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I know that some can relate to this. I have been so scared of losing my T because I only seem to frustrate him. but I had asked Wondering if I could share the poem with my T and she said yes. My T thought it was very appropriate for our session yesterday. I cried because i could relate and it was as if I had thought those words myself. My T just lost one of his closest friends to an illness this week. It is hard on clients to walk in the building and know that the other T is not there anymore. So this week has been about different losses and my fear of getting better means that I won't have my T anymore. But my T and I worked out some different words and he said that I have so many issues left to work out, that I am not even ready to go to fewer sessions a week. I did feel better because I felt like he was putting me in a place of trying to be perfect and thought he was just gonna send me out the door. Nope. guess that was my misinterpreting again.

I cried my whole session but my T and I reconnected I think and he understands what my defenses have been lately with him. Its not that I am scared to get better. I am scared to not have him part of my life and when I feel that therapy relationship being threatened, I freak out big time.

so my T has agreed to use some different words so that it doesn't sound like we are talking about ending therapy. He just doesn't want to see me in therapy forever and he wants to know in his heart that he helped me to get better and have a family etc. he said that no matter what happens, he will always 'be with me' because of what he has taught me. just like his friend is always going to be with him. The loss of his friend, also brought up the loss of my grandfather who was just my best bud and he was a father figure to us grandkids too. so whenever someone experiences a death, I am very sad for them but it brings up a lot for me too. it is overwhelming to me.

I have been working with my T for 5 years now. prior to that I had to say good bye to 2 others and an intern. the one that hit me hardest of all was with P. She was so awesome. but I was pretty sick mentally and one day I took an over dose right in front of her. well less than 2 months later, she took a leave and I was never allowed to see her again. but on our last day together, we did 'time capsules'. she made this creative container thing for her stuff and so did I. she put a lot of time and effort into it. she put all the little things I had made for her office in there, all the notes, and cards and stuff. she made me a box with 'accepting dust' in it :O) and there are all kinds of affirmations in it that she wrote for me. we shared lots of laughs and tears that day but I still have my time capsule of our work together. I think some therapists are more open to things like this but it was pretty helpful. now when I think about her, I can go to my time capsule but i also can see how working with this T has helped me even more. I have not had an OD in 2 years and 3 months!

I'm not sure why/how all this started coming out for me but maybe this will be a helpful/hopeful post for someone else. but now I feel un blocked and can keep working in therapy. now that I know I don't have to worry about ending my sessions, i feel like i can be me again and not be perfect which only spins me out of control more.

Roo

Roo, I can so totally relate to your post. I am scared to death of losing my T! He says I won't have to leave therapy until I'm ready. He reassures me that I'll continue with him. But I'm like you - it's not that I don't want to get better - it's more that I don't want to lose him, to stop seeing him. Whenever I think about it I freak out. I like to buy him gifts and give him things because it makes me feel that I'm there with him. Last night I went out with my son and we walked into some shops. I saw some stuff and thought "I want to buy this for my T. I want to buy a LOT of things for my T!" I so don't want him to forget me! I know it's not right, but that's how I feel. I want to buy him so much stuff.

He does reassure me though. That does help. Sometimes I call his voicemail just to hear his voice. That also reassures me and makes me feel better sometimes.

This T truly helps me. And he truly understands me. So that's why I'm so attached to him. I would imagine that's why you're attached to your T - because he helps you so much and understands you. It's a good feeling. And my T is also not judgmental which is good. And he validates me. I'm very sensitive to validation stuff.

I'm glad you worked things out with him. Now you can work on your issues and not let the worry about leaving therapy get in the way!

Thanks Bordergirl! Yes, I think I can move on now and start doing therapy work. We can hopefully stop behavior management stuff and do real therapy.

sometimes I make little things for my T's office. He likes to hang up paintings or art work etc from clients. He liked the little piece of work I did this past week. he also liked the poem that I wrote for his friend who passed away. he said it meant a lot to him.

with my former T, she gave me this little ugly stuffed dog when I was in a crisis once. It came from the toy box in her office. but I still have it and named my cat after it. Its how I can keep her in my heart and memories even though I will never see her again. Its ok. I have moved on and I am doing much better now because of it.

My T said yesterday that just like he will always have his friend's memories and stuff with him, I will always have memories and thoughts of him no matter what happens. so I hold onto that. I'm just glad that my T and I were in spaces yesterday where we could talk openly and get some things out. he is going to work on not saying certain things in a certain way cause I feel like it puts pressure on me to be perfect, but then it ends up spinning me out of control.

I need to get back to doing work on the internal family system and DBT. I am also trying to get into a support group for body image. I am in the process of the gastric bypass surgery thing. I need to try to do it for my health. didn't mean to get off subject but was just pointing out some things that I am working on and I am trying to get support from others and not just my T. its too hard on him to be my sole support. I can understand that. and now that I know he's not leaving me, I can understand it better.

now i can breathe and start doing some real work again :O)

Roo

(((Roo),

I never saw this thread until now, or I wouldn't have sent you the PM asking if you showed your T my poem. I'm so glad that it helped you express your feelings. It helped me too, in a way I didn't realize. I used to think that my feelings for my T were unique, that just because of my situation I felt that way about her (and another T too). I felt kind of special. I thought my poem was personal, just for my T. But it means more to me, and is healthier, to realize that my feelings are shared by others, and that my words can help others who are going through therapy. So, now I feel special in a different way. Oops, maybe that should have been in my own thread, but it just came to me as I was typing this.

I am so glad that you and your T talked this all out and came to an understanding. I have problems with loss, too. It's not easy to lose those we are close to, but it's part of life. My T told me that I "own my memories" of therapy, and that I will always have them. Similar to what yours said. I have given her poems, and she has given me some things also. Of course I treasure the "note" she gave me and the hug at our last session. But what she gave me most was herself--her wisdom, confidence in me, stability, and I do think I can it "her love". That will stay with me always. So, what your T is telling you is true, and what you've found out from leaving your other T's is true. We can keep people in our hearts even though we are not with them physically.

The "time capsule" you did with one of your T is amazing! What a wonderful way to remember her. I don't think many Ts would go to that extent.

I know you're going through a hard time now, and I hope your appointment with your T today goes well.