BPDRecovery.com: Forums

Yep, I'm showing my sorry face here again. Pardon the lack of avatar, "me" shifted again and I haven't made an icon that the system will accept. My skills in graphics manipulation are lacking.

Some background, since there are a lot of new faces since I was here: I'm a 27-year-old female-to-male transsexual with issues with depression and social anxiety. I believed I had BPD when I was a young adult and my actions certain lent themselves to that belief, but I was never diagnosed. My official diagnoses are Gender Identity Disorder, PTSD, Panic Disorder, Agoraphobia, Social Phobia, and major depressive disorder.

Bipolar type II is also a diagnosis, but that diagnosis is in question- I still haven't gotten a "tiebreaker" evaluation for it, as it would be. One psychiatrist says I have it, another says I don't.

I'm not sure how wise it is to reintroduce myself in a period of wanting to socially isolate myself. I have tried- several times- to return, but I always end up too intimidated to keep it up.

As many times as I have said this in the past, though, there are signs that I need support and help- other than my therapist who sometimes just does not seem to get it- that cannot be ignored. The problem with being too reclusive to even post to my classes- where participation is required- has gotten so bad that I simply did not do ANY of the discussion questions whatsoever last class. I just pretended they did not exist.

No one knows how depressed I am IRL. Even my therapist missed it this week and described me as "contented." I could n0t bring myself to contradict him in any way but to tell him that I believed he was confusing "contented" with "can't give a fuck" (pardon the language- direct quote).

I can't talk about it. I can't show it. I can't act on it.

I won't say I can't heal it because that's false. I will say that I can't pinpoint where to start, something else some of you have probably heard me say before.

Anyway, that is enough of a wall of text for now. I am looking forward to becoming reacquainted with the community and hopefully being helpful to others as well, this time around.

Hi Joshua! I remember you! Although I have to admit, I never saw you post so much detail about yourself before so I did not really "know" you as well before. I am happy that you feel comfortable here and are able to open up to us. Good to see you back.
NAM

Thanks, NAM.

I never posted much detail about myself because I am pretty guarded about what I reveal about myself. Well, very guarded, as is demonstrated by being hesitant to tell the person I am paying to help me that I am suffering.

I cannot quite say I'm comfortable yet but I hope that if I can break through the social fear and keep going, I will be. There is a lot I want to talk about here, for a while, but I have not because I fear the reaction I'll gather. It would not be for drama purposes but that is a distinct possibility. I've never been good at making my intentions clear, even when I have done my best to make them explicit.

I will try, though. One step at a time is best.

-Josh

We're here for you, as always, Josh. Whatever you wanna talk about, you know it's okay to let it spill here.

Hey Joshua! It's so great to "see" you here. I'm really excited to hear about what's going on in your life these days.

I'm sad to read that your depression has reached a dark point. Perhaps talking here will help lift the cloud slightly.

Come on in, hang around, dip your toe into the water and post when you're nice and comfy.

xxoo