BPDRecovery.com: Forums

Now it's time to introduce myself. I have been living like this for years now. Never knowing exactly what was wrong with me, until I hit rock bottom. (well, I have hit rock bottom numerous times) I started reading on the net, and came across articles describing BPD. I was reading about ME!
I am going to seek therapy, which I am determined to make work, because I am very good at manipulating. If out siders new what I am like at home, they would be shocked.
I am married, and have three young children. I have never hurt my children physically, but the emotional strain I have caused on this wonderful family must stop with me.
My name is No More Hulk, because I have always described my violent outbursts as Hulk like.
Sorry to ramble.

Hi Hulk -



If you intend on being manipulative in therapy, you are robbing yourself of some really awesome help. I find that it necessary for me to be open and vulnerable in therapy(in time, as with anything, you have to build trust in any relationship) to truly utilize it in a way that helps me, else you're spending money just to run your mouth Perhaps I've misunderstood what you've said.

Don't forget to check out the tools on the left. I can't sing their praises enough.

Looking forward to hearing more about you.

I re-read what I wrote, and I worded that totally wrong. LOL.
I meant that therapy hasn't worked in the past, because I manipulate, and wear a mask. I am determined NOT to do that this time.

Hi Hulk,

Have you found a therapist yet? I have a problem with not getting what I need out of therapy due to being so manipulative. I am on my third therapist now & still not feeling like they help me much. I know it's my fault because I avoid touchy subject & I manipulate the conversation to things I'm comfortable talking about. Even though I try not to be like this, it's so second nature that I do it without realizing it.

Latetly I did a very brave thing & emailed my therapist a couple pages from my journal. I am hoping this will help tear down a wall between us. I am just throwing all this out there in hopes that you can elarn from my mistakes. Good luck!

Mayberry

It's tough to rip down the facade. I think it's really great that you noted that's why you had a tough time gaining anything in therapy. I remember when I was a teen, I just assumed all the therapists sucked and had no idea how to help me. I was clueless to my own barriers. Once I realized what I had been doing, I worked on chipping away at those walls. It's tough, but well worth the effort and pain that comes with it.

You're right, it is tough to break down the facade. I have spent years subconsciously perfecting it. It is so hidden, I picture in the center of Fort Knox. It's mine, I created it, but how do break in?

Welcome to BPDR!

Since I just wrote this, I thought I'd share it here as well as you are interested in therapy:



But that doesn't mean you don't get your own personalized HELLO! LOL

Thanks, Ash.

Here are my two dilemmas.
1. How can a person hate themselves, and be a narsicist?

2. My family is falling apart because of my rages. How do you deal with aftermath?

The narcissism is the mask that the vulnerable wounded part of you holds up in order to appear to be everything that you really are not. The real you is a wounded child that needs to be reparented with loving kindness.

To deal with the aftermath you get to work on yourself. Apologize to yourself and others and get to stepping on making different choices. There will be seeming failures but they can be looked at as opportunities for personal growth.

1. That's the quintessential "I hate you, don't leave me" inflicted upon yourself. You hate yourself in one moment but then love yourself in the next. It's probably also how you deal with relationships as well - either you love the person or hate the person and there's no middle ground. It's black-or-white. All or nothing. Rather than seeing yourself in shades of grey where you see your overall self as awesome at A, B and C, mediocre at L, M and O and totally sucky at X, Y and Z, you look at one tiny aspect of yourself at any given time and make your determination at that moment based on the fraction of yourself that you're seeing.

Rather than looking at yourself in a full-length, 360° mirror, you're likely catching glimpes of pieces in a spinning mirrorball.

versus

2. The past cannot be undone. That essentially means that there's very little to deal with. Your words are likely meaningless to those around you, having said them all before only to fall back into the vicious cycle. The only thing you can plan for is the future and the thing you can "deal with" is the present moment at any given time.

The Four Agreements are a good place to start. It's especially helpful if read Don Miguel Ruiz's full book on the subject but even starting with the snippets on the BPDR website can be good. If you can focus on TAKING NOTHING PERSONALLY and MAKING NO ASSUMPTIONS for a period of two weeks - maybe wear a rubber band around your wrist to remind you of this "homework" project for that period of time - you might find yourself moving toward fewer bouts of rage.

The Five Steps are a good way to prevent the rage. I generally recommend starting with the Five Steps "in retrospect" for a while until you train your brain to cycle through the steps on a regular basis. Look back at the last few rages you've had. If you had stopped to check for the HALT things, would it have made a difference? Would you have felt differently? Would some of your anger have dissipated simply by stopping to take a breath?

This first step uses the HALT acronym but there are many, many more moods and feelings that could be named. Sometimes identifying and labeling what you're feeling can help you figure out what the problem is.

In the second step, it might be helpful to look for Twisted Thinking. Oftentimes, our reactions are based on faulty logic and that has become our baseline operating process. If or when we can recognize something in the reaction to a situation is amiss, we are often able to curtail the meltdown.

Additionally, though more likely further down in your journey of recovery, you may also consider looking to Separate Your Stuff From Their Stuff when defining the problem. She looked at you sideways and you're about to go into a tailspin? Her funny look is about HER, not about you. Make no assumptions and take nothing personally. Maybe she's having a bad day. Maybe she got dust in her eye. Maybe the sun was in her eyes. Maybe she mis-heard what you said. Whatever was going on, it was HER look so it was about HER, NOT about YOU. Let her own her look; you needn't take responsibility for the way she looks at you. That's not your burden to bear.

In the third step, I usually encourage folks to come up with three options along one of these schemes:

Black - White - Grey
All - Nothing - Something
Yes - No - Maybe

The odds are that the majority of your rage episodes fell in the Nothing / Black / No range (scream & yell.) While it may be tempting to swing into the completely opposite direction and aim for White / All / Yes options (be disingenuous, smile & be sugary sweet), the healthiest options (IMO) are the Grey / Something / Maybe options (calmly state the problem and ask the other person to help you work through it.)

When you look back on those rage episodes, how do you think things would have turned out if you'd taken a less volatile route? What would that have looked like? Felt like? What might those around you have said or done as a result? Would that be better or worse than what actually happened? Which one is more preferrable to you - the actual outcome (in the past) or the hypothetical of chosing and doing the Grey / Something / Maybe option?

The more frequently you work those Five Steps (even in retrospect, after the fact), the more you're training your brain to slow down, not go into auto-melt-down mode, stop and think. Everyone gets REACTIONS to things. "Grrr, that guy just cut me off. Would be nice to lean on my horn!" The key to recovery is coming up with healthy RESPONSES to things. "Oh well, I'm still alive and he'll just get there 2 seconds sooner. It must suck to be that high strung."

Untwisting Your Thinking in this step can sometimes help you come up with the healthy choices.

Thank You, Ash!
Though, I haven't been "Officially" dx with BPD, I am 99.9% sure I have this. (But, I must admit, I sanc to my knees and sobbed reading the description.)
This board has been a God send! I am trying to read all I can, as I wait to see a therapist. (As does my DH)
I am beginning to observe my own behaviors and thought processes, and everyday gets a wee bit better.
I have finally. come to terms with the fact that my husband isn't crazy....and I am so grateful that he is still here. (though its strained, and I'm sleeping in the guest room.)
I am committed to recovery! I will be successful at this, as I am an over-acheiver. Why not over-achieve for me?

Just observing and identifying the behavior seems to actually get it in check to a certain degree. That has certainly been my experience.