BPDRecovery.com: Forums

I guess I could start by saying that the idea of "introducing" oneself is not an easy task for me. Sit there terrorized by a blinking cursor for about 10 minutes, thinking "How do you introduce yourself, when you don't really know who you are??" After being me for 34 years, I've somewhat perfected the art of being exceedingly vague in regards to any and all things personal. My "introductions" have always been custom made-to-order fabrications, cut from precisely the same cloth as whomever I might be with at the time.

I guess I should just start with why I'm here. While my mind is currently screwed up enough that I can't seem to think straight at all, I know that I need to do something... anything... to somehow try and get better. I've been reading about BPD off and on for the duration of the last year, after having been in a "relationship" (if I can actually venture as far as to call it that... since the term somewhat implies the ability to "relate" to one another, something I'm not sure we ever accomplished) that was two years of the most extreme level of drama imaginable. I actually started reading about it because I was convinced that SHE suffered from traits of BPD (which she very well may), but the more I read about it the more I've begun to wonder if this is what's been wrong with me for so very long... I've seen a slew of Psychiatrists, all of who seem to assure me that I don't have BPD (which makes some sense, considering I always behave like the most down to earth, logical, and artiulate person imaginable when I'm speaking to them), but I've got a laundry list of symptoms that seem to fit with it so well.

Began being bulemic around 7th grade - waxed and waned over the years depending on current emotional/mental well being. Currently not a problem (at least not an acute one)

Began drinking, solely by myself, around 9th or 10th grade... Began using drugs during my senior year of high school. Quit drugs abrubtly a few years later after losing my mind and being admitted to the ER.

First real "relationship" lasted all of 4 and a half months. Met a girl, moved in together a few weeks later, and it ended with me in the Psych ward falling to pieces and covered in cuts.

Romantic entanglements since that time have been sporadic and relatively shortlived, with the exception of the last one which lasted for 2+ years, mostly due to geographical distance between each other and my poetic, extremely genuine, and finely honed ability to hoover with grand and vast promises of eternal and everlasting love and a life together that never would seem to materialize. It was without a doubt one of the most chaotic, dramatic, and tumultuous ordeals imaginable - I actually began reading about BPD after it ended as I was convinced she suffered from it. (I am the timid, hyper-sensetive, compliant and argument avoiding "constantly apologizing for having the nerve to breathe" type... She was the "tyrannical, illogical rage, conspiracy theory of infidelity accusational type..) It's been over for all practical purposes for well over a year, it was miserable, dysfunctional and hurtful in every way imaginable, I haven't seen or heard from her in more than 10 months, she got married a few days ago, yet I still spend my time obsessing and re-writing 30 page letters. I still call her Grandma often and even drive 2+ hours to go visit her and do errands for her around the house. I have zero ability to "leg go and move on" I feel somewhat like an STD in that regard.. I may disappear, might go into remission for weeks or months or years, but I always resurface eventually. Currently, that is one of the few things that is bringing me any measure of peace. I'm 34, gainfully employed (if I can keep my act together and not lose my mind completely, that is) and saving money at an astounding clip. I figure if I just keep on aimlessly saving money for another few years - my next "grand illusion" if you will whenever I decide to inflict myself on another girl will be even more spectacular and believable.

All I know is that I feel lost, detached, sick in the head, and am not quite sure where to begin or what to do about it.

Thanks for reading.

As things come up in my head...

I don't really have any "friends" - save for one girl I dated a decade ago who I still correspond with via text message. She seems to have an (almost) inexhaustable ability to listen to my lost and confused drivel and at least nudges me in the right directions.

I've given some thought recently to "who I am", as well as looked back at how I behaved in my few "relationships". During both of them (the 4 month one, as well as the 2+ year one) there have been some striking similarities. For most of my life, I've had a habit of getting obsessed with hobbies.. I take things to unreal extremes, and devote nearly all of my attention to them... Each time I find something new, I devote myself to it fully.

During my first "relationship", I became wholeheartedly obsessed with Newts, Salamanders, and rare ambhibians. Within 6 months, I had more than 16 aquariums was busy reading everything I could get my hands on about herpetology.. I memorized the scientific names of everything, and spent most of my time corresponding with other people in the hobby online. After the relationship ended, this slowly fizzled out over the next 6 months.

During the last one, shortly after it began I picked up a yo-yo at Wal-Mart and decided to try and learn some tricks. Before I knew it, I was spending 5 to 9 hours a day practicing, ordering $150 yo-yo's, and could not stay away from yo-yo message boards. At the time, my "girlfriend" felt like a harassing nuisance that was distracting me from my practice. She found it clever and cute at first, but the more I grew drawn into it the more she felt neglected.

Then I got into fragrances, which has stuck with me somewhat... Over the last two years, I've amassed around 215+ bottles of rare and niche perfumes and colognes. I continue to buy them, and swap them with other folks online, but I don't get as much enjoyment out of it as I once did. I think I continue to pursue this because my life feels somewhat empty without it.

