BPDRecovery.com: Forums

so here i am.

i was diagnosed over a year ago with bdp/bipolar and i've been in treatment (consistently) for the past 6 months or so. right now i'm on meds and seeing a therapist on a bi-weekly basis.

i'm 26 and have been with the same man for over 10 years (married for 2 1/2). i'm a high functioning bdp; i can manage money, career, etc. i've just always had a problem trying to communicate with people and really expressing myself. i have, what my husband and i like to jokingly call, "foot in mouth syndrome". i also have problems with flying off the handle and controlling my anger. along with the usual self doubt, insecurity and self loathing that accompanies bdp.

the source of my disorder is my mother, who i don't have a relationship with. she was/is a drunk my whole life and was extremely neglectful. i've seen a lot of things that i shouldn't have seen and done things that i shouldn't have done. and i hate her for bringing me into the world the way she did. she was also bpd...the "waif" and the "queen".

so i'm here now, with a new tdoc trying to get better so i can have children. my biggest fear is not being able to concieve a child and yet i fear that i will have a very difficult pregnancy and suffer extreme post pardom. but, having said that i also think that a child will be my salvation. a way to "right the wrong" so to speak.

i've been in rather good spirits the last few months thanks to treatment with my pdoc. my mood swings are almost non-existant and i've been happier. i'm just at a road block in the sense that i can't communicate with people. i want to be able to have that free flowing conversation about nothing but i can't right now and i've got these terrible expectations for the way i should be and am constantly dissapointed when i can't be the person i should be.

so that's where i am at...and who i am.

and just in case anyone is wondering i'm on abilify 15mg, adderall 20mg, xanax 2mg, and effexor 150mg (which i am trying - unsucessfully - to get off of).

Welcome Haleystar! Glad you've found us. Hope you'll plug in and participate; there's good support here. jim

Hi, haleystar ~

It's way commendable that you're motivated to be a better you before making those spontaneous promises that come with becoming a parent... promises it sounds like were broken during your childhood.

Exploring those self-imposed unreasonably demanding expectations is probably quite a project, but I'll bet participating on this board will offer insight and support like no other - the people and work that's done here are amazing.


~ jr

Welcome!

I have similiar problems with my family, it's very hard. I'm afraid to have children as well. Hopefully you will find some understanding here and good conversation with people who can relate to your situation.

Sending bright green light to you (visualize the light that has been sent washing over you). Green symbolizes fertility- the celebration of spring- all things being born. Go to your green light when you are ready to conceive your child and you will find your happy, healthy baby!