BPDRecovery.com: Forums

I am a a recovering BPD. I started taking Topamax about 2 weeks ago after learning I had this disorder. I can't tell you the relief that came in just knowing that I am not the only one out there with this and that this was not the real me! With me, BPD sucked me within myself, but now I can see people and I feel more love than I did before. I feel feelings I haven't felt since I was a kid like shame and guilt for the things I've done. I'm pretty much scared a lot for all sorts of stupid stuff mostly emotional stuff like having sex with my husband (I am back in the states and he is in Canada since i've been on meds) and I am terrified.. I have a hard time watching condom commercials.. and i wonder if the real me has ever even had sex LOL.. (yes I was abused in that way.. I will need counseling) but today I am not scared so maybe it's just a process.. I also have experienced more intense joyous feelings and happiness and the emptiness is gone and the boredom is gone. I realized I have severe abandonemnt issues and my husband doesn't know who his wife is and hasn't seen this one since we got married but is glad to have her back (I have emerged from time to time if it's safe) however, I am seriously, emotionally stunted but I think I am accelerating at a rapid pace. Last week I was assimilating personalities (never did that before) like you do in High school and this week I have out grown family guy and t shirts with grapics on it (i am 35 for goodness sakes!) This is the weirdest thing I have ever gone through in my life.. It is if someone let out this little girl and and she is growing up to my age as fast as is humanly possible. Anyway, If anyone can relate or just add some words of encouragement that would be great, because it has been a lot to take on the last two weeks.. And I wiish you all health as well!

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