BPDRecovery.com: Forums

Hello,
This is keeptrying, and I was diagnosed as having borderline symptoms over 15 years ago.
Like a lot of you, I guess, I grew up in chaos. My father was a talented jazz musician, and my mother was, like me, diagnosed as having bpd. They both had troubled upbringings, and both relied on substances to control the grief. There was also a lot of bouncing around; my father was too into his music to understand the needs of family, so we were constantly moving when I was still young.
Eventually, they separated due to my father's infidelities, and my mother's instability. Tragically, when I was sixteen, my father died of a heart attack while my mother went through a string of abusive boyfriends for years.
All of this made me an overly compliant young man when I hit adulthood, and to this day, I still don't have a strong sense of my own identity. And, I used to have, and still due to some degree, separation issues, especially with the women that I date, and have dated - a story that some of you, if not all of you, are familiar with.

Now, I can consider myself lucky; I never got into self mutilation, or some of the other serious bpd behaviors, like narcotic addiction. Acting in has been my "style", and I smoke sometimes to relieve the tension of repressed rage. But, I've always been a nice guy; I've had great friends, and still do; I've always been a good student and worker; I've had success with the opposite sex; like my father, I'm a talented musician.
However, I still struggle - everyday. Every God damned day. The lock and key to ending my misery is the identity issue; I can't make the decision as to what to do with my future because of it. It scares me, but...

... I keep trying. Every day, I keep trying...trying to get better, through exercise, writing, acquiring new social skills, challenging my defense mechanisms, therapy...you name it.

So, hello all. I have a lot of experience with this recovery business , so maybe I can be of some help to you, and can help myself along the way.
You can help me, too.

-Kt

Hi Kt and welcome! I hope you like it here.

Like you, identity issues have been one of my biggest problems. That and "the chronic sense of emptiness." I'm better than I was, by a long shot, but I'm still trying to figure it all out, lol.

This is a great place to work on stuff -- I'm glad you found us!

Thanks, Sari.

Yes, I suffer from the chronic emptiness, too. But, I've gotten much more stable over the years, and I can sense that I'm growing as a person.

Thanks for having me!