BPDRecovery.com: Forums

I am a 31 year old female and have been diagnosed with ptsd and bpd. I am extremely accomplished academically and professionally but have nothing but chaos in my personal life. I am terrified of being alone. I go through relationship after relationship which start of amazing and then end in calls to the police and threats of suicide.

I recently met a man whom i wanted to marry. we went out for 6 months and he adored me. He wanted time off to deal with losing his business because of the economic situation. rather than give him space, I went to house, asked why, cried, screamed. I speak of it like an out of body experience. I know better but it is a reflex coming from some pain deep inside. I have gone through a month of agony. His saying he loved me was not reassuring- the contact just made me try more frantically to get him back. He just needed a few weeks off - so I ruined the relationship to the point of no return. He begged to be with me at the beginning so it hurts so much to end it with me crying hysterically for another chance.

Unfortuantley this has happened around 5 times. Yes, 5. One time I was hospitalized for a suicide threat. It is a deep secret of mine because no one who knew me could imagine this behavior. I have the time to devote to getting better. I am so lost. I am on the waitlist for a group, but I feel like this is bigger than me. I don't ahve a family and I want so badly to have a life companion and to have children and achieve success in my personal life.

I am 31 and just beginning my journey

Nice to meet you, b1024! I'm 31 too, but I turn 32 next month. I'm sorry to hear about your relationship(s), but hopefully some of the tools here will help. There is a blue box in your upper left screen with links to some very useful info on how to deal with all this BPD stuff.

I'm glad you are here and hope that you gain as much as I have from this site....learning to live healthier and happier has made all the difference in my life!

Have a good look around and jump in where you wish!

Nice to see you here. I am 30 years old. I was diagnosed as having Borderline Personality Disorder, Major Depression without Psychotic features.

Hey. I am DAnna.

I just submitted my first entry and decided to read yours. I can't believe how similiar our experiences are. I have been trying to heal since i was a teen. All that I can remember is that as soon as I felt truly lost and desperate that is when things started to get better for me. Many levels of my life have improved but the relationship part is still the bitch. I have gone thru cycles of being lost and found and each time I gain more ground. Just like you there is nothing more that I want then to raise a family in a functional environment.

I think if you have time to work on this thing, then you will improve markedly. Meditation is very helpful. I like Vipassanna. It cultivates areas of your brain which help you to become aware of how you are feeling. You can get access to what is going on by witnessing your behaviors. I don't know how any of us are going to get better without developing mindfulness. Acupuncture can also take the edge off.

Please don't be too hard on yourself. If you start to spiral into negative thoughts take hold of the yourself and offer kind words and positive complements to yourself. I know it sound hoky but it works. I don't know about you but that is the part I missed out on growing up. The praise, the assistance from my parents to get through difficult things. I didn't learn how to handle my emotions from my environment. I feel like I have to parent myself now. As if I turn into a child when I freek and I have to play the role of a loving skilled parent simultaneously to talk myself thru it.

I hope that I am not being too preachy. I just can feel your pain. At the heart of it I have a belief that no one is really going to love me. And until I change that that is completely what I am going to find around every corner. We can say that we deserve love but Ive got to really feel it.

I am sorry about your relationship. He probably needs time to recover as do you. You can alway earn back his trust.
Hope that you start feeling better. I know you will.

I am 33 and just starting my journey, so please try not to feel so alone At least not around here.