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This is not a new name for me but it is a new username at BPDR. My username has been Denim Blue but now I would like to go by the name I am called in 3D - Dustie (short for Dustine). I feel as though my reasons for being here have changed since I first joined BPDR so many years ago and I would like to start a new post count since I haven't posted for awhile until my most recent update. My therapeutic goals have changed so I figured it was a good time to make a new start here as well.

Although I don't have BPD I have accepted the label in the past because I did not want to accept the diagnosis I am currently facing. I preferred to have mental health professionals label me as a bitch rather than a freak! I have been a "cutter" since I was in the fourth grade and began using SI prior to that so the BPD diagnosis was an automatic label for someone with my scar patterns in a psychiatric hospital setting, which is where I was given the BPD diagnosis (along with Major Depression and PTSD). During that time I was told that I was an alcoholic due to my excessive use of alcohol and an addict for using illegal drugs so my behavior was undoubtedly quite unstable back then. It was my suicide attempts and my being picked up unconscious while passed out drunk on my way home from the bar that typically landed me in the psychiatric unit at the hospital. I most certainly had violent mood swings and erratic behavior during detoxification so BPD was the logical conclusion. My foster mother has BPD so I did not see it as a bad thing to be at the age of 18. At the age of 16 I had been diagnosed with MPD (now called DID) and I did not take that diagnosis so well. I actually trashed the shrink's office when he told me and fortunately he refused to "treat" me as a result. My mother was convinced that he was right about my having MPD but I thought he was a quack because I did not believe him.

I have always known that it would be a mistake to talk to anyone in the mental health field because whatever I said would only be used against me so all I ever did was to admit to a history of child abuse and then refuse to talk about anything except discharge. This seems to have worked well until I started seeing someone outpatient after I had my youngest daughter (my doctor referred me to her for post partum depression) and she began bringing up my "fragmentation" and dissociation. During the intake interview I had told my therapist that I had BPD so I had been trying to complete DBT (unsuccessfully) at the time, thinking it would be helpful (which it was in some ways). My therapist was a pastor's daughter so she referred me to a church group for "deliverance" in case what I was experiencing was spiritual in origin and since then I have been going back and forth thinking the problem was spiritual and then psychological. I finally went to an inpatient program that specialized in dissociative disorders in order to rule out any psychological condition so I could focus on spiritual interventions since the group I met with insisted I get clearance from a mental health professional before they would work with me more long term. It was there I was told that I have DID.

I still did not want to believe that I could have MPD/DID so I did not have much success when it came to the whole "acceptance" thing. Then I was referred to a spiritual counselor by my pastor when I screamed in church during a prayer meeting (and somehow ended up on the floor under the pew). After a few meetings with this woman, she was convinced that I have DID. She had done some training with James Friesen, an author of several books on MPD, but I did not believe what she told me about "meeting alters" during deliverance. I told her that I could not accept that DID was real so I went to a psychologist with over 20 years of experience working with people who were affected by trauma in order to work with her on desensitizing my PTSD symptoms. In the meantime my older daughter thought what she was seeing was DID and apparently my husband also thought that was my problem. I asked my therapist if she would testify in court that I don't have DID if my husband brought it up during a separation or divorce proceeding and that is when she told me that she thought I have DID. I immediately terminated therapy with her so I could work with someone who did not know about the diagnosis. Within our first few meetings this new therapist indicated that she thought I have DID and her supervisor, who has recovered from DID herself, supported her conclusion.

Naturally my first instinct was to terminate therapy with this therapist and find someone else but I am afraid I will keep being told the same thing and I really like this therapist I am seeing now so I am trying to stick with it this time. She is not at all freaked out by it and she keeps assuring me that I am not a freak. I am having a hard time accepting her viewpoint but I am working on it. It seems other people are not nearly freaked out over it as I am so perhaps some of my fear has to do with how much I was freaked out by the whole Sybil thing when I was 16 years old. My mother gave me the book to read without telling me why and it was not until after I had read it that the shrink told me that I was like this Sybil person and my own mother told me that she thought he was right. It has taken me nearly a quarter of a century to consider the possibility that I have a dissociative disorder so I can get on with the "acceptance" thing and begin the treatment phase of therapy. Sometimes I think I am okay with it and other times I think I would rather suicide so I don't have to deal with it. I should not be so freaked out by something that seems to be highly treatable, and not the cancer of mental illness.

So, here I am while the road ahead is going a different direction than I want to go. I can keep beating through the bushes or follow my trail guide and see where this path takes me. I know what I have to do and it is not what I want to do. I could really use some encouragement, and perhaps some firm persuasion, to do what I know I need to do, and yet continue to resist doing with such determination. I am hoping I will find that support here because I have never felt supported anywhere else.

Dustie,

This is the most encouraging thing I've ever read that you've written. I can only imagine how difficult it has been for you to reach this place. I think I understand how daunting the road ahead looks to be for you. But I have experienced you here as a very determined person when you want to be. I hope you can apply that determination to treatment.

