BPDRecovery.com: Forums

My name is Steve and for more than 35 years I have been suffering greatly. I never understood or understand any of my actions or
thoughts. I am impulsive, spending money recklessly, and I never care. I have lied (pathological) cheated and stole. I have never been
punished for any of my crimes, and so what? It is hard to really get help because of my constant need to lie and fabricate things. I guess
I am in a bad place now, because I want to reach out. I stumbled across 'bpd' and realized this could be the answer I was looking for. I am an
only child, and have been emotionally and physically abused by my parents. I recently became estranged, because I couldn't take the chaos
anymore. I can't handle myself. I am not capable of making sound decisions. For example, if you were to give me a stack of money and tell
me that it is the last of the money in the world and to be very careful with it, I would have it all spent in under 30 min. And I wouldn't care. I'd
act like I felt guilty, but only to shut you up. By then I'm already thinking of what else is interesting?
I could go on and on about how I feel and think and the destruction I have and will continue to cause, but we already know don't we?
I called my local mental health clinic. I was informed they would have a 'meeting' about me. Of course one of the first questions was how was
I going to 'pay'. Lets face it. I am destitute. I live with a wonderful long term gf and her 3 kids. I have broken them and made them broke. I think I
keep us broke, so they don't leave me. How she puts up with all this I don't know?
I'm really scared and worried that if and when I go to mental health, that if I am really honest, they will admit me. On the other hand I'm worried
that I won't be honest, and I'll be back to square one. I also am addicted to spice and alchohol. It helps 'numb' my feelings and thoughts
and keeps me level. It's not having smoke around that makes me highly agitated. I have stated I want to quit, to my gf, but as of now, I'm
feeling resentful that I don't get to do what I want to.
If anyone does read this, I really do wish for some advice/info.
I am confused, frustrated and want to be better...

Hi Steve-



Remember that you have choices - Typically, unless you are an imminent danger to yourself or others, you aren't committed against your will.

I understand what you mean about 'acting' through therapy. It can be really uncomfortable and some of us are so used to putting on one facade, that it seems only natural at times to keep rolling with it. Of course, you realize you would only be doing yourself a great disservice, so it very much needs to be a conscious effort to stay on top of those urges.

Regardless of what you're dealing with in terms of mental illness/psychological issues, this site is really awesome - There's a lot of great tools to utilize here that you'll see on the left, as well as a small but supportive community to bounce your progress off of, and TONS of threads to read through that could be really pertinent to particular situations you go through.

Looking forward to hearing more about you.

Welcome to BPDR, Steve!

The good news is that it's free to be part of the BPDR community so it won't cost anything to stick around and give/get support in finding new ways in looking at things. (You mentioned being broke.)

That said, I would suggest poking around the main site - click the HOME link in the upper right area to see a full list of the offerings. The TOOLS section (left-hand side) can be especially helpful. It's important to note that this process is NOT linear. You can't just pick up Tool A, master it and then move on to Tool B to master it next. They all work together and some are better in certain situations than others so you'll ultimately work with all of them regularly.