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Hello all,
I have BPD, and it is very hard. I have a very high emotional (and normal) IQ, and I can read people's faces and emotions very clearly, so it is very obvious to me how I effect those who I love. I also have a very strong will and strong awareness of my emotional needs, so I can see when my craziness is coming. I have learned to quickly remove myself from the presence of people so that my wrath is not experienced or shared by other people. Because my moods are so strong, I am afraid to let loose any of my emotions, such that I have even been called stoic as a child and unemotional as an adult (although these labels only came from close others that I would strongly label as BPD: my mother, my best friend, and my student).
It is very hard. Just because I can control the external outpourings of my disorder, does not mean that I can control the inner outpourings. And when I am hide myself away from the masses, I am very alone, and I get even worse, and it takes along time for me to fix myself. I have horrible feelings of abandonment, feelings that I don't provide any value to the world, feelings that I hurt everyone around me, feelings of emptiness, constant anxiety, get relief from trying to choke myself to sleep, many feelings of suicide ideation, a confusing sense of reality, a disabled sense of identity (I can't find my name on a piece of paper any easier than anyone else's), and just a general feeling of craziness. Having BPD really really sucks. And honestly, it hurts a lot less when I take it out on other people; it is actually somewhat of a release from the crazy feeling. It is a feeling that I am actually doing something, enacting something to try to change things.
So, in effort not to ruin the great things I have in my life, I run home, and close myself in, until it goes away. I use logic to try to work myself through the feelings, first by trying to provide myself with sun, exercise, interaction with humans (usually a trip to home depot where I try to learn something), reminders of examples of my success in the workplace, hugs with my pets, and then when I feel I can control myself again, a talk with a friend, to remind me that I do have friends and try to safely release some of the information. But this process can take a lot of time, and people can feel that I drop away from them for a while. (This process can take anywhere from a few days to several months.)
I have been in therapy for eight years now, and there are times when it is better, but it is always hard. Stress makes it much worse, and my life has been unreasonably stressful the last few years, causing somewhat of a relapse from some of the progress I felt I had made. I have not been 'officially' diagnosed, because I am not sure if the label will help me, and the label does not feel particularly important (the label does provide comfort in knowing that there are others like me, but it also provides an excuse and fear that what I have is uncurable). She and I do agree strongly, however, that I was brought up in a strongly-BPD-formulated household, and that I either suffer from BPD or PTSD (post traumatic stress disorder) or both, but probably BPD. I have recently started medication (the past year or so), but so far none of the medications have worked consistently. I have just started a new mix (zoloft and wellbutrin), which I have hope in, but I have to be prepared that it might not.
I have fantastic significant other (9 months now, but we have been friends for 2.5 years). But he feels hurt when I withdraw myself and don't share my emotions with him, but whenever I try to turn them on (even lightly), it immediately causes crazy chaos in the relationship, and he starts pulling away, and I felt very abandoned, and the common cycle continues. He, of course, as everyone, is imperfect too, and can also be overly emotional at times (which is actually tremendously freeing), and so I have to learn how I react to his emotions as well. I have since put back the reigns on my emotions, and we are close, yet reserved, but I very much want to be close with him and share without driving him away. (He very much feels it when I am reserved with him.) He is very wonderful and very important to me. I am afraid. I have not yet shared my disorder with him because I am afraid he will read about how horrible I can be, and that I am uncurable, and that he will not want to be with me, because I will make a horrible mother.
I very much want kids. But I have put it off for a long time, in hopes to first figure out how to completely control my emotions. I am so afraid to be like my mother. I am so afraid that I will do something to cause a disorder in my own child. So far, I have always been considered amazing with kids (I think I relate to them better), but I am very afraid of 'the turn'. I am afraid that I won't have the opportunity to shield myself from my child until the feeling goes away. I feel and fear so much that anyone knowing that I have BPD will just say, "No, you cannot have kids. Don't do anything that could possibly continue the spread of this disorder. You are now tainted. You would just abuse your child." And that just plunges me down into my abyss of self-worthlessness. I very much want to have a calm and happy home life, with a spouse and kids. I want to be loved. And even more I want to love. My family (all-BPD) are very dangerous people to love and let be loved by closely; it is better to do so from afar.
I feel like I take life very slowly, and very step by step.
Things are okay right now, and seem to be improving, but I know they can spiral downwards lightning fast for me.
The hope is that maybe, just maybe, I could take advantage of this calm period in my life to form a support group, external to my loved ones, that could help me get past these events quicker, so I can get back to my (responsibly) emotional life, and get to the point where I could have and raise an emotionally healthy family.
I am trying to change...
And that it why I decided to try to come here, and introduce myself to you all.
Sincerely,
Scared, but Trying,
Gavin
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