I spend most of my time living entirely in my head, and lately have felt like an empty shell of a person merely going through the motions of being alive. I don't enjoy being at work at all, but after I get off - I find myself looking at my watch wishing I didn't have to endure another several hours before it's time for bed... My typical day consists of this:

5:15am - Wake up
6:30am - arrive at work
6:30-9:00am - zone off into space and try to look busy. Smile and say Hi to people, carry on the illusion of actually "doing something", call my Boss and convince him of how much I love my job and how devoted to our company I am.
11:00am - lunch. McDonalds inside Wal Mart across the street. Same thing every single day - it's gotten so routine that I can walk up, swipe my debit card, and walk away with my meal without having spoken. I then eat this in my truck, put on headphones, and walk around the abandoned field behind WalMart obsessing over my ex-girlfriend and alternately coming up with ingenious hoover maneuvers, or sinister plans such as buying a cemetary plot next to her Grandparents and putting a temporary headstone there, just so she'd have to see my damn name every time she visits. Conciously, I know this is completely insane. While I'm gainfully employed, and saving money at an impressive clip... Part of me wants to do this just so I can look her up later in life and have achieved some level of financial success. I know that's idiotic, but I obsess on it and it seems to keep me motivated, so I stick with it. I also consider buying her Grandparent's house - which is actually a house I love quite a bit. It's appraised at under $50k so it's not an unrealistic possibility. I'd have to purchase it by proxy of course, but holding the deed to that place would bring a perverse crooked smile to my face in the most depraved of ways..

But the thing is... Why the hell do I think like this??? Why can't I simply let go and move on??

In one of my more recent hoover-esque emails, I told her something that is very true. I suffer from an EXTREMELY photographic memory. It's a curse of magnificent proportions. I can remember the most minute of details in striking clarity. But my "depth perception" of these memories is completely lacking. Our last "huge blowout" as a couple feels as if it occurred last night, when in reality it was well over a year ago. I remember feelings, and scenes, and images... And I live in these over and over again, but is any of it real? Was it ever really real? I have a 53lb box filled with about a million "souvenirs" of our relationship. It's something I've always done, and even she commented on how tremendously sad such a practice is. I never really let go of things... Friendships, relationships, feelings... I just tape them up and tuck them away, like a movie you've watched half of and figure you'll finish some other time, or a book you've read 3/4 way through but don't feel like ending. In my head things are always just on hiatus, they'll continue on later in life... But I know that's not real. Sometimes I think I do this just so that I have some evidence that it actually happened, that it wasn't something made up entirely in my head... When I feel like being particularly cruel to myself, I'll get drunk and dig through them all in a fit of tears... I feel like everyone gets a unique and custome Me, that exists solely when I'm around them, and when they are no longer a part of my life - that person dissolves and goes away. Like a hole in myself that I can't ever fill or get back.

I guess that's enough for right now... I guess it's good to write this stuff if for no other reason than to get it out of my head. Maybe it'll make some sense to somebody.

I've been a "loner" for as long as I can remember... There's always a "me" that is reserved for me only. I think one of the things I've found so addictive to spending immense amounts of time alone, is that it affords me the ability to essentially be whoever I feel like.. I can re-invent myself on a whim, report to nobody, and at times it feels like a vast expanse of freedom. I can just be me, it's ok to be "crazy", and if I need to take a few days or a week to fall to pieces and slowly put myself back together again, that's perfectly ok.

I used to watch a lot of Star Trek... While the "DS9" series was never one of my favorites, there was one particular character from that series I found a lot of similarities with - he was a "shapeshifter", but could only carry on human form for a given amount of time before he had to "reconstitute" by turning into a liquid form in a bucket. I feel like that a lot of the time. I can carry a given shape - Model devoted employee, loving partner, clever articulate individual, but sooner or later I need time alone to "reconstitute" - I can only keep up the act for awhile, sooner or later I run out of material, my excuses and stalling start to wear very thin. The only thing that kept my last "relationship" going for 2+ years, was the distance. She lived 45 minutes away, was going to school, and was the sole caretaker of her Grandma. We talked on the phone every single night, saw each other every other weekend or so, and I felt safe because she was far enough away. In the "early days", she was flipped for me - brought me flowers and did nice things for me, and I tried in my own broken ass ways to reciprocate... But as time wore on, the depth of my "issues" began to be more apparent to her... I'd fill up hefty bags full of the most considerate and thoughtfull gifts I could find, push a button and get her to rage at me... cuss me out, and I'd then go and leave them on her doorstep... Of course, she'd feel guilty - and call me up crying and apologizing... I found out she was cheating on me... Let her dig herself deeper and deeper, more and more lies upon lies... telling me how "crazy" I am, then finally... At the most precise time, after treating her like royalty for a few weeks - bust her and burst into tears... Watch her running out of my apartment in shame and tears, then send her an email letting her know that I forgive her fully, that it's perfectly OK.... That I understand these things happen....

Conciously, I know that none of it matters anymore... It was a bad, and dysfunctional relationship that was unhealthy in every way. That I was terminated with just cause from the role of fulfilling her hopes and dreams and will never be asked to re-submit a resume for consideration. I always knew it felt wrong, that we were different, and that despite the fact I wanted to be able to be a regular loving, affectionate partner, I simply didn't know HOW to be.

