BPDRecovery.com: Forums

Hi, I'm Ama. I was diagnosed with BPD about a year ago, but a second doctor changed the diagnosis to Bipolar 1 and PTSD. I'm not sure which one it is, but I think I exhibit many of the traits of BPD. My peers and coworkers tell me that I'm a wonderful, stable, happy-go-lucky person, while my superiors have told me that I'm unreliable, lazy, and disrespectful. I've had romantic partners point out that I am like two different people. In my relationships, everything is great during the dating phase, but when things start getting real--intimacy, commitment, etc.--I start causing drama, raging over nothing, being obsessive and codependent, crying almost all the time, mutilating myself and talking about suicide, I become silent and withdrawn, and blame it all on things my partner has done, like "Remember that comment you made when we went out to dinner three months ago? That was the start of all our problems, how could you treat me like that, when I have done everything for you?" You get the picture.

Things have been steadily getting worse for me over the last several years. I don't really have any friends left. The only relationships that I can make work are mutually abusive ones with other damaged people. I get good jobs but I always suddenly quit, I'm going to college but my GPA has been everywhere from 0.0 to 4.0, I have two great kids but I'm completely on my own with them and we've already been investigated by child services once, and I think another one is coming (truancy). I want to get to the root of my issues, to get some control over my actions and my reactions, and learn how to be myself around people. I hope that I'm headed in the right direction.

nicole,
Good that you have come to this site.
Now that you have identified that you have problems, what exactly are you doing to address them and to work on them?
Are you currently in DBt or seeing a therapist or a counsellor?

Hang around this site, read around other people's thread - glean precious insights into your own behaviours... Learn strategies to cope. Learn to process your pain. Learn some tools and practice them.

things will get better, trust me. Just work on your recovery!

I'm in the process of getting back into therapy; I was mad at my therapist because I felt like he let me down on a couple of things, then I got a new boyfriend and decided I didn't need therapy. I also quit taking my bipolar meds (Invega and Lamictal) because I wanted to be able to drink with my boyfriend. Five months later that relationship is about ten different kinds of over, and the way that I behaved in that time has given me a real epiphany about how BPD has been affecting my life.

I'm trying to get back into art, which used to be a big outlet for me; I quit that a few years ago because one of my ex-boyfriends (Yes, there are many) didn't like how much time I spent on it. I'm trying to figure out what triggers my dysregulations...if it's a "shit happens" situation, I'm fine, but if it's a situation where I feel like someone is trying to strong-arm me, control me, or manipulate me, or if I decide that they aren't treating me as well as they're "supposed to," then I either have an explosion or a meltdown. The absolute biggest step that I'm taking right now is that I've decided not to pursue another relationship, and to probably avoid sex, until I feel that I've gotten my head back on straight.

I think your decision not to pursue another relationship for the time being is an excellent boundary for your own self.

Right now, your utmost priority is working on your recovery and you've got that right.

well done!