BPDRecovery.com: Forums

i'm 26, and i'm married with 2 kids. i have never been formally diagnosed but about 3 years ago i went through a meltdown and realized i needed help. i searched the internet and came across a website about bpd. i instantly felt relief as to finally knowing that there is a reason why i am the way i am. for the last 12 years i have been a cutter. my mom (who i believe is also bpd) was an abusive drug addict. she used to hate it when i would cry, she'd scream and slap me. so i conditioned myself to stop crying when i would cut, but now it's the only way i can stop. my self injuring has even progressed over the years into punching myself or banging my head on the wall. i lash out at everybody, even my own kids and i'm so ashamed. my anger is out of my control and sometimes it even gets so bad that i black out. this of course has cost me many jobs. i have never in my life been able to hold a job for more than 6 months. my husband is aware that i'm like this because of a mental illness but he still doesn't understand, nor could i convince him to try to learn more about it. he definitely sees me as weak. but i guess i do too. i don't see myself going into therapy any time soon as we can barely pay the bills now. i really don't know where to go or who to turn to, i've never met anyone with bpd or any other type of personality disorders. it's incredibly hard for me to reach out to people and when people try to reach out/befriend me i just end up lying to them for stupid reasons, and then feel guilty and disconnect from them personally. i have also quit jobs because of this. i'm ruining my own life and i don't know what to do. i just want help. i can't do this alone anymore.

welcome to this place, and you're at the RIGHT place

I have been around for the last few months, and I found the tools around here particularly helpful.

You could check out the many tools available, or even just read around the forums to get insights and to see how others are overcoming their struggles.

Hang in there, pal!