What bothers me, is that everytime I'm in a relationship - I can't ever commit to it fully. I can "say" that I do, I can write the most genuine and sincere letters imaginable, but I'm always stalling for time... Wishing I weren't as effed in the head and heart as I am, constantly putting the brakes on and looking for my exit without having to be the "bad guy". When someone tells me they "love" me, I'm always stuck with the feeling that it isn't real... Because how COULD they "love" me, when they don't even really know me?? My ex once broke it off with me and insisted that I get counseling for my "emotional" problems... Of course, I agreed, but also of course, I thought she needed some herself... When I finally convinced her to come to visit with my counselor - she told her that she felt that she'd been sold a "Bill of goods", which I looked up to find out was essentially something worthless, passed off as something of value. What she bought wasn't what she thought she was getting, and I guess I have to accept that. The articulate, witty, funny guy I was in the beginning was the best act I could put on at the time... But it was just that... an act. It wasn't until we really started getting to know one another that I began to share how incredibly screwy I was. Initially, she was sympathetic and wanted to help, but that enthusiasm waned considerably as it never seemed to get much better.

Hi Loney, I'm Harmonium.

I've read through your posts, and I don't have time right now to get into detain.....but I wanted you to know that I identify with much of what you are saying. Particularly about Oto (DS9)......I can relate to that feeling of having to get into the bucket.

I think you have found a great place to begin working on these things. Check out the tools to the left of your screen and see what you see.

I look forward to getting to know each other better! Glad to have you here.

Instead of just simply "obsessing" over the same pointless thoughts over and over, I'm trying now to at least identify and somehow articulate how I feel.

Much of the time, I feel mentally ill. I feel fractured, and broken, and unsure of what's "real" and what isn't. I feel like there is no genuine "me", and that I tend to get swallowed up by various hobbies and obsessions in an attempt to somehow define myself. At times I get some comfort from this, but it's short lived and after awhile - it quits working.

I don't seem to have a way of taking enjoyment in regular "activities", and for all practical purposes have no life and don't feel a burning desire to get myself one. I have a strange aversion to television.. I can't watch it, and haven't in many, many years.. I get no pleasure at all from food whatsoever. I eat the exact same thing, without exception, just about every day. People have found it odd when I've said this, but I would be perfectly "ok" if there were just some tasteless nutrient goo that came out of a spigot that I could just swallow a few times a day. I don't remember it always being this way, but it's been like this for some time now.

I lived... essentially like an insane "fool on the hill" - for a number of years. I stayed in a hovel of a garage apartment, and would not allow anyone to know where I lived. Not my family, not my coworkers, and not even my "friends" I had at the time. I had a normal job (IT work), and kept up a for the most part "normal" appearance, but I was very far from normal in any way. On my craziest of days, I'd spraypaint random thoughts on my wall - obscenities, manifestos, hit lists, love poems... You name it. At the time I became increasingly interested in all things bizarre/scary/and "dark". Not horror movies, but... Mostly disturbing music.. Met (and "dated"... if it could be called that) a few people online. I was always initially clever and witty and unusual, They'd eventually start buying into my act and all of my attention, our emails would get more and more personal, and eventually we'd meet. It would be a "romance" for a few months, then I'd prompty find my exit and take it, run away and sort of just disappear... Sometimes they'd come after me, email me and try to call, and I always remember feeling pretty ok about that... until they finally gave up and moved on with their life. Then I'd fall to pieces.

I've actually been "called out" so to speak, on a couple of occasions. One particular girl - who was a very talented poet and writer, wrote me what was probably the most painfully true and eloquently worded "hate" letters imaginable. After stringing her along for quite some time, she said I was a "Grand illusion, full of mystery, suspense, intellect, and romance.... With nothing truly substantial behind it" At the time I felt incredibly hurt by it... But over the years it stuck with me and I slowly began to realize the twisted truth of what she said. I actually recieved another one of these "letters" in my most recent relationship... It said something to the effect of "So... The jig is up.. I've finally come to realize what had been so hard to figure out. You've never shown me you loved me, because you never have loved me. In fact, I don't believe that you've ever loved another woman or another person for that matter. All of the things you've done that seemed to be for "me", or for "us", were not done out of love... They were done out of fear. Fear of your very nature.. Fear of never being like anyone else.. Fear of being alone forever.. Your love is not a giving thing, but a selfish thing... You give only enough to keep me, and nothing more." It sucked, and I felt incredibly hurt by it - but again, there was some truth in it. Emo-Chinese finger trap action... Always pulling tighter, and tighter, and going more and more over the top - "pulling out all the stops", showering her in little tokens of affection and the like... And as soon as she'd finally buy into it - leg go of the rope. Rejection - push her away and have her keep her distance just a bit further. Start having crying spells, begin to let her know just how messed up I am, suck her in with sympathy... ALWAYS play the victim...

