BPDRecovery.com: Forums

Hello everyone,
Well I am a SAHM mum of 3 young children am turning 27 in a few weeks, and I am no where near the person I thought I would be.

I had a total breakdown at 18 years old - my biological dad hadn't been around for years (I had him on a pedestal even though he beat my mum, abandoned us... meeting him in real life stopped me from keeping him on that pedestal). My mum raised us by herself as a SAHM, and there were 6 of us children in total - I have three sisters and two brothers. I am the second born child, and I have always felt that I didn't trust my mum, and that I was the child that didn't fit, that wasn't important or as good or as loved at the other children - though I tried my best to be good.

I grew up with a WAY over developed sense of right and wrong, as well as an above average academic intelligence - black and white thinking drove me up the wall because I had (and still have) trouble reconciling the fact that there is grey areas... even typing that makes me uncomfortable, just thinking about there being grey areas in life - to accept there being grey areas, to me feels like I am saying it is ok to do something wrong, or to do something in a half-hearted way instead of how it is supposed to be done... I have always struggled with that black and white thinking. I also struggle a lot with putting people on a pedestal, and then when I find out that they are not perfect, then it seems that nothing they do is right to me any more... worse still is that I can flip flop from one to another (idealising/hating someone) very quickly.

I also now have a chronic back pain issue and am taking a lot of strong pain killers as well as antidepressents. I am struggling to get back to some sense of a normal life after spending the last two years bedridden, on a walking frame, or on crutches, and hardly doing what I used to. I struggle with the unfairness of having to live in physical pain every single day. I can see that I have come a long way because I am able to walk unassisted now, but bringing back together the pieces of my life is proving difficult... I am also trying to reconcile with my children's father who has been my partner on and off for the last 8 years - you can imagine the ups and downs we have gone through.

I was dignosed with BPD in 2009 while I was in hospital with my back injury - the diagnosis was hidden from me for a long time. I couldn't accept that I had anything other than chronic depression and anxiety. However I am feeling the worst I have for a long time, doing the least possible - and I knew I should look at BPD in case it IS what I have and I could find out something to help me get to some type or normalcy... for my kids, for my relationship to work out with my partner, and so I don't feel like a ghost any more.

When I started reading about BPD, I realised that the dx was spot on. Now I am wanting to deal with this the best way possible, I just don't feel safe revealing that I think that the BPD dx was right to anyone as yet - guess that is part of the whole abandonment thing...

Anyways, I better stop writing, otherwise it will go from being a post, to becoming a 'novel' Best wishes and blessings to you all

what do you mean by SAHM?

Welcome onboard

Thanks for sharing your story with us.

I guess you have your focus right - your three kids and your current relationship with your partner - one of the main reasons why you should work on your recovery

Welcome! There are lots of great resources here that can help you- I hope that your journey to a better, richer life can begin now.

Hello.
I'm a BPD sufferer. I was also coping pretty good until I developed a very painful hernia and underwent surgery. After surgery, I was in what I can only describe as irritating pain & felt I would never get better. I'm finally getting better & it has to do with my diet. I am very conscious of what I eat, lots of greens, lots & lots of protein, and purified fish oil have helped restore my health. It didn't happen overnight. I didn't even notice any difference until 4 months later.
I also had to decrease caffeine and give up alcohol. I just wanted to suggest this because mindfulness is very important in recovery & I've discovered tuning into my body has proved beneficial.
Hope this helps.

I can really relate to the idealizing and devaluing cycle. I have been keeping a journal and I do it a lot. The closer I am to someone the more intense my devaluing of them becomes when they do not respond the way that I want them to. It is really confusing. I am grateful for the amount of restraint that I do have when it comes to acting out. God only knows the damage that I would do to my relationships if I actually said some of the things that I think and feel instead of journaling them and talking them over with a life coach or therapist.

Angie,

With three young kids at home, I imagine your days are pretty full but I hope to see you around BPDR more regularly. There's a lot of good stuff here and great folks. Please try to make your own recovery a priority throughout your hectic schedule. As the old saying goes, "If mama ain't happy, ain't nobody happy!" You deserve it.