BPDRecovery.com: Forums

So here I am!

I'm Justin! I live in Knoxville, TN and I am 19.

My boyfriend asked me to marry him 3 weeks into our relationship. I accepted and I gave him my virginity. We moved into an apartment together, sharing a bedroom, 2 months into the relationship. 5 and a half months in, he broke up with me. 3 weeks later, diagnosed with BPD, we understood why. A day after diagnosis, he kicked me out of the apartment. I got kicked out of a play I was in, RENT, because I was too emotional for it. I lost my job due to depression.

So now I am sitting at home all day feeling miserable.

Andrew, my ex, told me that he is waiting for me on the "other side" - that side being, BPD recovery, but until then I am living with my mom again.

I've cut for 5 years and have wanted to kill myself, and almost did it a week ago.

I'm on Prozac, have been for 2 years, and am recently trying Lamictal.

I am trying to fix myself so that I can fix my broken relationship. All the most important things in my life have crumbled around me, and I feel smothered, and I cry a lot, but I have GOT to stand up and fix things. What's keeping me from it, though, is the fear that when we are back together, there won't be an "us" anymore, it will be just a normal relationship (I liked spending so much time with him!), and that he won't really be waiting for me, that I've messed everything up beyond repair.

=/

So. Hi. here I am.

Hi aureatedawn, and WELCOME to BPDR!!

Fear can be paralyzing, but it helps me to remember that inaction is a choice too. Also, I know what I get from things staying the way they are (usually not what I really want), so choosing to face my fear and find a new way can be better than just living the way I was. It's really better on the other side of all this, though I know how much work it takes to get there. You can do it.

There is a tool section on your upper left screen that can help you with your thoughts and emotions. I really strongly recommend them, especially twisted thinking (and untwisting!), the four agreements and separation of stuff. I hope you find them as useful as I have. If you need help implementing them, there are separate forums for each tool where you can get feedback and help.

I'm glad you have found us. It sounds like you have been through a lot recently and I believe BPDR can help. Welcome!