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Hi. I haven't been on here in a long time. Anyways, I have been having a really hard time lately. Feeling extremely depressed and sometimes suicidial. I have been feeling this way ever since I moved from my hometown to some crappy town and transferred to a different store (I work for a grocery store) and left all of my co-workers that I have known for about 5 years. This turned out to be more difficult on me than I thought it would be. I feel so alone and lonely at the new store and the old store is about an hour long drive away. At my old store I was very close to everyone and felt like apart of the group. If I was sad or anxious I could just tell my supervisor (who is like a father figure to me) that I needed a hug and he would give a big hug and ask me what was wrong. He always knew how to make me feel like everything was going to be okay. I felt like I had so much support at my old store and now at the new one I'm having a hard time finding that. I have been with the new one for about 3 months. There is at least one co-worker I click with and he is really cool and caring. But it doesn't feel like enough to make up for the old store. At my old store everyone was like family, I felt so comfortable there and felt seen (if that makes sense).

Anyways, getting to the point now I'm extremely depressed. My boyfriend doesn't seem to understand why those things are so important to me. But they were a large part of my support and now at the new store a lot of people are very unfriendly. People are mean to each other and don't work together as a team. There is obvious dislike amongst co-workers and it's a completely different vibe at the new store. I hate it. I do talk to my old co-workers once in a while, sometimes we will text each other and every so often I will drop in for a visit; and every time that I do I re-realized how much happier I was there and how much I miss it.

Me and the boyfriend have discussed moving back down there (to where I use to live) and that makes me have some hope because then I would live close enough to work back at my old store. But I don't know how realistic it is because we are stuck on a lease. But I feel like I'm at the end of my rope. I'm extremely tired all of the time, sleeping whenever I can, and when I'm awake I just feel like sobbing. I'm absolutely misrable and I don't know how I am going to get through this. I came here because in the past this place has helped me through some tough times. And now I need your help again. Thank you.

(((Julie))) You sound like you are in a lot of pain right now, and I wish I could be there to support you through this tough period in your life. Keep in mind that it's just that - a period - and will end soon, one way or another. There are a couple things I'm hearing that you might try addressing to help you feel better:
~Depression really really sucks (I know this!!!!), so you have to address that actively, not passively in order to get some relief from it. That's so so SO hard to do from the bottom of the pit, but if you take baby steps then it's movement towards alleviating your pain. Depression is the absence of that movement - don't let it drag you down! Even one little thing can give you mastery over it: getting up, getting dressed, going to work. Give yourself kudos for what you're doing despite feeling bad!
~I'm also hearing a lot of anxiety surrounding your new job. Your identity has been messed with (one of the BPD characteristics is an unstable sense of self), and it's really scary to be jerked away from your "image" identified with one work source, and to be reinstated as a totally different person at another. You're going to have to work on separating yourself from your self-image as a grocery store worker. What things ARE you that are not related to your job? What things do you like that aren't related to your job? Would your life end if you didn't have your job? Try to identify with things (maybe a god or a spirituality) that isn't related to your job and depend on it for your identity, or even better, depend on yourself for that identity. Draw pictures of yourself as you did as a kid, imagining yourself as an astronaut, a doctor, a lawyer, a bricklayer. Find a "safe place" in your mind, and go there. Actively make some friends at your new job. Be empathetic to their problems and disturbances - identify with their struggles. Be empathetic with your bf, and do something nice for him, just because.

These are just some ideas I have. I hope that you feel better soon Julie


~Merry

Merry,

Thank you for everything you said. Just having some support has helped, I appreciate that. I do feel as though my identity has been lost since I left my old store. I knew who I was and where I stood at my old store. I was confident there and had a lot of friends. At my new store I feel invisable and alone. I feel unsure of myself even though I have been doing this for about 5 years. I miss being missed, if that makes sense. If I missed a couple of days of work at my old store people would notice and would ask about it. But at my new store I don't think I'm noticed much at all. I guess I need attention but I think everyone does a little bit. And I need my friends and I'm not very good at making new ones. But I will try to connect with some new people and give people a chance. I have tried to be more empathetic towards my boyfriend and understanding how my moods might effect him, it has actually improved our relationship. Some days are okay and some days I still feel really down. But I just wanted to thank you for your support, kind words, and suggestions. Take care

Julie