BPDRecovery.com: Forums

I have so much to say I don't know how to start. First, I haven't been diagnosed yet. I have an appointment Wed. morning for my assessment. But, since I have all 9 markers of BPD, along with a healthy dose of the Avoidance PD markers, it isn't hard to guess what they will say. I will say that I am afraid they will misdiagnose me and I won't get the correct help I need.

I have been this way all of my life. I started the more severe manifestations in my early teens. I functioned fairly well for several years until I married my husband. He drank in the evenings and I discovered drinking numbed the emotions and helped me control the anger bursts. I didn't get the emotional or physical validation of my worth from him, so the BPD feelings continued to grow. I quit "releasing" physically and started drinking more and more. Between the BPD and the drinking, I am unable to maintain any type of relationship with anyone. The rages have escalated and now I feel 3 emotions: irritation, rage or nothing........absolutely nothing (hurt or pain manifests as anger). People will say something to me and I am no longer able to respond correctly. Tell me a joke and I will just stare at you because I can't find any humor anywhere. I don't remember the last time I honestly laughed or even honestly cried. I can cry when I completely drunk, but that is just a "jag", not an honest emotion. I don't relate to other people at all. I have no empathy whatsoever. It's kind of like: "you don't care anything about me, you just tolerate me, so why should I care anything about you"?

Not surprisingly my husband found him one of those "she's just a friend" a few months ago. Once I put 2 and 2 together I completely went off of the edge. The physical manifestations returned with a vengeance. Then the biggest horror of all: during my last fit a week ago with my husband my son got out of bed. He saw me attempting to pry a blade out of a disposable razor. I cut my thumb pretty bad doing it so there was blood everywhere. Of course the blood was very comforting to me, but it didn't do much for him. That's when I realized that I had let this go too far. Not only was I on the verge of losing my entire family but I had done something that my son will never, ever forget. That night I cried in earnest for the first time. I have been crying ever since. That Monday I spent the day on the phone until I found someone to help me. My husband cut contact with his "friend" and is trying to be supportive. He always thought I just had really bad PPD (for 8 years?) and he about fell over when I printed out about BPD and had him read it. I have shared what I do and why, what I feel and why, my lack of emotional control and coping skills, etc with him for the first time ever. I also shared it with my one friend in the world. They are both on board with me and willing to help and support me all they can. Of course, that feeds my need for approval so it pleases me.

The scariest thing for me is that I have never been any other way. What if this is really me? What if I really don't have a personality like people tell me? What if I really am incapable of being light hearted an empathetic? Those are scary thoughts. The worst is that I see me in my son. I have to deal with what is going on with me and learn coping skills so I can help him learn coping skills. I have become my own mother and I can't stand the thought of my children growing up like me. I'm not real sure what "normal" is, but I know it isn't me. I want my children to be normal.

Thanks for listening and for being here. It is very comforting to find people that know what you are going through and know what you have ahead of you.

Hi Luv -

Welcome to the board! I'm glad you found us.

I'm glad you're going to get evaluated -- no matter what the diagnosis ends up being, it's clear you need to find yourself some help. There aren't any medications specifically for BPD, but some people benefit from antidepressants or mood stabilizers of one kind or another. There can be side effects from those drugs, and what works for one person may not work at all for another, so it can take some trial and error and re-evaluating and weighing benefits vs downsides, etc., to find the right mix for any one individual.

The other thing you need to do is find a good therapist. It's not essential (from my perspective) that your T be an expert in dealing with BPD, though obviously it would be necessary to find one who isn't actually hostile to people with the disorder -- sadly, there are quite a few people in the mental health field who write us off as impossible to fix. Nothing could be farther from the truth, which is not to say that it's easy because it's not. But we CAN improve, if we're willing to put in some serious work. Most evidence I'm aware of suggests that CBT (Cognitive Behavioral Therapy) works best for BPD; there's an offshoot of CBT called DBT (Dialectical Behavioral Therapy) which was developed specifically for BPD, but it's not available everywhere. The most important thing is that you find someone who you can trust and be open with, because if you aren't willing to be honest and forthright, you'll get nowhere. If the first one -- or two, or three -- therapists you interview or talk to don't make a good fit for you, then change.

And if you can't get your drinking under control on your own, I hope you'll consider AA or some other form of treatment.

I'm glad that your husband is being at least somewhat supportive. If he can be patient and work with you --couples therapy on top of your individual therapy can be helpful -- there's no reason to think your relationship can't work. And you're absolutely right that you owe it to your child to try to get control of all this. It may not be our "fault" that we got the way we are, but we have a choice -- and a responsibility -- to change what we do in the future.

I hope you'll find some good information and support here, and good luck!

It could be you have innate differences from average. (Actually, we all do, but to different degrees.) I do. But, if you work at learning skills, and learning about yourself, you can be a happier, healthier you. I suggest, aim for happy, healthy, and well adapted, not normal (for you and for your son both).

You won't always be what others think you should. But you can be a good you.

Glad you are going to get help. I know someone that sounds like how you say you are feeling, an ex friend of mine. And she also uses alcohol to cope with her emotions or lack of emotions. It isnt easy for her, her life has never been easy for her.