BPDRecovery.com: Forums

Hi Everyone

Just thought I would take a moment to introduce myself.

I was diagnosed with borderline personality disorder with extreme fear of abandonment about ten years ago, this forum seems like a Godsend.

My biggest issue is fear of abandonment, I just had a friend that due to my clinginess has decided they need a break from me......... Those on the outside world don't understand anyway, ask any questions you wish..........


PS Im also a Christian so any other christians would be great, it seems to effect even my church life

Thanks

!

supermedic
I'm a christian too, just for you to know.
what do you mean it affects your church life? How? would you like to share more?

I mean, I have recently changed churches due to losing transportation,a nd I have made some really good friends there.


I keep second guessing them in their friendship. The 2 main friends there have insisted up and down that im not doing anything to sabotage the relationship..

However I had this other friend, who we have had numerous talks about the fear of abandonment, and he knows the reality of it and what ti can do, but he said he needs a break ( he is in law school),

and I am havign trouble reading his posts......... but here is an excerpt

N.E (Him) April 1 at 2:06pm Report
�Gs. This fear of abandonment thing is making you self-centered, please stop with it. You have a God that will never leave you nor forsake you.

MS (ME) April 1 at 2:07pm
I know, and thank you :)
MS
April 1 at 2:10pm
Its a work in progress, the fear of abandonment......... and I really am trying to make a conscious effort........ It is just difficult!! Your encouragement helps :)

MS April 3 at 4:42pm
heyyy whats up? :D

NE: Texting my friend at the moment. Can't talk much today - I really to take care of several things.

MS April 3 at 4:45pm
Ohh okay, well what about tonight? Or does that not work good either? I have church until about 8.... but if tonight wont work just tell me!! :)

NE : Probably not... I am falling behind in schoolwork and I am having a hard time keeping up with everybody. Like today my scheduled was very conflicted and I did not even see everyone that I planned to. Mel I need a break - thisis wearing me out scheduling you in all the time. Can you just call whenever and see if I answer? All of my relationships are starting to overwhelm me at the moment. I need alone time. Even Jesus had to go to the mountain alone to pray. I know you cannot see all this from your end.

Sooooooo Is he abandoning me? or is he asking off time?

What would be the best approach to this, should I give in a few days - maybe a week then text him??? If he is telling me to go ahead and call whenever, then maybe he is indicating he still isnt abandoing me?

Hi supermedic,

I know it's tough to see this from a different perspective. I encourage you to work through this problem using the Five Steps - http://www.bpdrecovery.com/FiveSteps

Also, let me take this time to remind you of the Four Agreements -

DON'T MAKE ASSUMPTIONS

Find the courage to ask questions and to express what you really want. Communicate with others as clearly as you can to avoid misunderstandings, sadness and drama. With just this one agreement, you can completely transform your life.

Assumptions are what feed our ideas of perceived abandonment. No one truly knows what NE is feeling, except NE. You cannot think for him. What is clear he has communicated is that he needs time to be by himself. I saw a quote today on a forum, and I love it -

"Try backing off. It seems to be a well kept secret how many wonders occur and problems straighten out when we do nothing but leave someone alone."

hey supermedic
It's very clear to me that he needs time ALONE, away from you and other friends. You are on the verge of BEING DEMANDING. He has clearly stated his reason: he needs the energy and time to focus on his schoolwork.

The best thing you can do now is to give him the space that he needs. If you care about this friendship, that is.

supermedic

I know it feels like he is abandoning you but he isn't.... he even acknowledged that you wouldn't understand but he is communicating that he needs alone time. Respect that and be a friend for him right now... he is obviously feeling overwhelmed with his life... yes give him time... maybe tell him that you respect his need for time and that while it is difficult for you to understand you want to support him in anyway you can. Remember friendship is give and take...sounds like he needs you to give a little right now... not to take it personally...it is not about you... it is about HIM right now and He needs time...not from you but for HIM... he needs some space... it'll be ok... feel free to PM if you want to talk more.

Supermedic,

Are you still around? (Around BPDR, that is.) I have some thoughts about what your friend was trying to share with you. Just let me know if you're interested ... !