BPDRecovery.com: Forums

Hi,
my name is Linda, I'm 35 years old, living in Stockholm, Sweden. I stumbled across BPDRecovery about a week ago, and felt such relief that this site exists!

I was diagnosed with BPD in February this year, and it came as no surprise. I'd been doing a lot of reading on BPD since a friend of mine, who is studying to be a therapist, suggested that I might have BPD. When I read about the disorder and of other peoples stories of their BPD, I was almost happy(!). Before, I thought that I was the only one feeling like this. I felt like an alien. No one that I knew of had these dramatic ups and downs, always being suicidal - even when not depressed, these very strong feelings about what "normal" people thought was small issues, and so on. I felt totally alone and thought there must be something really wrong with me.

I've had problems since I was a child, with both anorexia and bulimia (between ages 12-23), and have had many severe depressions. The first time I was thinking about committing suicide I was ten and felt generally unhappy with my friends and in school, but not actually depressed. Since then I've struggled with suicide thoughts every day. I've also struggled with self-harm and have made several suicide attempts. My family don't understand my problems at all. I have been studying and working, but also had long periods of time when I haven't been able to do anything. My friends are like family, but I haven't been able to meet and have a serious relationship with someone, because of the turmoil in my life. It's really hard to live sometimes, but I refuse to give up.

The above may sound hopeless, but I do want to encourage teenagers and young people with issues of self-harm and BPD! I still have problems with this, but not as much as when I was a teenager or in my 20s. I had no therapy, so I guess I've "self-healed" a little bit. I read that this is the case with many BPDs, so don't give up! It gets better!

Now that I know more it is a little bit easier to understand why I feel and react the way that I do. That is, intellectually I understand, but emotionally it is harder. I still feel overwhelmed by emotions and can't cope with my inner turmoil. My friends really tries to understand me, but it's hard for them. In Sweden the resources for treating BPD is still small, and I haven't recieved any long-term help, just counselling support for the moment and intreatment at times. I would like to have therapy, but I can't afford it and the goverment resources are small (although there is a rather big research project on BPD and young women going on at Karolinska Institutets University Hospital, so it might get better). My counsellor says that I might get some kind of therapy in a couple of years and I really hope so!

I don't have anyone to talk to about my disorder, except my counsellor, who I see two times/month. My friends are always there for me, but it's hard for them to understand and sometimes they care too much, gets upset and can't listen when I feel bad, so I don't tell them how I really feel, just saying "I'm fine" instead. So I'm glad that I found BPDRecovery, because I can read all your posts and get feedback and encouragement. I hope I can give some too!

Sincerely,
Linda

(And feel free to correct my English if it gets really bad! )

Hi Linda! Do you mind if we call you that, or would you rather that we use Mermaid? Either way, I'm glad you found us, and welcome.

It was a relief to me, too, when I learned (at age 50) that I had BPD. At last there was a name, a focus, a framework for healing. It definitely can be emotionally overwhelming, though, especially when it's a disorder that has such a negative reputation to so many people. But it is possible to get better -- it takes patience and hard work, but it's doable.

It's tough that it's so hard for you to get therapy, but in the meantime, it's good that you have a counsellor to talk to, and you may find some of our "Tools," which you can find in a box on the left of the page, helpful as well. They have really made a difference for many of us here. If you have any questions about them, don't hesitate to ask.

Your English is excellent, by the way!

Welcome Linda. I too struggled with always wondering why my moods could fluctuate so much during my life. I was diagnosed with BPD when I was 55 years old - it's been 3 years now. But there are tools that you can work with to help you. I'm glad you're not giving up!!!!

Thankyou for your answers! Both my nickname and my real name is fine with me!
Sincerely, the mermaid Linda