It's weird typing this stuff... I'm not a horrible person at heart, I don't rage or get angry at people, I'm incredibly sensetive and empathetic, always trying to see things from other people's point of view and understand where they are coming from... But I didn't choose to be a "weapon of emotional mass destruction". A "Toxic asset" to people's lives, or a psychic vampire that sucks every last ounce of joy out of whoever I'm in a relationship with. One of the last parting remarks I got from my ex: "You have this amazing gift... it's a superpower the likes of which I've never before seen, and hope like hell I never see again. Whatever diety reigns over this universe granted you the unfailing ability to make girls cry..."

So yea, it feels weird saying this... But how do you overcome being a "toxic" person without at least first coming clean and admitting what needs to be changed? If there were an olympic sport for being a mastermind manipulator - I'd take home more Gold medals than Michael Phelps. In new relationships, my first order of business is always to find their weak spots... Get in their head somehow and figure them out, stay up late like I'm studying a play or a book or a set of blueprints... Become the unabridged dictionary of all things "them" I'm a habitual button-pusher... I find "buttons" to push, and I can find a lot of them... I'll have them laid out in my mind like an 88 key piano, and when I feel out of control.... Watch out, I start hammering away.. Always say one thing, but do the exact opposite.. Always be nimble and able adjust midstride in every argument or discussion, always be the level headed "sane" one with a perfectly plausible and believable excuse for anything and everything... Engage in passive agressive emotional warfare, but always with a sincere and believable smile. Find ways to ensure they become dependant on me... Always lend them money and never ask for it back.. Lend them a car or something else necessary... Become involved in helping members of their family... Whatever it takes to keep them somehow tied to me. Utilize guilt, obligation, and fear to the best of my ability...

I wish I weren't like this, and I hope that I can somehow learn to NOT be like this, but it's the only way I know how to be... I feel wretched, and guilty, and horrible about it most of the time.. Why do I do this and what is it that I want?? Love and companionship I'd guess... But the way I go about it is entirely wrong, and I'm not quite sure how to change it. Sometimes I find myself questioning whether I have the ability to "love" another person... I look at all these feelings regarding my ex and wonder how much of it was ever "love" and how much was just some sick twisted thing masquerading as love.. If there's one thing I do have for her, I guess that'd be respect.. She managed... somehow, to escape the never ending black hole gravitational pull of ME, and move on with her life and find happiness. She broke all the ropes, cut loose the anchor, busted out of jail and set sail... Ditched the zero and got herself a hero. I certainly did everything in my power to ensure that was no easy task.. But in the end, all the emotional freakouts... The long winded and skillfully written emails... Every trick, trap, and skillfully depoyed hoover attempt I could muster... None of it worked anymore.

Constant tug of war, push pull, affection then rejection... Engage in impossible to decipher head games that only I know the rules to. I was always the nicest to her when she was mean to me... It felt... somehow... safer that way. It also helped leverage guilt in my favor. When people are mean to me, are angry at me, or don't seem to like me... I take "kill em with kindness" to an unheard of level.. I aim to MAME and DISFIGURE them with kindness... Try harder, and harder, and harder to win somone's heart and respect. Then shut all systems down and withdraw as soon as it starts to work.

I think that's enough for now.. Thanks for reading it, and I hope someone can find something to relate to in some of that. It probably comes off like a bunch of psycho nonsense, but I think that taking a good honest look at the way I behave is a step in the right direction. I don't feel like it pardons me for my emotional felonies against everyone I've ever been involved with, but perhaps I should just plead insanity (which should, at this point, be believable) and hope such crimes can get reduced to misdemeanors...

Now that I've laid that out there...

The other half of what is bothering me is..... During my last "relationship" - what bothered me from the beginning, and led slowly over two years to my complete unraveling - is that I have an absolute inability to be in a normal, healthy, loving relationship. When things are going good, I find a way to sabotage them. Always looking for my way out, and always wanting things to stay at arm's length.. We've only known each other for 2 years... isn't that a bit soon to want to live together?? We should take things slowly!!! VERY slowly.. Slowly as in outpaced by a slug with a pulled muscle slowly. As in maybe someday, over the rainbow, beyond never-never land - we'll settle down and give a "real" relationship a shot. Until then, let's just keep text messaging each other :* and calling each other on the phone and having long, emotional, tear stained back and forth discussions... More drama that lifetime TV!!

As I mentioned in my first post: - I started reading about BPD because I was somewhat convinced that my girlfriend suffered from this... Here is a (partial) list of what brought me to this conclusion:

During the first few weeks of knowing one another, I mentioned that I'd been invited to fly to Pittsburgh for a party... She ERUPTED. Things were instantly different. She was angry, cussing and screaming.. and it blew my mind. It was an out of nowhere, intensely nasy conversation while I thought we were both still busy "putting our best feet forward" and really into one another. The following day, she wrote me a long and apologetic email explaining how her Father had left her and her mother when she was very young and that this left a damaging legacy in it's place. That she has to be reminded, constantly "by word, and by deed" that she is the utmost importance to another person for fear of never being "worth enough" to anyone. She explained that her anger over the idea of my going to a party out of town was due to her feelings that a "party" had superceded her in importance... I was, admitedly, a bit freaked out by this...

