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Hi

I have been having flashbacks of my dad molesting me. I could only have been 4 years old because he died shortly after. The memories come and go, sometimes I remember great detail, sometimes not. I have been quite ill since discussing this with my T and it has changed my whole outlook on who I am. Maybe I am in denial, maybe not, but how do i know this isnt a false memory? Could i have just made this up through distorted memories? I am totally confused about it all as I have idolised this man my who life even though I never really knew him and now I am not sure. I keep telling myself that I have either imagined it or it was because he needed comfort as he was dying or he was drugged up on medicine. Are these excuses, how do i know whats what...its making me feel really ill.

Thanks
jess

I have had a ten-ton of repressed memories come back to me in the last 4 years. Some of them I believe are true, some false. Over time, mine became more clear, and more details became evident. At that point, I saw a little more clearly which ones were closer to true. But I don't think I will ever really KNOW if they happened, I just think they did.

i also have this issue, jess. i would suggest a good T to help you as this can be quite overwhelming for many people and harmful without proper guidance. they can help you with whats real, what isnt, and guide you thru this. it really is pretty dangerous, my T told me, to work thru this on your own alone.

My oldest daughter, an LCSW counselor at the time, went through a period of what her T was calling repressed memory syndrome. At the time is was very popular in therapy circles. This situation involved a claimed memory of incestuous behavior on my part. Apparently there was no particular event, but a shadow of some kind of memory involving someone... and we still don't know what or who.

She shared it with her sisters. She shared it with her mother. A year later, as we were preparing to gather in advance of her scheduled surgery to remove a brain tumor, she shared it with me.

I'm not sure what she believes now, but any involvement by me in the alleged "memory" is utterly and totally false. In my view, the T hung labels on unrelated behavior based on my daughter's very brief description of our "normal" home life. She then put together a formula about such unrelated behavior that went something like.. "well, if a person does A, B, and C, and they don't do D, E, and F.. (none of which has anything to do with incestuous behavior) then the possibility of incest is greatly magnified." The treatment severely damaged the relationships I've had with everyone in my family. To think that any of these women could entertain the thought of a possibility like that for even a second is one of the most horrifying possibilities I've ever imagined. I'm certain it was also far worse for my daughters and XW than anything they'd ever encountered till then.

Still, in other cases, it could well be true. Just please be careful about how you work it. Even though the memory of the man you're dealing with is just a memory now, self inflicted damage is still possible. Please be careful.

I read something recently that said there's no such thing as repressed memories. That memory doesn't work that way.

However, it didn't recognize dissociation. With dissociation, it's not really repressing the memory, but cutting off the part of the self that remembers.

I'm thinking, if there are signs of dissociation, then it's more likely to be a true memory.

one thing we all need to remember. memories are formed with the perception AT THE TIME the person had and the age stage they were. .

if its a small child, the memory will be in a small child mode. things will look diff. feel diff.

adult, it will be in a adult mode. it also could be changed because anything very traumatic will be remembered diff than it was, at times.

ie...i found my mom when she died. once her body was removed, and such, i went back to the room. there was no way my mind could figure out how she was laying where she had been. it seemed too small. however, she had been. i still cant figure it out.

i also recently went back to the old house i grew up in, my grandmothers place also, and the trees seem to much bigger. the yard smaller. the distance i used to walk was so small compared to how i recall it. but i recall it as a 3 yr old. i SEE it as a adult now.

i do not think true memories will be recalled without these keys, the age they were formed at. such as,,,,a 3 yr old wont recall sex. a 3 yr old doesnt know what sex is. they will recall this happening, or that but not a thought of "my dad is having sex with me!" type stuff. 3 yr olds dont have that concept yet.

do you see what i mean? how you recall these things can be a key to how real it is.

Hi,

Thank you for your comments. The memories I have are pretty clear at times but then seem to go in and out of focus. I have had an idea of something else happening to me when I was little for a while now, then it just suddenly appeared in full. One day I am convinced it never happened, the next I am convinced it did.

