BPDRecovery.com: Forums

Hey y'all!
I'm new here, and relatively new to recovery. I began therapy after being diagnosed with BPD about 8 months ago. At first there was a huge relief in finally knowing what no one had been able to pinpoint for most of my life (the root of the problems). After a very positive first few months in therapy, I am finding myself kind of despairing.
It seems that the list of things to change is never-ending. The struggle against negative coping is immense. I feel as if I am not changing any of my desires or ways of thinking, but just the actions I take. I am frusterated and overwhelmed. The positive outlook I had in the beginning is fading, and being replaced with the weight of expectations and criticisms. I feel like I don't know who I am anymore, that I have become only BPD and all of its negativities. I don't know myself anymore, I feel lost in something that I am trying to become because people do not approve of me the way that I am.

I know that recovery can be about positive changes, healthy coping and a happier life. I'm just not sure how to get myself there....

Hi jillybeans, and welcome. This site offers tools for recovery -- check the Tools box on the left. They're a good place to start on your journey. jim

Hi jillybeans. I can understand your frustration. It's like we go to the doctor, he tells us what's wrong, and we expect to be "fixed" automatically. But recovery takes time. It's not an overnight thing. We will take one step forward, two steps backward, then go forward again. I had to learn a whole new way of coping. But it can be done. We just have to have some patience.

As Jim suggested, check out the Tools on the left side of the page. They can help you break down how you're feeling and give you some coping skills. I also suggest you discuss your frustrations and fears with your T. He/she could be a great cheerleader for you - helping you to articulate how you feel.

Just remember, you didn't come down with BPD in one day - these behaviors took many years to develop - so they won't go away overnight. But with patience and guidance, you can overcome many of the negative thought and behaviors!

When making changes in our behavior, it is important to recognize what we are doing wrong and to work on doing things in a more appropriate manner, while at the same time avoiding the "shame" trap. I think this is why the concept of forgiveness is so important. What is hardest is to forgive ourselves for having mental issues in the first place because sometimes being "mental" can be so overwhelming that we think there is no way to overcome our past and we might as well end our lives before we mess up much more in the future. With any new skill we are learning, we often master it in hindsight before we can apply it in the moment. At first the thoughts follow the more reactive behaviors but in time and with practice we can think and then respond.

There is something in DBT that has to do with acting "as if" and I think it is something I already used quite a lot personally before I learned it as a DBT skill. I am not very good in social situations so I would rather be serving people than to be in situations where I am expected to interact socially with others. What has always surprised me is that people find me "outgoing" when I don't consider myself an "outgoing" person socially. I was always the kid in the corner who other kids asked to play with them because they thought I needed friends and I would respond with "go away" instead of welcoming their attempts to include me. I suppose somewhere along the way of growing up I was able to observe and learn more appropriate social behaviors so that I can enter a social situation "as if" I had the social skills I need to function well in that setting. What I have found is that as long as I believe that I will be okay in a particular situation, I seem to find the skills I need to get through it well enough.

Sometimes the most effective thing to do in any situation where you feel unsure of yourself is to smile. In DBT there is the "half smile" exercise which I initially thought was stupid but after practicing it I found that it is something I use a lot. My therapist even suggested I pair the "half smile" with thoughts that would allow the smile to be genuine because I found it too "fake" at first to smile when I did not "feel" like smiling. What I can do now is to see someone acting in a completely idiotic manner and I can smile at them while thinking something like "it must suck to be you" (this was my therapist's suggestion of words since it is what she uses).

Hey jillybeans. I have to say untangling who you are and who you are not is one challenging part of therapy.
Considering BPD persons sometimes lack a solid identity, always being who we need to be at the moment. It's something I have done all my life and poof people think I'm someone I'm not.

Anyway through the maze you do find your way again. I still cringe when I realize people don't/won't like me for who I am, really who I am. Then i stop and say well they're the ones who want me to be me though. Dang hypocrites! and I be me. Minding my behaviours that are truly negative and trying to make good habits come forth etc. Like with my new manager, I could easily just blow up at him for not knowing the right thing to do but instead I politely kid with him how easy it is to realize what the right thing to do is. I'm still being me and telling him off, but doing it in a way that is not confrontational.
Evilly I have had fun figuring out who I am. It's almost like getting to build yourself after you've seen the different models available. and I can still be who someone else needs me to be in the moment using an as if attitude, like DB mentioned, but now I don't lose me when the moment is over.

BG said it pretty well, time it takes time. You'll get there, just have to give it time. Patience is good for stuff like this but if you don't have it then stubbornness is good too. Too darn stubborn to give up.