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This is a continuation of a thread that started on another thread. It has to do (I believe) with me staying in the here-and-now and focusing on activities that promote this. I used to live mainly in the past and the future. I'm now involved in activities that help me stay in the present.

I'm not avoiding topics which I find difficult. I'm still in therapy and working on myself. But I find that I do best when I'm focused on today. This has been a big issue for me. It's not easy for me to do. Sometimes I have to take things minute-by-minute. I haven't brought this up with my T so I don't know how he feels about it. Any thoughts?

My one thought at the moment is that we should definitely live in the present, as opposed to the future. Being able to plan for the future is a very good thing. But that should be along with living fully in the here and now, not instead of it.

As for the past, deal with issues related to the past that come up, but don't dwell on the past. Live in the present.

That is what I'm trying to do Ellen. Of course my H and I are preparing for the future - putting money away, etc. We're even flying out to New Mexico in a few weeks to visit - and maybe we might retire out there one day if we really like it. But I'm tired of putting things on hold and saying "we'll do this when this happens" or stuff like that. I want to live in the "now"!

As for the past, I discuss it with my T but not too much. He is more interested in helping me live healthily now. So he likes to work on how I'm doing today. We do talk about my past, but he's not one to dwell on it. He wants me to learn how to make things better today.

I try to do things for myself. I am involved with things that I'm interested in. Some of it my H does with me, others he doesn't. I do have a life of my own, as well as our life together.

It's been very difficult for me to learn how to live in the here-and-now. When my H was in the Navy, I was always projecting into the future. We never knew where we were going to live next. I never stayed in one place more than 4 years. Now we're settled down - we've been in Indiana almost 13 years. That's the longest I've lived anywhere since I've been married. So now things are easier for me. I truly think I'm on the right track. At least I hope so.

i also, live in the present. i explore the past to see why i react how i do and to change it. i pray for the future and try to make it the best i can, but mostly i live NOW. today. make it the best i can, learn what i can. if not , i get overwhelmed very easily and hopeless very fast.

i agree with both of you.

BG, I think it just depends on what the person needs- it depends on where they are in their growth.

I had never thought long-term before, so it was important for me to do it, to set goals and then achieve something so I could create self-confidence and belief in myself. For you, it may be a now situation.

Hi BG. I just did a post and it didn't go through :O(

Oh well. I gues I was just saying that I used to live in the future in my head. I was always anticipating my next move and everything. It was exhausting.

I am learning to live in the present now and it is so much better! Me and my T don't usually hit the past stuff unless it affects me in the present. Like if something happens in my 'today life' but it upsets me or triggers me, we explore the how's and why's of it. that's how we work on past issues.

but I say that if you are feeling healthy, do whatever works for you! :O)


congrats on doing a good job! I think that planning for your future like retirement is smart! I don't do planning like that. I tend to act kind of manic with my planning and don't stop. Like with my wedding, I got such a high from the planning and stuff that that's all I did for 5 months. If I want to go on a trip, I do all this crazy idea planning and everything and it gets too overwhelming for me. but my abilify has helped slow me down so that I can live in the moment! i am able to understand the DBT stuff of wise mind and being in the moment a lot easier now.


(((Bordergirl)))

Roo

To clarify, I do PLAN for the future. But I don't LIVE in the future anymore. There's a difference. Planning for the future is setting money aside for retirement. Fixing your house up so it will have re-sale value. Things like that. But living in the future means I never lived in the present. I was always projecting. That's not good. So to me, there is a difference between Planning and Living.

Learning to live in the here-and-now has been a big issue for me for a long time. It's what I need to focus on. I do not have a career anymore. I am not working anymore. So I do things now that make me feel good and that help other people. They are also things I can do in the future. Every day is a surprise for me.

as roo said, it is exhausting to live in the future. i used to do that and will still catch myself doing it.

there is a huge diff in planning, and actually trying to live in the what ifs.

I was always WAITING for something. Like, WHEN we buy our own house, or WHEN my son graduates from high school. That's no good. I was never present and didn't enjoy the present. Not good. Now I don't project as much and try to live day-to-day.

i totally understand and agree i was too busy trying to control the future to enjoy today.

BG, sorry to dredge this back up after a couple of weeks.

I see you talking here about the future / present but very few references to the past. From my perspective, it seems as though you might be having trouble living in the moment because each moment seems to take you straight to the past, do not pass Go, do not collect $200.

"I feel invalidated by my husband because what he said was just like when I was a kid ..."

"I get so angry with my sister because of when we were kids ..."

"I was mad at my group session because H reminded me of ..."

I haven't gone through any specific posts - this is more of a general impression I have.

It would be very difficult to live in the present when everything in the present immediately catapulted you directly to the past. I can't even imagine how torturous it must have been trying to live in the future while enduring the present, being thrust into the past. How utterly exhausting!

Yes Ash, when I think of it, it was a roller-coaster ride. Part of it had to do with my H being in the military. We never stayed in one place for very long, so I was always focusing on where we were going next. And then eventually focusing on his retirement from the military. My only tie with the present was raising my son. That was focused on the present, but it had to do with him, not with me.

This whole invalidation thing HAS catapulted me back to the past. Thinking about the things that have happened, situations where people didn't treat me as I would have wished. And also, we just had a death in the family and that brought be back to the past too.

I find that I do best when living in the present. It's what I've been trying to do. I try to focus on daily living. But then something will happen, as in the incidents with my H while on vacation, and that made me think of the past again.

Finally having a house that I love and care about, friends that I enjoy and activities that I participate in, helps me stay in the present. It's something I have to continually work on.