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Ah, the holiday season, that special time of year where there's nothing to do but face the smoking ruin that is my life. Physically, I feel rough because I quit my cushy office job and went to work 12-hour shifts in a factory for slightly less pay...cause I'm a genius. I'm jumping through crazy hoops trying to get back into the school I flunked out of three times...cause I'm a genius. It was Christmas 5 years ago when my father cut off contact with me, and this year my mother and I are incommunicado. Feliz navidad, yo.

What's a great solution for depression? A few nights with an abusive ex, of course. You guessed it...I'm a genius. I'm very disappointed in myself. I'm ashamed that I had the gall to cry after he told me that my children and I didn't matter and went to another woman's house. I'm not sure if I do it because I hate myself, or if I hate myself because I do it.

I've been trying to clean my house for a month. lol. I got the dishes done. It's been at the level of "If maintenance comes to change the air filter, I'll be evicted" since mid-November. Lol whenever the Walking Dead mid-season finale was, I had (non-toxic) company over and I was human and the house was clean and everything was sunshine and lollipops. Then something minor and stupid happens, and I just fall apart.

Sounds to me as though you are trying to punish yourself ----- for what I don't know----- by making your life more difficult. Leaving a "cushy office job" for something more physically demanding doesn't make sense to me unless you feel you don't deserve the good job.

hmm not sure either. I do have some very self-defeating tendencies, maybe it's just more of that.