BPDRecovery.com: Forums

Hello Everyone,
Living Life Amplyfied
I am a 32 year old female. I am pretty functional but I have been dealing with emotional issues my entire life. I have healed in many ways and seem to be on the right path however love relationships are a continued source of disappointment and frustration from me.

I am not making anymore excuses, I am a borderliner and I am here to resolve my issues and live a healthy happier life. I have never said that before..... I will say it again, I am a borderliner (but it is not all that I am). And for the first time in my life I am not ashamed. I want to have a wonderful intimate relationship and raise a family, it is my deepest desire but until I deal with my problems I am only going to continue to repeat my destructive behaviors and hurt the people closest to me.

I have been searching for balance since I was hospitalized for depression and cutting when I was 16 years old. I took myself off meds in my late teens and ever since then I have been trying to heal myself on my own. Yoga, meditation and buddhism have been the tools I have relied on. I am much better off now then I was, I haven't cut myself since I was 20 years old. But in fits of rage, I have been know to hit myself in the head and at the peak of my rage I have been known to shove and hit my partners (a bit hard to admit).

I am in a new relationship now and I am watching myself fall into the same destructive borderliner behavior, the pushing and pulling on my man, the flash anger, quick mood swings....i watch myself play this game..."I hate you, don't leave me". That is exactlly what I do. And I know exactly where it leads.

I am also extremely hard on myself and very indecisive. I don't do drugs, I don't sleep around, I don't spend too much and I like to drive a little fast but not anything out of the ordinary. I am constantly monitoring what I eat but so far haven't developed any eating disorders.

I just can't keep a relationship without putting myself and the other person through serious hell. It is as if I am almost normal and then I get into another relationship and I turn into a crazy person.

I also want to feel more comfortable with my peers. I have a bit of social anxiety when it comes to my contemporaries, I seem to be fine with older or younger people but think people my age will see right thru to my problems.

I can be sooo insecure.........so insecure!!!!!!!!!!!And yet sometimes I am confident. I fluctuate way too much. And I am completely and totally exhuasted. And it is so much worse around my periods. I need to find balance before I burn up all of my resources.

On a more positive note, I have had a breakthrough in the last few years. For the first time ever I can say that I am worth it. I am worth it. I am not the sum total of my symptoms and I am not a victim. I have come so far on my own.

I know that I can find stability and more self-love. I know I can untangle my borderline behavior and have a meaningful long lasting peaceful relationship. I know that I can feel less needy and insecure. And I know that this website and the new information I have come across is going to make a world of change in my life. And I know that I will go on to help others.

It is very difficult to be a borderliner. I think my father and my aunt are also borderliners. I think this disease is both nature and nuture based. It is handed down a long lineage of low-self esteem and complete lack of coping skills. Our parents lacked coping skills or the ability to teach us how to cope with our emotional lives. Our society is running low on self-esteem in general and it is serious as a heartattack. I feel like BPD is symtomatic of our times, don't take the blame. Instead take action. Borderline Personality Disorder is living life amplyfied. We just need the skills to turn down the volume. And that is what I am here to learn with all of you.

Thanks for reading. We can do this. One day at a time. Awareness is our key, self-love is our vehicle!!! ciao

Sounds like you've turned a new leaf!

I'm new here, too, and I've learned a lot reading the Stickies and stuff. It's a great resource.

Are you seeing a therapist, too, or doing anything else on the "outside"?

Just wanted to say hello and welcome you to the forum! I hope you find it as useful as I have.


I like the part of not taking blame, but rather action. I really like the second part--we just need the skills to turn down the volume....great stuff!

Hi Rdubs,
Thanks for your reply. No I am not seeing anyone. Can you tell me what thte stickies are?
Thanks
DAnna

DAnna,

I'm sorry for jumping into the lingo without explaining it. A "Stickie" is a post that is positioned at the top of each forum section. Usually it's something that is universally helpful, or something that comes up so frequent that keeping it at the top helps everyone find it easily, or something like that.

For instance, in this "Welcome Wagon" part of the forum, a post called "Welcome, welcome, welcome" is kept as a "stickie" at the top (it has an "!" in the icon). All of the sections have them. I started exploring the board by reading the stickies.

For me, it helps me get an idea of what the board's about, the community rules, the tone, stuff like that.

Let me know if you need more explanation? I am not sure that this will be clear enough.

Rachel

I could have written your post. That is my life.

This really stuck with me:


I so much want to give my children everything I didnt have. But I am incapable of a loving, stable relationship so I can't even think about a family right now. I am so volatile, tearful and mean in a relationship. angry and yet so clingy. totally crazy.

I want to lead a fulfilling life. I want intimacy and to respect my partner.

thanks for sharing your story.