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I'm Eddhi, a 22-year-old lady.
I'm undiagnosed but trying to get the ball rolling on that with my therapist. And of course now I'm convinced she thinks I'm stupid and crazy for thinking I might be borderline because she didn't get back to right away. Fail whale.
I've always kind of known things have been wrong. I've been sad since about the second grade, perhaps earlier. Reading the wikipedia page on BPD was always "ha, that sounds so much like me, but I'm sooooo not borderline." Never mind the years of therapy where I knowingly didn't talk about certain things so that none of my therapists ever really knew how bad things are. Never mind the careful censorship I used when talking about issues with others so that no one could put all the pieces together. Never mind any of that.
It's been an incredibly rough year. Well, a few years if you take out the respite that this past summer brought. Badness culminated in August when I let myself get into a bad situation where I was hurt, couldn't cope with it, and ended up driving off the man I was going to marry in this big fiery ball of doom in the aftermath. More therapy, lots of tears, and wanting so desperately to be well led me to start considering BPD a little more seriously. I finally got the courage to say "yes, this is me, and I need help" a few days ago. And a huge portion of that courage comes from the fact that man has let me back into his life and I don't want things to blow up again. I feel deeply ashamed by this for some reason. That I couldn't do this for me, but I can do it for him.
I meet 8 of the 9 diagnostic criteria. The only reason I don't meet the suicidal ideation anymore is my job ethically makes that not an option. The identity issues are actually pretty recent. The past few months I've realized just how weird it is to hear people say my name. It doesn't sound like that's me anymore, which is incredibly upsetting due to how personal my name is and the fact I chose it myself. I've always loved my name and it's always been a foundation of who I am.
The other seven just sound like normal life to me.
And it's really difficult for me, because there is some part of me that is consistently rational enough to know that 99% of my irrational thoughts and beliefs are entirely irrational. I think that's why I've been able to convince myself that I'm okay and I can handle it for so long.
I don't know. Hello.
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