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Hello all. I am new to BPDR. I am 35, mom two two, teacher, wife, once divorced and possibly working in the second divorce. My therapists believes I am bipolar and BP. I am waiting for an appointment with the psychiatrist for formal diagnosis and medication. Until then, I am trying to cope the best I can.
My husband and I have been married for two years, together for six. During that time, things have been pretty rough between the two of us. I was just out of my first marriage, separated, but not divorce, when I met him. I have a long history of depression, mania, etc. After six months of dating, I ended up in the hospital after I cut my arm badly. I never followed through on therapy.
Years went by, we got married, but I always had these emotional outbursts, including many threats of suicide, rages, irrational behavior, spending sprees (nothing major, but I use retail therapy). I am also recovering from an eating disorder that began when I was a teenager.
We tried for years to have a child (I have one from the first marriage). I have five miscarriages in two yours, and I ended up in therapy, where I was diagnosed with depression due to hormones and grief. I never divulged my "bad" behavior to my therapist, and I stopped seeing her after five months. I manage to get and stay pregnant and had my daughter, who is now 20 months old.
One month ago, the husband decided he had enough. He said he was thinking of leaving. We tried one night of couples' therapy, which was disastrous, except for the fact that I realized I need serious help. I got into the therapist immediately. Husband has yet to leave home, but he is moving into his parents' house tonight. I'm okay with that, but I am left with the house and two children to care for on top of trying to put the pieces of my life back together, and I find it very stressful.
Six months ago, husband began an inappropriate emotional relationship with his female partner (he is a detective). He told her everything that was going on in our marriage. Last week it came out that when he first told me he had wanted a separation, he had already developed feelings for her. She is married, just beginning a divorce. He found out that she is "seeing" a mutual friend of theirs. He said he was devastated and jealous, but has come to realized that he has transferred his feelings for me onto her.
He says he loves me and doesn't want to leave, but that he doesn't "trust" me, and he doesn't know if he ever will. He doesn't know if I will follow through on this therapy and help (I certainly plan on it, but won't promise him). My therapist says I am excusing his bad behavior, and that I have a tendency to let people walk on me. I guess I do. He is claiming that he has been my victim, which I suppose he has.
I'm very confused. I tend to get mad at him, but I don't know if it's appropriate, considering my BP. I'm a bit relieved he is moving out because I know I need to learn to rely on myself. On the other hand, being alone terrifies me, and I feel wiling to overlook anything just to keep him.
Anyway, I am glad I found this site and the tools listed. I hope I can bepart of the community of healing.
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