It was 100% need, all the time... and she seemed to percieve rejection everywhere.. If I called her earlier, she thought it was "just so I could get off the phone sooner..." If I called her later: "It's just getting later, and later all the time...." She'd erupt into anger, send me terse emails saying that it was "over", and that she was coming over to get whatever personal items were at my apartment... She'd be stone faced and all business... I'd be crying asking why she was doing this?? A day or two later, I'd get another apologetic email "I didn't really want to break up with you... I guess I was just hoping you'd do something to make me stay... like say "I'm not going to let you walk out of my life.. So kiss me you fool!!" I'm admitedly very, very bad at interpreting that sort of thing.

In the beginning I started falling asleep with her on the phone every single night... If the phone was somehow disconnected while at 4am instead of the usual 5 or whatever, she'd be upset the next day and accuse me of hanging up so I could call someone else.. Early on, out of nowhere while things were still (I thought) going really well... She called me up in tears, told me that she'd found a "bump", crying and asking if I'd been with someone else... Everytime these accusations happened (and they happened, a LOT) I would always assure her in every way I could that it wasn't true. (and it never was... I could never in a million years have cheated on her) But I was always left with the feeling she never believed me 100%.

She was over one weekend and made comments about how utterly disgusting my bathroom was... So I made a point to clean it till it was spotless... The next weekend she took this as a sign I was cheating on her.

I stopped wearing underwear and started wearing boxer shorts.. This too was a "tell tale" sign I was cheating on her.

She saw a picture of a girl I'd dated for 4 months - 8 years prior. She became convinced that the only reason I was with her, was because her nose somewhat resembled this girl's nose from the side.

She wrote me a brief email explaining that she couldn't see me anymore because she was broke.. Couldn't come over anymore.. Because she was broke.. Couldn't go out anymore.. Because she was broke... She used the phrase "because I'm broke" about 6 times. I mailed her a $100 bill in a nice card, and in response to that I got an angery email saying "I'll take what I need from this and mail you the rest, because I am not a WHORE - and do not need to be paid for "services rendered". (actually, pretty much anything and everything I tried to do nice for her was somehow interpreted negatively.)

I loaned her a car (a $400 car I'd bought from someone and never really "cleaned out" fully) She found... an empty Virginia Slims cigarette pack under the passenger seat. Apparently, it had a Louisiana tax stamp on it. (I live in Texas) Weeks later, she erupted and "busted" me... She was 100% convinced that I had hired a Hurricane Katrina evacuee prostitute!! It was... INSANE. I'd try to convince her of this, not get too upset about it, and make it something to laugh about - and that would only make matters worse... Then I was "making fun of her"

She found fault... in everything.
My doorknobs "stunk"
My bed squeaked too much.
If I held her hand... "Hold my f$#cking hand tighter!!"
Or.... "Not so God D#@#ed tight!!"
If I ate quickly, I was "shoving everything down my gullett like a pig"
If I ate more slowly... "Hurry the f$#$ up and eat!!"
There was no right way to end a conversation with her...
"Well... I've gotta be up at 7am tomorrow so I'm going to get some sleep" would yield "Why don't you just tell me why you really want to get off the phone?? Why give me these excuses?? You're going to call someone else, aren't you??"
When she'd erupt in anger... Which would be often, without any warning, and out of nowhere.. it was RAGE... And it was ALWAYS over some imagined slight or simple misunderstanding. Any attemp to "reason" with her in this state, was COMPLETELY futile, and only escalated the situation to intense nastiness. I remember it feeling like a car that's out of control and in a spin... There was no controlling it, all I could do was "let go of the wheel" so to speak and wait for the crash.
EVERYTHING was always my fault... I became the worlds best apologist.
If she blew up into a rage and stormed out of my apartment screaming obscenities... Instead of an apology a day or two later - it'd be MORE anger, because "I can't believe you just let me walk out like that and drive home at 1am..."
Lots of "no win" situations... I'd wake up in the middle of the night and get a drink of water.. lay back down, then a few minutes later: "Find anything interesting on my f#$%$ing phone???" "Huh??" "You F#$@#ing heard me!!!" "I got a drink of water.. I didn't look at your phone.." "Yes you f$##$ing did!!! don't EVEN try to deny it..." = NO WIN. Either accept blame for something I didn't (and wouldn't have) done, or stay up until the wee hours of the morning in a completely futile attempt to prove myself not guilty.
We'd have a wonderful weekend together - full of fun... I'd be leaving and say to her "See?? This weekend was PERFECT... All we have to do is go FIVE DAYS without any BS arguments, and we can do it ALL over again!!" She'd agree, big hug big kiss - I'd drive home with a smile from ear to ear, still glowing... Get home after 3 days away, check my email, and 5 minutes later: "I guess there was just something SO utterly important that you just HAD to log onto your computer before having the common f#$#$ing decency to let me know you arrived hom safely, huh??? I will NEVER understand you.." I could NOT believe it!! 30 minutes ago we were fine... And it's already an argument?? How can any person be THIS paranoid??

