BPDRecovery.com: Forums

my name is Jen, i am 27 yrs old and i was diagnosed with bpd about 2 months ago. during that time i've had 2 suicide attempts and 1 hospitalization. i have been lying to my former friends about how i am, i've been pretending to be normal and they know me so little and they know so little about bpd that they are willing to buy into whatever i'm selling. that is why they are my former friends. i was in a relationship with one of my former friends, he didn't love me and he was honest about it. i was in love with him and i was honest about it. i asked him questions that i thought i knew the answers to: like was i attractive? - and all i got was negative reinforcement that i wasn't. he only wanted me for sex which i was willing to give him. and then i get into a huge argument with him because i was angry- i get so angry all the time and then i take it out on everybody or i'll be so angry at one person because i'll just keep it in and keep it in until i explode. i wasn't feeling well, and i knew it because therapy was making me feel all these emotions i had no idea what to deal with. i was in so much pain and he stopped talking to me for three days and i felt that i deserved it and that caused me more pain... and then he dropped me. he said that he was too close to me and that he wanted distance and that my problems were making his worse and that i never listened and he was tired of me being angry all the time. i begged him not to drop me because it felt like i was on a cliff and he was releasing my fingers one by one...

and then i fell. i overdosed on medication. didn't work. went to the hospital after that. by the way, that guy is one of my roommates. only one of them came to visit me in the hospital and it wasn't him. i came home and i had to deal with him again. the pain was so much worse because i could feel my pain, my confusion and then i could remember when he was dropping me how his pain felt to me. i tried to drown myself a week after i came home. didn't tell anyone.

i am in a bad place right now. this is just a little snippet. its like i have an open wound in my chest that isn't healing. i can feel the blood draining from me and the only thing i want to do is cut and sleep. thats it.

i pretend that i'm fine and they buy into it. it just makes me more sad and more angry but- it was their choice. i try and make plans in the future to give me a reason to continue but i don't know how successful its going to be. i'm taking my meds and next week i will probably start seeing my therapist again and going to dbt group. i'm tired of struggling and seeming to get nowhere- i'm tired of trying to communicate with people and getting nowhere... its like i'm on my own little world and nobody can reach me and i can't reach them.

Welcome, I hope you find some help here.

Hi, Jen ~
There is a collective strength here on this little message board. I think you'll be able to tap into it. Have you read some of the things listed under the Tools bar to the left? (My favorites are the Ten Forms of Twisted Thinking / Ten Ways to Untwist Your Thinking.)

see you 'round,
~ jr



p.s. Don't give that particular roommate too much power, hon'. It's *yours*, not his...