I have always blocked out memories and at times things just pop into my mind...like a flashback. With regards to memories of my dad the scariest things are the feelings of being frightened and unsure of what was happening and thats the bit that makes me sad. I have read lots about repressed memories and whether they exist or not but I am also not sure if what I am feeling/ remembering or something else? I think the memory was always there but I have alway denied it. Now I have a new T and I am a bit more in control of my life, it has appeared...not sure if this has anything to do with it?

Thanks
Jess

you have to realize that your memories are a childs. things that scare a child to death may not scare a adult at all. so who knows? this is why it must be delved into carefully and slowly with a good T.

children dont think the way adults do. they dont see the world as adults see it. ( yes, i have read this and it makes sense to me ) so when we deal with childhood issues, we have to keep in mind we feel them , see them, as a child did.

it is said, also from authors and my T, that things surface when we are ready to handle them. to cope, if you will. most of mine are still blank. just feelings, no pictures with them. this is why my T thought they were real, as they were pieces and feelings, not a full fledged memory.

Could be, jess. All of mine came back once I was in a safe situation. Some of mine I believe were implanted as well.

Here's a really good article to consider.

http://www.ipce.info/library_3/files/lo ... lanted.htm

Hi

Thanks again to you all for helping me. Thing is, no one has ever suggested sexual abuse in any therapy sessions or in any other aspect of my life, so if it isn't true, where the hell has it come form? Why would it just form in my head if thats the last the last thing I would ever want and it has never been suggested to me or anything? I dont really understand, to me it seems it happened and lots of things now add up and for once, the puzzle fits. I think am just scared to accept it and see it is fact so I am hoping it is a false memory..... on the other hand maybe it is.

Thanks, much appreciate your views
Jess

Hiya Jess,

As an adult I remembered (narrative memory) every abusive thing that happened to me as a child. I had just learned how to physically & emotionally disconnect from the stuff (dissociation) in order for it not to be troublesome to me. Dissociation can occur on different levels: One can block out the actual mental remembering part of a memory, the emotional content, the physical content, the visual content; and I'm sure there are others ways. A traumatic memory is considered re-processed when ALL components can be integrated into one memory.

So, when out of the blue a couple of years ago, I suddenly found myself in the midst of a flashback (not really sure what to call it), I had something come up that I had previously never remembered. How could I have repressed this, when I remembered everything else? I was a lot younger (only 5) and although it felt real on a physical and emotional level, I wanted to disbelieve it because I hadn't ALWAYS remembered it. The T I work with basically helped me to understand that "Whether it is real or not, isn't really all that important." What's important is, if that memory is causing you distress in the present and is affecting how you live today, then re-processing it (whether real or not) can be helpful. The point is: It's not like I was going to press charges, or accuse anybody of anything. What was processed in therapy, stays in therapy.

I would encourage you to NOT work through traumatic material like that alone and to work on this with your T. It's understandable that you will go periods of believing and then disbelieving. Is your T trained to do EMDR? It is a quick, efficient way of dealing with memories, at all levels.

All the best to you.

Excellent post, Amanda. Thanks for posting. I think what is distressing is what's important to work through. Keying on what will move us ahead. The reality or not isn't meaningful to us, in a lot of situations.

I don't reprocess mine, bc I 'fear' a re-integration of the repressed and/or disassociated 'memory'.

Thus, I am left with vague 'feelings' and sometimes, sheer terror. Also disturbing dreams, but usually not involving the 'feared' i.e. 'worst case basis' topic(s).

Do you believe you can, at this point, choose whether or not to investigate the issue more, Jess?

I don't know if a true 'choice' exists. It might be a question of how high of a price we are willing to pay, (emotionally/mentally/physically) to not have to know.

Re: Some memories = I think it's worth it to know. E.g. My Mom came home from the hosp. after a suicide attempt and told me, (I was six), that she wished she had died after seeing the condition the house was in [demonstrating, in her view and once again, my lack of love for her, etc.].

Only a couple of years ago, my brother, who was 4 = almost 5 at the time, revealed that my Dad had been standing in back of me when she said that and that it was my Dad, not me, that she was speaking to.

