BPDRecovery.com: Forums

Hi,
My name is Leilah, obviously, lol. I'm 25 and married with 2 daughters ages 16 mo and 3 mo. I stumbled upon this website through another site and I am hoping that maybe, just maybe I will find the support that I need. I hope that maybe I will come across some people that I can relate to, maybe I won't feel like I'm the only one who is this far out of control of the situation. I am very, very leery about this, a little afraid about the reactions I will get.
I was diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder at 18 and the diagnoses was changed to BPD by my (then) counselor and psychiatrist. I have a very severe case that is up and down a lot. I have a very strong self loathing because of things I have done and how crazy I have gotten. From what I have read, I know logically that I am not entirely to blame, and that I need help and to learn HOW to control my behavior, but I feel like a monster. A lot of articles on the topic that I have come across make me feel like a leper. I really crave a normal, balanced life more than anything.
A little background on my life. I was born and raised into an abusive family. My mother was severely abused all through out her adolescence, getting into drugs and alcohol use as early as 10 years old and continuing the pattern into her adult life. She quit using all chemical influences when I was 10 mo's except cigarettes. I look at my own diagnoses and realize that she seems to have her own severe form, though I believe it to be histrionic personality disorder. (I have been studying psychology for many years) The only reason I mention this is because of the affect it has had on me growing up. I have a mild loss of Identity due to the fact that she consistently fabricates the majority of her life. I can't tell you when I took my first steps or when I said my first words (according to her I was 4 mo which is not possible.) I have one older brother, he is 29 now, who throughout my teens and into our adult life has been severely unstable in his temper, also resulting in extreme emotional, mental, and limited physical abuse. An mild example would be when my first daughter was 3 days old he started yelling and cussing at my mom for just standing in his way (he still lives with her) and I told him to "knock it off, she doesn't need your crap, you should show her some respect" and he started yelling and cussing and telling me to take my "half-breed" out of HIS house (shes half Mexican). This is daily for him and I forbid him from being around her for the first half of her life. He is now allowed short supervised visits.
I will write more in dept another time, I think I have written more than enough. Thanks for letting me post here and I hope that I didn't offend anyone.

Welcome Leilah! You won't be treated like a leper here. You'll be challenged to help you learn new tools to respond to the horrible situations you've been in. It is possible to live a healthy, happy life. It's not easy. There's no magic way.

Take a look to your left if you haven't already at the box labeled "Tools". There are lots of great tools there that can help in a variety of situations that can set off the borderline in us. And we'll be here to listen and give you feedback.

Let me say it one more time: YOU ARE NOT A LEPER.

Once again, Welcome!