Peace,
jim

You truly find this to be the most encouraging thing I have written?! I was feeling somewhat defeated when I wrote it and yet hopeful at the same time. Maybe I have reached the point of surrender and that will be a good thing. I have certainly been called "determined" by people who have known me so I do believe that I have determination. It can sometimes be used in counterproductive ways, though, so I have to make sure I am headed in the right direction before becoming too determined to get there because turning back can be hard for me. I don't particularly like the direction I am headed in now but it looks like it is a road I will need to travel. If I had not resisted it for so long I would probably be where I need to get to by now but perhaps I am better prepared for this sort of journey at this later stage in my life. It has taken me a long time to get this far so hopefully I am nearly there.

It is precisely because you appear to be at the edge of surrender that I thought your post was encouraging. Surrender is where healing begins. jim

Dustie,

I agree with Jim. He and I have read your posts on here for a very long time, and you sound different. I've always admired you so very much, and I know you know that. I think you will be able to heal if you stick with your therapy. My new T doesn't believe in diagnoses: maybe if you just concentrate on healing and don't think too much about the diagnosis. You are NOT your diagnosis. No one is.

I am going to read BPDR more often, Dustie, so I can keep up with your progress and give you encouragement. You are SO worth doing this work!! Good luck!!

Thank you both! I am so grateful for the encouragement. I was not sure if I should start over with a new username but I am glad that I did. I do feel different somehow now that I have started with this new therapist. I think she is a good match for me and I am hopeful that she can help me. My challenge now is to accept her help. I believe that God has put us together for a purpose.



This is a quote from a couple of days ago, the day before I opened this new account, written by Normal Vincent Peale in a perpetual calendar titled "Positive Power for Daily Living":

"Many people repeatedly defeat themselves by insisting on handling all problems on their own. All of us do have a measure of personal power, but situations will come which we cannot handle without power from a higher source."

Here is the quote for today:

"An experience in which you don't make out too well can shake your confidence in yourself; and if you do not promptly make another try, a defeat psychologically can take hold and freeze you. So when you fall flat - pick yourself up fast and go right on to the next challenge."

Welcome on, Dustie!!!
You sound well and I'm very glad to "see" you again.

In some ways (to me), "surrender" is just that moment of acceptance when I realize that I cannot "win" the battle in the way I have been fighting it. It does not mean that I cannot succeed - it just marks the end of an unsuccessful campaign. My surrender frees me to try another approach, try another option as I let go of that which no longer works for me. There is success in my surrender because I move on to other plans - I can only be defeated if I stop trying altogether.

Best wishes of all kinds for you!

I know that not all surrender signifies defeat so the reminder that I have not lost the battle is helpful. Often a temporary surrender, or retreat, is a means of pulling back to reassess the situation and come up with a different battle plan. That is where I am at now. What I have tried in the past is not going to win the war so I am developing a new plan of attack. I don't know if this plan will work either but I am willing to give it a try.

Hey, Dustie -

Great new beginning for you!

I agree with the others -- you do sound different... and better.

I think you're surrendering your defiance, and allowing yourself to show a little vulnerability after decades of keeping walls firmly in place so you could stay safe. That level of defensiveness is entirely understandable, imo, given what you've been through, and it's very scary -- and hard -- to let go of it. But I do hear hope in your "voice" for the first time, as opposed to intellectualizations and rationalizations for why you are what/who you are. Keeping those walls up has to be exhausting -- I know it has been for me, and the difficulties I've faced in my life are miniscule compared to yours. It's taken me about 8 years with this one therapist to tear down my walls and get more comfortable without them. I know there are people who think it's insane to need to stay in therapy for this long, but I couldn't have done it quicker. I'm still not where I want to be, so I'm going to keep at it.

I so hope you'll be able to stick with this new therapist, and eventually you'll feel like a whole and integrated and healthy Dustie. I know it won't be easy, and it may be tempting to run again, but I hope you can hang in there with her. Perhaps the time is right now, and it just wasn't the other times. God's grace has led you to her, and it's a great opportunity. It would be so wonderful for you to feel more at peace, and enjoy your children now that they're getting older.

It's Easter. I think it's a fitting season for you to be re-incarnated as Dustie!

I met with my therapist yesterday. She apparently took a trip to Mexico so she has been gone on vacation while I was taking a break. We spent the time catching up on what has been going on since we last spoke so it was a casual meeting, which was helpful for me after having been away from therapy for awhile.

I have 20 visits on my insurance that will only last until mid July when my husband retires so we are going to go ahead and use them before I lose them. I won't be able to afford my meds once I lose insurance so I am starting to taper down now to see if I can stretch out my meds to get me through the entire summer. I also need to look into what sort of medication programs are offered through Medicare to see if I have the option of enrolling in some sort of drug plan to be able to stay on my meds if necessary.

Our home is in forclosure and due to be sold on July 2nd unless our loan modification application is approved. I have already accepted that we may have to move this summer but I have not figured out where to go. If I leave the area, I may not see my therapist after this summer so I feel a sense of urgency I did not have before. I have the next 3 months to find out where life is taking me so it will be good to have someone who can help me sort through my options. I hope God will be guiding me during this time as well.

I don't know how to best use my therapist because I haven't really done therapy in the years I have been in therapy. It has mainly been a time to check in and give the impression that I am doing fine rather than an occasion to talk about mental health issues. My therapist is an easy person to talk to but I have a hard time talking about certain things. I certainly don't want to bring up those things myself so I don't even know what to discuss or how to talk about personal stuff if it does come up. I suppose I need to ask my therapist if she has a plan because I don't have one of my own.