situations. Can you tell me how you get away from the black-and-white thinking?" Really, much of this work is internal....the externals like what other people do can just give you ideas of how to better handle your own emotions....in the end, this is something you have to do for you. The tools on the left like the 10 forms of twisting thinking really help. Be sure you check out the ways to untwist, then do it!

I hear you saying you are afraid to talk to the counselor in your area about your self-harm. Isn't talking to any psychiatry-trained doc better than what you are doing about it now? All counselors are trained to handle self-harm especially cutting....it's really more common than you might think. A person does not have to be BPD to cut, in fact, it's a growing problem with teenagers today many of whom do not meet the BPD diagnostics. What I'm trying to say is it seems like you are assuming that the counselor can't 'handle' you....why not give them the chance and see before you decide you're too ill to be treated? The old adage "don't knock it 'till you've tried it" works pretty well here, IMO.


You choose to freak out. Really, I know it doesn't always seem so, but it's true. You can choose to do something else. You have the power within yourself to decide to freak out about a situation or not....it really is a choice. I know it's especially difficult in that moment....but what if you try not to put yourself in a position to loose it? Like, avoid the really stressful situations for now? Lock up all the knives (and other sharp things) around you so you have to use a lock with a key to get to them--that would at least buy you some time to rethink your decision to cut. While you dig for the key, you can use your self-talk (what you tell yourself in your own head) to rethink your intentions.

Okay, I know this was really long and I didn't intend to write out so much! I'm on bed-rest from a surgery I had last Thursday, so I have a lot of time on my hands. I really do want to help though! I know you can do this....finding the place to start and making a plan will help it seem more achievable. You can start by reading, over and over, the tools section. I know I harp on and on about it, but they have really helped me!!

Best to you!!