Anyhow, I'll probably continue this... There's a lot to tell and it's an interesting story... Cajun hookers, lawnmowered barbie dolls, rambo knives in my apartment door, self injury (on my part), angry rage and kicking in an aquarium (on her part), Abandonment issue nights in the hospital (my part), infidelity and lies (her part) I'm sure it comes off like a lot of complaining... but writing it (in some ways, at least) helps me to focus on the negative aspects of this whacked out nutso relationship, so hopefully I'll be able to stop re-living the "good" parts in my head and feeling so bad that it's over...

Thanks for reading...

Check out the tool Separation of Stuff to your upper left screen. And.....we always have a choice with our behaviours-- You are NOT a victim. You choose. This stuff doesn't just happen to you no matter what type of person you are with. It's just not how it works. You played a role too.

You are welcome (I think) to continue to write out your thoughts......but I don't think it will be helpful to you to do so. At least, not as helpful as actually working on the problems will be.

It seems like you are just trying to paint another party in the all-black category to relieve your own guilt.

What I've found matters-- really and truly matters-- is finding the NOW. Living in this moment, right now. If all you are doing is obsessing over the past (even if you are trying to sort through), you are choosing to live your NOW again, and again, and again, and again, and again. Why would you do that?

You've lost your passion-- you said so yourself. Why not-- instead of dredging up the dark abyss that was your past-- you find your passion? I really think it would be more helpful to you. But, of course, it's always your choice.

Hi Harmonium,

Thank you for your thoughts. I've seen the "seperation of stuff" diagram, and it made quite a bit of sense to me.

I'm certainly not trying to paint the other party "all black" - I absolutely played a role (a large one) in the problems we had. I think what I was trying to do, was bring back some of the more negative memories - in hopes of somehow nudging me in the direction of putting it all behind me.

I know these feeling are irrational, but this person was a HUGE part of my life for 2+ years. As broken, unhealthy, and dysfunctional as it was - it was the closest thing to a "relationship" and being "in love" that I've ever experienced. My mind has a tendency to remember all of the "good times", the feeling of being in love with another person and thinking that it was somehow going to last forever... Those memories come crashing against the knowledge that this person has moved on, fell in love with someone else, and is now married...

The best way to describe how I feel... is that. I didn't choose to be the way that I am, I'm far from perfect and am sensetive to the extreme. This person KNOWS that very well. She's seen me in my most broken and dark moments... Balled up in the corner in tears, covered in bruises... She knows all too well how sensetive, and fragile I am - but I think she also knows that I am a decent person at heart, worthy of love just as everyone is.. A year ago, I was illedgedly "moving home" with her. We'd been apart for 2 years due to geography, school, and my job... She knew that for me - "moving in" with someone, and living with them on an everyday basis, was a HUGE step. I'd written her the most sincere and honest letter I knew how to write, and told her that my fears of such things felt a bit like a scared little kid on a diving board afraid to "jump" - that I was trying to overcome this sort of fear and realize that an opportunity of a life with someone had the possiblity of being a wonderful thing, not a prison sentence... A potential joy, not something to be terrified of. She knew this, completely... She assured me that I could trust her, she told me how excited her Mom was that I'd be moving there, about all these little "projects" she had planned for me... After quitting my job, and terminating my apartment lease - I spent all of my time helping her get packed and moved... She met and had dinner with my parents for the first time, we went out on my Birthday and had a wonderful time... Big hug and kiss in the bus stop... But she was already out dating other guys, but 10 days later...

I freaked out on an unreal level... I just simply could not believe it. She was even busy writing me "I love and miss you" emails, and telling me about job opportunities up there while she was already dating someone else. When I called and asked if she would be able to help me pack up and move, she erupted on me... Told me I had "some f#$king nerve to even THINK I was welcome there", and throughout the next week she continued to bombard me with the most hateful and hurtful text messages imaginable. She told me, in no uncertain terms, to leave her alone and never make another attempt to contact her. And devastated as I was, over the coming weeks I tried my best to just "let it go". A friend later shared an email from her with me, and the jist of it was that the whole "move home and start a life with me" bit was in reality just a convenient ruse to be... well, rid of me.

A few months later, out of nowhere, she started messaging me again. "I feel so horrible... I never should have rushed into dating someone else...." "I'm so terribly sorry I tried to discount my feelings for you that way..." "I love you and miss you something fierce..." "I understand if you think it's a bad idea, but I really, REALLY would love a chance to see you again" ... Of course, being completely concious of all of the above - I bought it, and agreed to see her again... We spent a weekend back at her Grandma's house - and it was... oddly nice. While she didn't apologize for anything (she doesn't do apologies... ever) she said she was "under a lot of stress". By a couple of weeks later, she was over it (again) and gave me the txt message dismissal... (again). I was a bit more prepared for it this time, and it didn't bother me as much because I was still partially in recovery from it happening a few months prior.

