BPDRecovery.com: Forums

Hi- I am new to the forum. I did get the"putting The Pieces Together" signed book, and the Four Agreements book. I've been doing the homework - I have been journaling for about 12 years and have been in and out of counseling for about 25 years. For the first time in my life, about 2 months ago, I was given a real diagnosis - BPD - that actually seems to align with my life. Typical dysfunctional family - mom & dad verbally and physically abusive - they split when I was 7 - Raised by mom - grew up in apt with 2 older sisters - one being handicapped from birth and in wheelchair; the other sister being told by my mom from the time she was 3 that she was just like my dad (who was hated by my mom.) She has been a drug and alcohol abuser since a very young age and she has grown into a very angry, paranoid person who tends to be delusional and dangerous. I on the other hand was always told that "things just rolled off my back, and I was just happy-go-lucky." Well, not so! I actually just stuffed everything into a "backpack" that has been leaking for some time now. It has now just completely ripped apart. I was sexually, verbally, physically and emotionally abused throughout my life since a very young age. I turned to drugs, drinking, promiscuity and finally to God. I have been married to a man who has tolerated much from me--and he still sticks around. We have a beautiful set of 8 year old twin girls. My counselor has suggested that the reason my life has turned into crisis mode is that my girls are at the age I was when my life spiraled completely out of control. I am a helicopter mom as far as keeping them safe from predators and the dangers of the "world"--but I don't keep them safe from my own meltdowns when they don't "conform" to how I think they should. That anxiety of not being good enough includes not having "perfect children." I am on antidepressants but I am feeling an overwhelming amount of stress and rage. It finally reached a climax over the weekend (Happy Father's Day to my husband ) I had physically lunged at him because I just felt he was verbally attacking me and I scratched him--later in the night I called the police because he wouldn't stop arguing with me. They saw the scratches and saw I was hysterical and instead of just making him leave, they arrested me. InI spent that night and most of Father's Day in jail and Family Services was called by my neighbor because hse has heard us arguing and decided my children were in danger. I now not only feel like a piece of dirt - I am a criminal and my new name is "abuser" I am even more depressed and I just want to feel better. I guess I need to know how to get through all of this without totally going insane or destroying my family--the one thing that I just want to protect.

hey twinmom

you have a wonderful husband, he still sticks around right?
and you have two beautiful kids, one of the main motivations for you to get well.

what help are you currently seeking now? I gather you're seeing a therapist. How's it going? How about going for some dbt classes?

Thank you for your response Meremortal--No, I have not tried DBT. I just went under the resources and I will research that. My husband and I are both seeing counselors - the counselors are partners and he sees the male counselor and I am seeing the female partner on a weekly basis. My husband is tolerating much but I do have to add that he comes from pretty extreme dysfunction himself and I truly believe his mom is BPD. His counselor has indicated that our interaction tends to be toxic during conflict. A previous counselor we saw together also diagnosed him as narcissistic--his attitude tends to be "once she is "cured" everything will be fine." I am wondering if it might be better if we are better separated for all of our sake but when I mention that he "throws the Bible at me" saying that God put us together and separation is not God's answer. My feeling is God did not create our issue--he just wants to lead us to healing--whatever that takes! I have been told throughout counseling sessions currently and in the past that I hae great insight and I am able to see my issues clearly--it's just that there are times that I don't know or realize that they are "not quite "normal" thinking." I also fear being alone as far as financially because I know that I am seriously damaged as far as budgeting and spending goes. I comfort shop...and can get in trouble that way. I never had a problem being independent and leaving relationships when I had no children, but it is really scary now. I just want the lesser of all of the evils as far as scarring my children for life. Additionally, when the Child Services counselor spoke to my kids, they told her that mom is the easier disciplinarian and that dad scares them more than mom. They have also said to me often--"Daddy is always mad."
I have also made an appt to speak to a psychiatrist this Wed. - I have been on antidepressants for over 10 years now and they just don't seem to do much other than make me sleepy.

that approach to therapy seems very interesting. Do the therapists collaborate on you and your husband's issues, or is it kept separate?