BPDRecovery.com: Forums

Hi all,
I am a 30 year old woman and I have a long history of mental illness - major depressive episodes, anxiety, OCD, self-harm...the list goes on. I was hospitalized a year and a half ago for suicidal ideation. After getting out of there, it was suggested that I might have BPD. I started in an intensive outpatient program doing DBT work, which I found to be very helpful. But of course, I had to get back to my job and my husband and everything else, and since I felt much better, I thought it was time to try doing things on my own. But now, it's a year later, and I'm really struggling. I'm back to crying off an on all day every day, feeling the most intense feelings and not understanding why. I want to hurt myself just to make the emotional pain go away, and it usually works in the short term. I have this horrible feeling of emptiness in my stomach which I call my "dark clouds" and it never goes away. I can't listen to music, can barely eat, can't watch the tv shows I usually love. I can't talk to anyone on the phone because I just cry. The last time this type of episode started, I ended up in the hospital for 10 days, and I don't want to end up back there, but I don't know what to do.
I am so exhausted by this life. I don't understand why I can't just "get it together." I have a great job which I normally do very well at (I actually work with others with mental illness), I have a husband who loves me unconditionally...I don't understand why I feel the way I do sometimes.
I guess I'm just hoping to find some hope in this group - to learn how others manage their BPD and maintain a somewhat stable life. And maybe just knowing that I'm not alone will help too.
Thanks for listening/reading.
angie

Hi Angie, and WELCOME to BPDR!!

I think it's great that you have found this site. For me when I first came here, I thought much like your post sounds. I wanted to die to end the pain, though I've never been a cutter. I landed myself in ICU trying to end it. However, with this site I've learned to grow using the tools offered here. The people here have helped me more than I could ever say. I want to live now, to live fully and completely and cherish life. I hope you can get to that point too, and I believe it's possible for you too.

There IS hope!

You stated that you felt better when you were in therapy, correct? Is that a possibility now? Maybe a good alternative, a long-term one, opposed to harming yourself? I know it's difficult with a family and work, but really I believe that it's vital to do so. For me, I would have died if I didn't find a way to address my mental health. I couldn't be good at my career or with my family until I learned to handle my BPD.

Please feel free to ask any questions you have. Also to post when and where you see fit (following the guidelines at the top of each section, of course). Right now our board is experiencing some issues linking to the tool section, but they are the foundation around here. They can help, but so will we. The problem will be fixed as soon as possible. in the meantime, I will try to come back on site tonight and link you to some if you wish.

Welcome!