Over the summer - we decided to hang out as "friends". I took her to a theme park, and we had a really good time... I stayed at her place, was a perfect gentleman as I said I would be, gave her a hug in the morning and came home... The next night - "It's hard to see you go... I want to live with you... Fall asleep next to you every day and wake up next to you every morning" We hung out a few more times over the summer, and had a really good time - but no real "talking" about anything of substance... She made jokes about "we need to get married soon..." and sent me kissy text messages constantly. She called me, and started telling me about all these old "saved messages" she had on her phone, and about how much they meant to her... And that she'd "never met anyone like me before" A month later, she was renting a house in the country with the same guy she dated when she'd originally moved home and they've since been married, and delivered this news via a trivial and impersonal text message, and promptly changed her number.

What am I getting at?? I can understand completely that her and I weren't "right" for each other in any way, and even in a way try to be happy for her that she's found someone who is.. But at the same time, I feel as if she knows me... She knows how I am, and that while I'm a decent person at heart I have tremendous trust issues and struggle with knowing what to believe and what to doubt.. Why do that to a person that you allegedly "love and care about" over, and over again? While I'm always concious of the fact she's just screwing with my head, I've got a sickness that ensures that I can always somehow con myself into believing it. She knows, all too well, the emotional and mental issues I suffer from and that just like a drug addict that knows what they're putting in their body is bad for them and wishes they could stop - I always feel powerless.

Essentially - I know I have to accept blame.. I know who I'm dealing with, and that whatever "feelings" for me she claims to have for me tend to evaporate more quickly than hand sanitizer. But at the same time - I feel... discarded, hurt, and angry... It's incredibly painful to have built up a person in your head to some God-like figure, but know that to them - you don't mean anything... Was I worth 10 minutes out of her busy day for an email? nope... just an after the fact text message. While I know I certainly shouldn't measure my worth by another's behavoir towards me - it makes me feel so insignificant, and worthless... To know that this mess of memories I've built up into my head aren't love, or any close approximation thereof... It leaves me looking back, wondering what was ever "real" - and what I just convinced myself was real.

I know dwelling on the past is not healthy, and that I should just try to actually learn something from it and move on. But I feel like it's crap like this that helped me get into this screwed up predicament in the first place... For someone who already had incredible issues with relationships and believing someone loves and cares about them - this entire experience just seems to have done MORE damage... And what's eating me, is that none of this BS matters, hasn't mattered, and SHOULDN'T matter... None of it's "real" - all this endless dwelling on it and constantly searching for some sort of resolution of it just escalates exponentially until all circuits are busy in my head and I fall to pieces... The problem is ME. I don't know how to get "unstuck", and no matter how much I try to distract myself - the feelings won't seem to quit... They intensify, and my brain pummels my head and my heart with the most painful, horrific feelings and emotions imaginable. Bent over and crying so hard it doesn't even make any sounds... Followed by... Anger, and horrific feelings of something akin to hatred... And it's a cycle that no matter how hard I've tried, I just can't seem to break.

I remember seeing in a movie once - somebody told a story about a monkey.. They buried some nuts in a hole, but the hole was shaped in such a fashion that the monkey could only slide his hand in open.. Once he grabbed the nuts, he was essentially "trapped"... He strugged and struggled for hours on end, never realizing that the thing that'd set him free was to just "let go".

I sure as hell wish I could learn that lesson... Thanks for reading.

I'll also add... To make all this endless drivel even MORE irrelevant, is that....

The problem is me... Currently, I feel incredibly dizzy and confused... detached and entirely "unreal". My obsession with this "girl" and the feelings surrounding that whole ordeal have no basis in reality AT ALL.

I don't know if this is a symptom of BPD, or some other mental health disorder, but I feel frightened, anxious, and almost... psychotic... a lot of the time. I question my own sanity, and feel on the verge of "losing my mind". I'll feel ok for a few hours, and all the sudden these feelings erupt and it's just... terrifying. Like a bad drug trip or something, where you try to talk yourself down, try to grasp onto something solid but there isn't anything.. I constantly think about checking myself into a hospital, but don't only because I know that there's really nothing they can do for me except knock me out and keep me for observation... I feel like my brain goes haywire - erupts and tries to see every situation from a million different angles trying to determine which one is real.. Sometimes my mind gets tied in so many knots that the best I can do is try to grasp really basic things that I know to be true. What day is it? What time is it? What's my name? Where was I born?? Things like that.

I also don't know if this is a symptom of BPD, or something else... But several years ago, I sort of "snapped" - I'd spent several weeks inside my room, pacing back and forth in circles, thinking and thinking and thinking... My mother called and asked that I meet her for lunch. I hadn't seen her in a very long time, and it was just... weird. I recognized her as a familiar face, but something felt really bizarre and I remember feeling terrified. She excused herself to the restroom, and I somehow became convinced she was calling someone to come and get me... Shortly after that, I left. The rest of what happened is kind of blurry. I remember walking around town feeling incredibly spaced out... Terrified of everything. It felt like everybody was looking at me, and I remember seeing some kid and wondering if he was a hallucination... Next thing I knew, some lady was squatting down asking me who I was... I was curled up in a ball in the driveway of the house I grew up in, balling like a 4 year old asking where my parents were.. I was 20 something at the time. Eventually I felt like I kind of "came to", and left... Somehow, I ended up knocking on the apartment door of a person I'd worked with years prior. They let me in. They could tell something was really "not right" with me. I remember his girlfriend asking me "Hey... Are you ok???" and that's when it happened. I just... snapped, curled into a ball and couldn't quit crying. From what they told me, I spent about 4 days curled up in the corner of a spare room and didn't speak. The said I acted like a scared wild animal or something, and was apparently terrified of them and would ball up and shudder whenever they'd enter the room. They eventually called the county mental health place, and somehow I made it there.

