BPDRecovery.com: Forums

Hi there. I'll come out and say that I have never been diagnosed with BPD. I just identify with its characteristics, for what it's worth. Regardless, I haven't had the opportunity to really address my issues with a professional because I'm afraid that the next one would "dump me" like my last therapist did.

My biggest obstacle right now is trusting others and being myself. I'm drawn to emotionally unavailable people and alternate clinging and distancing in my relationships, which renders the few that I have dysfunctional.

As of now, this is the most feasible social network I can attain, and it's hard enough just to make an appearance in this forum. But I want to be healthy and I'm willing to work for it.

Ugh, I can't even make a decent introduction. And now I'm reading too much into how many people have viewed my post and haven't said anything, because I think they don't want me here. People won't respond because they don't like me.

And yes, I realize how absurd it is, and it's embarrassing; but I was hoping I wasn't the only irrational mind here.

I feel like everyone is constantly judging me and so I can't ever open up, and I feel ashamed after everything I admit; even here.

No one is judging you that I'm aware of. We've all been in your shoes at least somewhat, that's part of what makes this community so great in my mind.

I viewed your intro earlier today, but did not have time to give you a proper response. I had to go do something off-line. My reasons for not posting when I first read your intro had absolutely nothing to do with you, but with my own schedule. I think you will find, with a bit more recovery tools under your belt, that not much of what people do or don't do is because of us. People get wrapped up in their own stuff--that's not a reflection of you or what you are or are not doing. Some days posts get many replies, sometimes people are busy with their own stuff. It helps to have patience when you can.

So....

I really like that you said in your first post that you want to be healthy and are willing to work for it. It is work, but it pays off ten-fold! I encourage you to take a good look around if you have not already done so. There is a tool box in your upper left hand screen that has some really good tips/info on how to battle these behaviours/feelings/actions that come along with BPD.

In any case, I'm glad you are here. I do look forward to getting to know you better and I'll be looking for your future posts. Really, this is a very kind place. I do hope you find comfort here, as well as a road to healthy, happy living!

FWIW, it doesn't matter if you have an official diagnosis or not. Some here do not have BPD at all but find the tools useful, some don't have official diagnosis or have other issues along with the BPD. The label isn't important in my mind. What matters, in my opinion, is that you recognize traits within yourself you would like to change (or are just maladaptive to your functioning) and work towards that goal of challenging those traits.

Thanks, Harmonium. I'm still working on becoming more aware of the ridiculous thought patterns I have sometimes. They're so primal.

You seem to have some good insight, from what I've gathered from other people's posts, and I look forward to reading it in the future.

Hi, snyder.

Mostly I just want to "ditto" what Harmonium said, it makes a lot of sense. Also I want to wish you much success on your journey to recovery. It may not be easy, but it sure is worth the effort.

A good way to start "untwisting" your thoughts - one of the main tools at BPDR - is to become aware of negative evaluations about ourselves. That's just the first step, which is later followed by changing those almost-automatic thoughts that we learned while young into more positive words. That's always helped me stop beating myself up about something, to give myself a break, which in turn has helped me get better from BPD.

As an example: you used the phrase "ridiculous thought patterns". How does that make you feel to label it like that? I personally felt bad about myself when I thought I'd done things in a ridiculous way (I used that word a lot). How about "unhelpful" thought patterns, or "unproductive" thought patterns, something sorta neutral like that.

Just a suggestion - yours to keep or toss over your shoulder like spilled salt! Good to meet you and welcome.

Marni/oceanheart

Hey there snyder. Just wanted to say hello and give you hugs, first of all. You have totally come to the right place for a lot of what you seem to seek. I think you are making one of the most important decisions (aside from coming to this site) just by being open and honest about your condition, and the way you feel about it and yourself. I am just at the very beginning of my recovery, and very much still feel as you do on a daily basis. So many people have told me I'm the problem, and I'm a "freak", among other lovely (not) things about who I am and how I behave or have behaved. Just know you are not alone, and we are all suffering from similar things.

It's going to be a long road getting to where you want to be, and being who you want to be, but you'll get there, as will I, as will we all. Know that you are not alone, and sometimes when people don't reply it's because they may either be in a bad place at the time (no one can help someone who is drowning if they are drowning themselves, both parties will sink), may have been or may get triggered by the very things you are dealing with, or simply aren't good with words or giving advice. I'm not much with words, so many people on this site seem to be so in tune and so insightful, I often feel inferior. The best thing you can do is what you are, be who you are, be honest about what you are struggling with, and know that even if you don't get a response (I often haven't) at least you have a place to spew what you need to, and in the end, that alone often helps.

A couple key things that may help, journalling being one of them. I am currently in a program (of two months now) and cringed initially at the very idea of having to journal. I am a speedy typer, so writing by hand is tedious, and often too time consuming for me to want to let it out on paper. Having this site is a godsend. Sometimes I just blurb about whatever is going on in my head, and sometimes it brings me clarity. Sometimes it brings advice, and sometimes it just makes me feel better to word vomit about my struggles. Do what you got to so you can get the bad energy out!!!

Also try keeping a gratitude journal (this one I actually write out) on a daily basis. Think of five things you can be greatful for (no matter how big or how small) as it helps to ground yourself in the good things you have. Do yourself a favour though if you do decide to utilize this tool, don't re-read it again and again just to pick apart how pathetic your things are that you are thankful for (I was guilty of that for awhile, but it passes) because there are so many people that have so much less.

Also, keep yourself pampered. It's so hard to do because we often hate ourselves in the early stages (and sometimes the later ones) or we suffer from horrible depression or guilt. Try small things that make you feel good (or even things that just pass the time, eventually they make you feel good) like having a bath or shower, watching a tv show YOU like without distracting yourself with other worries. REMEMBER, WORRYING IS PRAYING FOR THINGS YOU DON'T WANT. Put out that good energy and it will come right back at ya (which is what we want). Make yourself an indulging snack (don't worry about the calories, it's one treat for YOU) and cuddle up with a comfy blanket and hug the snot out of it.

Welcome aboard, you are in good hands here, and I am so damn proud of you for making the first step in signing up for this forum. There are a lot of helpful tools you can find around the site, including the people who share their stories too. Sometimes reading about what others are going through helps you to feel a little more human, and a little less detachted. Often times when reading other peoples trials, I see the exact same scenarios (it's kinda creepy) that I too am struggling with. If ever you need someone to talk to, we are all here. Having a sounding board is more helpful than we often know.

Hugs to you, and remember we're starting a new year and you've just made a really healthy decision by hoping on this site. Keep your chin up (you won't trip over things this way too) and remember what you are going through is normal.

Aww, thanks everyone. I really appreciate the welcome.

We appreciate having you a part of our recovery too!

Hi Snyder. Welcome to BPDR! You got a lot of great advice from the others. It's also good to read other people's posts. You can learn from what they are going through. It won't take overnight, but you can learn new patterns. Glad you're here!