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This is a break off of the "Live in Imagination" thread, made me think about this from a different angle. I know much of the discussion was focused on not defining one's self based on the past, but isn't there there also a healthy piece of recognizing how the past has effected who you are today?

On the adoption board I visit there was a recent discussion on whether or not being an adoptee defines who you are. Some were adamently opposed to the idea, others firmly believed in it. Personally, I feel like who I have become is based, in part, because I am adopted. I also believe who I am, in part, is based on my having a mental illness. I would not be who I was today if these aspects of my experience had not occured. I don't use this as a way to excuse my behavior, but I do use it as a way to help understand myself--and through this recognition I have also been able to help others understand those who may experience similar issues.

I like the quote on the home page, "We are not responsible for how we came to be who we are as adults, but as adults we are responsible for whom we have becoe and for everything we say and do". My past experiences have led to my becoming the adult I am now, but as the adult I am now I am responsible for my actions even when they may be based on my past experiences (such as the fear of abandonment that comes from the separations in my childhood).

PS I'm intentionally ignoring mispellings, my therapist thinks I'm too obsessive in this area! Have mercy. ;-)

Yes, I would definitely agree that our past shapes who we are today. Being adopted is one aspect of your past, and your present too, so that would shape who you are.

I am reading a really interesting book right now called "Identical Strangers" by Paula Bernstein and Elyse Schein. They are identical twins who were separated at birth. They found each other when they were 35 years old. They didn't know they each had a twin sister! The adoption agency bak in 1968 decided that multiples would be better off separated. They found each other in 2005.

The book delves into nature vs. nurture. Paula and Elyse are perfect "subjects" for this topic. In the book, they explore what their lives might have been like had they not been separated and if they had been raised together. They observe the differences in themselves and the similarities. And the issue of how their past influenced their present-day lives is a explored.

We cannot change our past. But we can learn from it. We can learn to change behaviors that did not serve us well. In the case of being adopted, of course you admit that is a part of who you are. You cannot deny that. I am a twin. I cannot change that either. It is part of who I am. All of our experiences shape our lives. But these things are not totally who we are. There are other aspects of our lives other than being adopted or being a twin. We are not one-dimensional.

lol, im very obsessive about spelling. usually only my own tho. others doesnt bother me, well, not too much anyways.

our past shapes us. indeed. but to add another part, every trait and behavior has a good side and a bad side. so while we are who we are, we can choose and pick to make those positive. and used in positive ways.

(re spelling, im backspacing because its hard to type while one shakes!)

why am i on the edge of a full blown panic attack???? crap.

ANYWAYS.

this is how i see it.

Harindy, the quote from the home page is the Existential Paradox from Dr. Joseph Santoro of The Angry Heart Clinic in upstate New York & author of the book "The Angry Heart." It's quite a powerful thought & concept, isn't it? I absolutely love it.

As someone who was adopted myself, I don't think I ever really allowed the adoption to play much of a factor. I didn't use it as an excuse or a sheild. It was just something that was. I think it certainly played a role in my abandonment issues to be certain but once those things were there, it was up to me to deal with them - or ignore them or use them as an excuse sheild - "It's not my fault, I have BPD cuz of my abandonment issues cuz I was adopted." (I don't think I ever really did that but I know many people who have. It's really convenient to point the finger outward instead of inward.)

The past does exist and trying to pretend it does not isn't healthy, IMO. It's a form of denial and repression. I see the value in saying "Gee, these horrible things happened back then but this is now and I don't have to live as if I'm still the frightened child at someone else's mercy." I don't see the value in saying "None of that happened, I am not that person, I can reinvent myself as someone who didn't have those things to deal with" because I think we're setting ourselves up for spectacular failure. If we don't deal with the past and lay things to rest and move into the present (looking toward the future) with a solid understanding of the past, we really are doomed to repeat it.