They told me I was Bipolar, and gave me Lithium and Depakote. I took that for awhile, though I don't remember really if it made me feel better, or not. This place had a pretty high caseload, and you got - at most - 15 minutes with a Dr. The doctors also changed rather frequently, and everytime I'd see a new one, they'd convince me that the guy I'd been seeing before had it allllll wrong. Depression, Schizoaffective, "avoidant personality disorder", OCD, ADD... "your perfectly fine... The only thing that makes you crazy is the fact you think your crazy..." Eventually, I just quit going... And I did just fine for a few years, until I met "the girl". By a few months in, things were already screwy and I knew I needed to go back.

I'm sorry if all this on and on rambling is out of place here, not-productive towards recovery in any way, or should belong on some anonymous blog or some sort or something. Maybe somebody can relate to some of it, or if nothing else... maybe it'll make someone else feel a bit less crazy?? My mind is so incredibly screwed up and random right now, that I don't really even know what I'm typing half the time...

One of the things that I'm hoping to do - something that was suggested by one of the therapists I met with and promptly disappeared from on a couple of occasions, is to make a "timeline" of my life. Because I have such an incredibly vivid memory, and because I seem to lack any "depth perception" of these memories, a visual representation of what events occurred where and for how long might give me some perspective. (which is something I definitely lack). Thanks for reading and listening.

Okay, I read your LONG posts (weird for me to say that).....but until you are focused on you, not her, and your recovery I'm not going to read any more.

It does sound like you have been through quite a bit, but we all have around here. If you want to get serious about helping yourself, I'll be here.

Oh, and I agree with your docs..."you're only sick because you think you are"--- there is a lot of truth in that, although maybe not quite so black and white.

Our perceptions of our environments shape our thoughts which in turn shape our emotions and that goes on to shape our actions. If you can catch this cycle with the thoughts you CHOOSE to think....you can change your world.

Sorry my posts are so long and rambling...

I'd like to focus on myself, but honestly I'm not entirely sure where to begin.
I've read most of the stuff on the left hand side.

I want to get better.. I NEED to get better... I just don't actually know "how" to, or what part of my problems I should actually try to focus on first.

Would trying to identify my problems be a good first step to trying to solve them?

I know that this is something I can't solve on my own and that typing about it endlessly on this forum certainly won't do me much good. I think that this week I will try again to find a good counselor or therapist in my town. I've seen two of them here, and I didn't feel that either of them were very well equipped to help me. One admitted he'd never actually heard of BPD and would have to "do some research" on it. The other spent most of his time complaining about his ex wife, and suggesting that what I really needed to do was go out and "get laid".

Part of what has made attempts at benefiting from therapy hard for me, is that I have an extremely difficult time articulating precisely what it is I actually need help with.

Thanks again for your patience and for taking the time to read my LONG posts.

I didn't intend to come across as harsh, I'm sorry if that happened. I can identify with and appreciate your struggle to know where to begin with all of this, and I don't really believe there is "one" true answer for all-- I think it's a really subjective thing to do, recovery.

I'm also sorry to hear of your experiences in therapy so far.......they don't really sound qualified to me from what you have posted. Getting the 'right' T for you may take some doing, but it is possible and I find, immeasurably helpful to 'click' with a T. I wish you the best of luck in this regard.


Yes, I do think this is a great way to begin, but it can be problematic at times. Part of all this for me has been truly discovering who exactly I am and who I want and choose to be in the future-- no small task!


Why do you think this is true for you? Is it that you honestly don't know which emotion(s) (there are usually more than one at play at a time for me!) are in progress or that you don't want to admit them (another problem for me)? I do think some quiet time just getting to know yourself-- as odd as that may sound-- may prove useful. Check into Mindfulness techniques on-line......I can help with that too if you are interested.


This might be yet another great way to boil things down to manageable for you. Have you begun this task?

In the end, I don't think it matters exactly what you do. The point for me, what works, was setting a goal (even a small one, maybe especially) and setting methods for achievement of the goal. Actually doing something about my situation, even when I didn't quite know what the situation was (emotions are tricky!). Using the tools at the left have really helped me to define goals and see what the hindrance-- if any-- there was in the way of achievement. Basically, I had to 'drop' the idea of who I thought I was (maybe formed long ago and mostly incorrect for the now) and decide-- choose-- who I was going to be in the NOW.

In the end, it's just diving in and hoping you can swim. The 'secret' no one tells you-- you can, you just have to believe it and try.

Does any of that make sense to you?