BPDRecovery.com: Forums

Hi,
I am not bpd, as far as I know.
I recently discovered that my nearly-wife is.
I read that family members are also welcome on this board, so here I am.
In case Admins think my post and/or my questions are inadequate, fell free to suppress this post.
What I am looking for here, as well as on bpdfamily.com, is some help and a better understanding of bpd and the way I can help my wife.

I am trying to save my relation with my bpd nearly-wife.
At least, even if I am almost sure it's over, I'd like to help her and help her daughters I've brought up for 8 years.
Her daughter (19) and I told her she's bpd, which we are deadly sure.
Nobody was aware of her illness before I made the diagnostic (helped by several P).
She's breaking up everything at the moment. Our lifes, her life.

She began to go and see a P. Twice now. She's doing a kind of face-to-face psychotherapy.
I also managed to find out a P specialized in Dialectical BehaviouralTherapy.
We are in France, we're French (please forgive my english) and it was not easy to find him.
She saw the P this morning and I was here, at her request, for the first appointment.
She is Ok to go on with both Ps. That is very positive.

I know it will be a long and hard way before she is well.

For the moment, the situation is quite bad:
- I am unemployed
- She took this as a excellent excuse to cheat with a rich guy, starting end of October (I didn't know).
- She had me leave her house for the excuse of my (financial) situation, mid of November (quite swift no !!???)
- We are still "together".
- I discovered she has another guy beginning of December
- She told me she broke-up with him several times since December. It was and proved to be always lies.
- She told me 2 weeks ago she definitely broke-up with him, which is another big lie (I know it for sure since I have some secrets too... ), but she only wanted a 3-month break. They go on exchanging messages on Facebook, telephone conversation and I think they meet sometimes....
- In December and begining of January, she was out of it, on another planet, completely dissociated, making a psychotic crisis with persecution ideas. It was absolutely unbearable: I lost 10 kilos in 5 weeks, her daughter (19) failed her exams at University, ... She went on smoking cannabis twice as much as usual, she went on drinking just to be "fucked up".
- She is now better and she is "landing up", but very slowly.
- At some moments, she understands she pushed the limits by too far and that she has a big problem
- But very often, she is completely denying everything: We (her daughter and me) have big psychological problems and she has small ones...
- She is "splitting" us: sometimes she loves us more than ever, other times she hates us to an extent you can't imagine.
- Her daughter (19) will tell her tomorrow or Saturday that she's going to go and live to her father's because of her impossible behaviour. Her other daughter (13) asked her father to also go and leave with him ...
- I would like to help her, as already said, to try to help her, to help her daughters and to save my couple if it is still possible.

My questions to those of you, either recovered or in recovery (so you know better than any other person how it works):
- What are the best ways to motivate her to really go into the therapy , since I am sure it is not sufficient to meet the Ps to go better ?
- How long does it take to someone motivated to notice real improvements with the DBT? 3 months, 6 months... ?
- I am deadly sure she will at least try compulsively to go and see her guy, which I think is her "anxiolytic". He doesn't even speak good French, has another culture, she told us it just for the fun (and the "money"! True! She told us that!). I would not like to stand this behaviour another time. I told her recently she has to respect me and not come into contact with him as long as she's still with me.
What else could I do since I believe that there are many chances that I will leave her in her sh*t if she goes on ? As is going to happen with her own daughter.
We try with her daughter to make her aware of her responsibilities but as her behaviour is compulsive, I wonder what else we could do. Any hints ... ?
Should I leave her and wait she wants to be back, if it happens one day ? But that's crazy! No sense of responsibilities...
- More precisely, do you think, according to what I described above, that we could remain together in the future, even with a good treatment ?
I read that a relationship with a bpd begins with passion and always end with hatred from the bpd person. If this is always true, I leave her right now !
- When recovered or in recovery, does a former bpd understand the pain and suffering that his family and husband/wife had to put up with ? I really wonder.
- Any other advices are welcome.

I'll certainly be back with other questions...

We just need help to avoid she destroys completely our family and herself.
Thanks a lot for your answers
I wish all of you the best in your efforts to be well.

Welcome here.

First of all, I would like to applaud you for wanting to stand by your wife, for your love and faithfulness to her.

You're most welcome to this site, I would also like to recommend you to this site, www.bpdfamily.com.

As to your questions, Im not able to answer all your questions. Perhaps someone more experienced would be better able to answer your questions. I just started on my recovery journey

From the point of view of someone with BPD, I wouldn't say that all relationships with a bpd person will DEFINITELY end in hatred. I think it all depends on whether the person is willing to seek treatment and make changes.

As to your question of whether the former bpd person will understand what others have to endure, my answer is a yes and a no.
When someone with bpd has the awareness of the illness, and the more that awareness comes, the more he / she will be able to understand. But that also comes with a lot of struggles, especially with self-acceptance.

I would say it all depends on how willing your wife is willing to work on her recovery. Many people (experienced ones) on this site have recovered, or are free from bpd diagnosis and I believe your wife can be too, with the right treatment, support and hard work.