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Hi,

I'm a little uncertain as to what to say. I was diagnosed with BPD about a year ago and since then it has been a new brand of hell for me.

I was diagnosed with depression 10 years ago and I railed against it. I hated the notion that I needed a pill to be normal. But then about two years ago, during a horrible divorce, even Zoloft failed me. I turned to alcohol to fall asleep at night. Then I moved away to escape the shame and pain I felt for "quitting" my marriage - to a man who lied to me about everything.

I've always felt a strong sense of guilt that if something is going wrong, it's something that I could fix if I just tried a little harder, or was a little "better."

Luckily for me, alcohol wasn't an addiction - but somehow without it, I felt worse. I started to "go away". It was so comfortable to just zone out, forgetting where I was, who I was, all my problems.

And then there was Mike: I'd like to say that I've had good luck with relationships but that would be a lie. Everyone has their own brand of poison - something they like, even though it's bad for them - men have always been mine. And - true to my guilt - I always felt that I was being treated badly because I wasn't good enough.

But Mike WAS different. We'd been friends for five years - and when he held me it didn't feel like I had to be someone else for him. It was him who took me to the doctor about my "far away" moments. I worried him.

And that was the first time I heard the term Borderline Personality Disorder. And I got angry. I looked up the disorder - and hated it. Why did I need to fix this? I wasn't suicidal. I could suck it up and deal - it sounded like I was weak. Like I was unable to deal with emotions everyone else took in stride. Like I was broken.

But I knew I wasn't okay. I would hide in the shower and cry so that no one would hear me - because I couldn't tell them what was wrong. I give so much that there's nothing left of me... and it's hard because I still don't know exactly who I am.

But I'm happy to say that my therapist is fantastic. I've not "gone away" in months. But it's not easy at all. The other day I told Mike "It was easier when I could just go away." His normally smiling face got sad as he responded "For you maybe."

So, here I am. Trying to battle through my emotions. And I'm hoping that talking will help... because I'm scared it doesn't get any better than this.

Hi Escheresque! to BPDR!! (btw, the user name, is it after the artist? I LOVE Escher!)

It absolutely DOES get better than the place it sounds like you are in. At least, I felt the way you sound at one time.....and my life now is good, better than good. I couldn't even imagine what it would be like being 'recovered' from BPD, but I'm living proof you can do it! It does take a TON of hard work and persistence, but I feel like you can handle that.

In addition to simply talking about all that we suffer with BPD, there is also a fantastic tool section that is very useful. It's up at the left hand side of your screen. Personally, those tools have made all the difference for me. I hope you find them useful as well.

It's great that you have found a T that you connect with and have such a supportive mate. I'm happy for you.

Oh, and having BPD isn't any kind of weakness-- at least not in my opinion. I view it more as maladaptive coping, and that can be changed/modified to be more conducive to healthy, happy living-- the ultimate goal around here. You are in control of this-- your choices make all the difference. We will be here for you with help along the way.

I wish you luck on your journey towards healthy, happy living and I'm glad you are here!

Welcome.

Harmonium said it perfectly......and I love Escher too.......

WELCOME!!!!!!

Yes, my name is in reference to the artist MC Escher. I'm a big fan myself. I can identify with his art - something that on the surface looks so simple - but if you look closely it's extrordinary.

Thank you for your support. I'm looking at the tools now...

does anyone ever feel tired when faced with the world? Sometimes I look at the work ahead - or the life outside my house, and I can't bare to take the first step...

I can be armed with so many skills, so many tools... so many objectives... but even they make me feel weighed down and weary even before I start.

Escheresque,

I think we all feel that way sometimes. What I try to remember, especially during times where I feel overwhelmed, is that I have choices. I can choose to allow the process of recovery and all the work that goes into it to overcome me-- in other words I can continue on the way I always have. In my case, that choice meant being unhappy and unhealthy forever; a bottomless pit of despair and dysfunction. Or.....I can choose to just try something new. The way I see it, my life wasn't working the way it was before and if I had continued those behaviours, nothing would have changed. I would still be miserable, with little hope and no light in my life. However, when something isn't working the way it is being done, I find that trying something else is the best option for me. If the new thing I try also doesn't work, I try something else again and again until I find the thing that works for me. I can't continue to do the same things I have always done and expect a different outcome, but if I open my mind to the possibilities and try something new....well....then the outcome is inevitably different and in my experience, usually quite positive.


Would you rather continue your life the way it is now? These are your choices to make. Your recovery is your choice, your actions will help it come to pass or cause the dysfunction to remain. I know that's a lot to put on your shoulders, but part of recovery is realizing that we are not victims of some sort of twisted fate. What we do or do not do, as ADULTS, makes all the difference.

Sometimes these steps, especially that first one, are kind of like a giant leap without knowing where you will land. Maybe even trusting in yourself that you will be okay. It can be very difficult and quite scary-- I definitely identify with you on that. However, by doing what you are doing without taking that step, the outcome is assured-- more of the same. *'Feel the fear and do it anyway'-- take that first leap at your own pace. We will be here for you!


If having too many skills, too many tools, too many objectives is too much and weighs you down, simplify. I try to only deal with the right NOW, take things moment to moment. The type of change required for recovery from BPD is no small task, it takes time and patience.

I think you may find that if you just focus on one problem or situation at a time, working in the NOW, things are less overwhelming. Then, bit by bit, that all adds up to healthy, happy living over time. With each accomplishment, with success in each stage of recovery, you might find yourself growing stronger-- more able to handle these things. Set a small, attainable goals and work out a plan to achieve that goal. When you see these things on paper, and you have a workable plan to get to what you want.....well, it's easier for me that way. Without a plan, I find the weight of recovery too much, but if I can set and achieve these small goals.....well, it adds up.

We will be here for you during all of this, helping you when you ask for help. But this is something you choose to do or not. I hope that you will take the risk and choose to try that first giant leap.

P.S.
*Feel the Fear and Do It Anyway is a great book for conquering fear by Susan Jeffers. You might want to look into this book. I know I have gained quite a bit from it.

Hi, I'm new too!
Welcome :-)