Knowing that earlier would have saved me 30 years of that particular memory-remnant torment anyway. Sigh.

My brother's view is that the molestation I vaguely recall is just a "phantasm of my mind that I dreamed up." I want to believe this, but I can't really. It's still not worth it to look at it further unless the pain of not doing it gets worse.

I guess I've lost where I'm going with this, Jess. This often happens. LOL. Welcome to BPDR btw! :-)

Best regards,

Candle

Hi

Thanks for your kind and helpfull replies. I have been thinking lots about this and I feel it is important for me that I face this. For the first time in my life I am beginning to see the full picture and feel more relieved that finally I can go foward....... now I know what has been tormenting me. I think at first I just didnt want to believe the memory, deep down i knew it was true.

I guess it has been important for me to remember because although I had a rough time at home growing up, I knew there was something else. I have found it, and although I dont like it, my demons dont seem to be as bad. The fear of wondering what it was that was causing me so much pain was probably worse than the actual event.

If it hadn't been for you all taking the time to reply to my problem I would probably still be toying with this so thank you all very much.

Cheers
jess

I think in situations where you are unsure if what comes to you in the form of a memory is real or imagined, it is best to get some verification. Since your father is gone, you won't be able to talk to him but there may be other people who could tell you if it seems reasonable for you to accuse your father of molesting you or if it was possibly someone else. In my own life, my father was open about what he was doing because he thought it was the right way to raise children ("sex by eight or it's too late") so I have very clear recollections of him defending his parental rights to me. I have talked to my sister for a "reality check" and there have been numerous reports made to DSHS by teachers but I have not been able to bring myself to talk to my mother because I don't want to hurt her if she does not know and I don't want to hurt myself if she did know and gave her consent by allowing it to happen the way she did with the physical abuse. I have no doubt that the incest happened since I have memories I would rather not think about and have even tried to convince myself were not real (I have a way of discounting reality even in the moment!) but I don't have to let the past destroy me.

Statistics indicate that 1 in 4 woman are sexually abused during childhood so it would not be "uncommon" for it to be part of your life experience, rather it would be more "normal" if it had happened to you too. I try to keep things in perspective this way because it helps me to "normalize" my own experiences. If you can accept that it is likely that it happened and "get over it" without prolonging the mental agony, you will be healthier in the long run. However if you allow it to cast you into a "victim role" and perpetuate a "victim mentality" then it could take you many years to "let go" and "move on" with your life. I prefer not to let my childhood experiences ruin my life now because I already lived with them once and I don't need to relive them all over as an adult in order to "process my feelings" about what happened. I prefer to focus my energy on raising my own children free of abuse so they can have a better life.

Some people may strongly disagree with me on this so you will have to decide for yourself.

She hasn't given any indication that she wants to accuse her father of anything. She seems to have brought this up in relations to her own working out of her stuff.

Maybe you can suggest a better word in place of "accuse" since that may be a more "loaded" word than I wanted to use there. Would "suspect" be a better word choice?

Well, I wouldn't say that at all, with any word there. It's about what it's reasonable for her to believe that she experienced. The focus on herself, not on her father.

I would not suggest she look at it in a way that disconnects herself from what she experienced.

boy, how many times does this one come and bite us in the ass.

jess -

i am glad to see you proceed with some caution; and, i am glad you are taking the input and chosing your own path here. memories can be tricky since they do come in bits and pieces. i was floored when my first t stated that 'i must have been abused; just look at your history/family'... . there was not one memory or partial memory i provided him, or better yet, flashback.. what i related was my perception of growing up and never did it come close to abuse; yet, that is how HE chose to interpret it. I think it is one thing for the client to- they will then have to work out if it is indeed a truth or not- and usually there will be plenty of proof/references to substainate it - which is quite different than having ones T make that choice for them/put that thought in their head.

either way, i do believe there is need to re-visit the situation with adult frame of reference-as there really is a difference in perceptions and beliefs (what one believes and instructed to believe). to not go back, imo, only perpetuates the disowing of experiences and does not provide a true sense of what obstacles one is facing in their daily life.

i wish you well and hope you find peace as you travel this road.