BPDRecovery.com: Forums

Can I just say that the mental health in this country pretty much blows. I called the 1 800 suicide, and local chapter 8 motherfuckng times tonight ...no joke I"m not suicidal ... I juust wanted to talk to an actual human being ... but no ... youget rerouted, put on hold and what have you. I am so angry right now, I'm angry at myself because I punched my mirror and it broke into shards. And I took one of those shards and cut. I just wanted to talk to a real person. I don't even know what happened tonight. It's been since last August ... I was doing so well ... with the cutting thing. Up until now. I just wanted to TALK to someone.... let it all out before I got even more self destructive


What the fuck is wrong with me? I finally pretty much have everythng I wanted .... I'm in graduate school ... it'sa been a moment since I cut ... I went to a music concert that I love, WTF? I don't understand why I feel this ridiculously bad right now. I don't understand why I can't stop crying. I do love my life, overall, but obviously there are stressors I'm not addressing, because I cut. And I"m going to have another motherf'n scar. And I'm pretty much just PISSED right now. Sorry. The hotline thing obviously wasn't working. So I came here ...

pip,

So glad you came here....had you tried coming here when these feelings first emerged? Is there any one you feel close to in your life you could talk to? Are you feeling any better now?

Before I got control of the BPD, I would cut not only when things were NOT going well, BUT, also when things WERE going well. I know this doesn't make sense, and most people will not understand it. Now, I realize I did the self-destructive things because I felt I didn't deserve to have good things happen to me....only other people who weren't so screwed up inside deserved the good things. Now, I know I also do. Even though the hotline turned out to be a very unsatisfactory source of solace for you, perhaps in the future you could do some self-soothing things. Go out for a walk, take a warm bath, exercise vigorously in your home with situps, etc. Anything to momentarily take your mind off your immediate inner turmoil. We've got to find ways to "heal" ourselves at least for the moment. I remember a time when I was so desperate for help, I actually went to a church nearby. For me, believe me, this was desperate, ha,ha. People were so nice and accepting that I went home and felt enough better that I was able to get control of my emotions.


Anyway, pip, I hope you feel better soon.

Dagwood

Pip,

I am so sorry for your cutting habits. I know its hard! I am not going to sugarcoat it and say it's not. It is hard to control that uncontrolled sad feeling. When I get to that point, I tend to ask and ask and ask why I feel the way that I do but I just can't explain it. I cry. Crying is my escape. I cry and ball up in a corner holding myself tight in one place. By doing so, I don't cut or hurt myself. Just cry and groan, sob, and even yell if you need to but stay put in that corner in a fetal position holding yourself tight. Sometimes it takes me hours, up to maybe 6 to 8 hours to stop crying but I cry until I can't anymore and most times fall asleep. Once I wake up, I feel better. If this doesn't work for you then go out. Run at the park, do something but try to stop cutting

pip


so how are you doing now?