BPDRecovery.com: Forums

I realize that posting lately has been frustrating for me. In the past, I've gotten a lot of support from the board, and I am extremely grateful to Ash and to those who have helped me in my journey. I will always want the best for everyone, and I wish all of you a happy, recovered life.

I'm not disappearing forever, but I think PMs and emails to those who know me, is the best way for me to proceed at this point.

Thank you for the support and help these past 4 (has it really been that long?) years!

What is this good-bye for? Are you angry and trying to "seek revenge" on us for not congratulating you on your daughter's wedding? Are you trying to get us to give you attention by posting this?

Are you planning on honestly leaving or is this an attempt to manipulate others into meeting your needs? "You're not giving me enough attention, so I am going to leave now!" /sticks out lower lip. Isn't that really what you are saying to us?

Wondering, I realize we do not know deep down what you are feeling. You are the only one who knows how and what you feel. I'm wondering if you're in more of a "recovery mode" right now, which is a good thing. If so, I'm happy for you. I hope you'll check in every now and then. You are such an asset to the board - a common-sense person and someone who deeply cares. I'm so happy I got to know you!

i, for one , am extremely glad i know you and i think you add a lot here. i respect your place right now to step back and work on you, if needed. you know i do that a lot sometimes!

please feel free to pm me anytime or ask for my email. and you hang in there. its tough sometimes, yes it is. i wish you all the best there is. and i hope you come back public when you can.

((wondering))

Aqua,

I'm beyond anger and revenge. I'm accepting reality. Those who would have congratulated me aren't active anymore. I'm sad, but resigned. Those who would have commented on my "T in my house" aren't around either. So be it. I don't want to beat my head against the wall. Who needs it? I don't want to create drama or beg for attention anymore. Maybe I graduated from the board the same way I graduated from therapy. I made some friends who I can email, who care about me and what goes on in my life. I hope that I helped some people. I know I did. I certainly got a lot of help when I needed it. The board is different now. That's reality, and I have no choice but to accept it. I do better one-on-one with people, and that's okay. When I can help people, I'll try. If I think anyone can help me, I'll ask. I just want to accept that it's not like friendship. I'd rather have friendship at this point.

BG and Jody: Thank you. I know we'll keep in touch. Don't worry.

Thanks for the explanation, wondering. I appreciate that, and I think it satisfied my curiosities. I think what you are saying is that you feel that you grew some relationships here, but those people you had relationships with are no longer here, and that you are no longer getting the same things from being here as you were before. It seems like that could lead to some disappointment. Makes sense. I had noticed that it seemed like you expected certain things you weren't getting.

it is not friendship , wondering. also it is very diff than it was. thats true.

im glad you have these insights, sometimes i wonder why i bang my head against the wall also. its my only link to sanity, tho, and i need that.

im always around for you or to chat about our grandbabies, any time you want.

funny how our own histories color our minds, revenge or anger wasnt even in my thoughts when i read your post. everyone is so diff, arent they>?

((wondering))

Good luck to you, Wondering! Feel free to pipe up any time you want/need to...

I didn't read revenge or anger in your post either, wondering. I guess this kind of relates to jody's communication thread - people read things that aren't there, based upon their own mood at the time.

I think what I did hear though was your needs have changed and those who you most related with are not around so much, and therefore it is time for you to move on from BPDR, only you've gotten somewhat attached to the place and leaving is bringing up similar feelings that you had about leaving therapy. So rather than just leave, you are "sort of saying good-bye" which allows you to wean off gradually? It's letting others know that you are in the process of leaving, but you're finding it too hard to just completely walk away and cut all ties? I have been in that place myself a few times lately.

Has it really been that long (4 years?) All the best to you wondering.

warmest regards,

Amanda

Amanda: you summarized my feelings very accurately. I don't like endings, and I never thought I'd ever want to leave the board. But I have to accept the reality that it's not so good for me anymore. So, I'm "in the process" of leaving. I think I've been on the board for at least 3 years, if not 4!

Aqua: You're not entirely wrong. I like the attention, but not enough to make up a story just to get it. Even though you may have worded it poorly, don't discount the partial truth in your first post to me. It makes sense. If I had gotten a lot of responses to my other posts, maybe I wouldn't have started this thread. But, I believe there is a reason for everything that happens. It's time for me to move in other directions now. Like Ash said. If you are looking for hardware in the candy store, you won't find it. This is not the right store for me now, and that's okay.


StoneGlow says: the second paragraph was in the context of the split posts.

Best wishes to you Wondering.

Wishing you all the best!

I take periodic breaks from BPDR when I'm not finding it helpful, and that approach works well for me.

I just now read your "T in my house" thread, and I think you're making fantastic progress.

*waves from Bali*

Don't be a stranger, kiddo!

I never did thank the rest of you for wishing me well. As you can see, I started a thread about my Dad, so it really is just "sort of a good-bye". I was thinking in black and white before. If the board is not responsive all the time, then it's no good for me. It would be beneficial for me to learn to accept the "ups and downs" of posting, without having any expectations. That's not easy for me, so I am just going to play it by ear. I don't want to be dependent on the board. I think it's like quitting therapy. I can use my t and the board "as needed" without cutting either out of my life completely for the time being. I'm finding the grey, and it feels right!

I'm really glad to read your last post, ((Wondering)), I really am! It sounds like just the right way to look at the issue to me.
:-)

As ever,

J.

That's great! And a nice conclusion to come to... I always feel better after I've accepted something as it is, and learned where I can fit that into the mix where it will be right for me.

I haven't been at BPDR for awhile now so I missed this post when it was new. Because it is new to me now, I am posting to say that I understand about the gradual weaning and I think it is a healthy process we all go through.

I go for awhile without even thinking about BPDR anymore and then when I do think about BPDR I go for awhile longer before I manage to log in to see how people are doing. Every time I go away and come back, there are things that look the same and things that look different. As time goes on, those things I thought I would miss do not have such a strong pull on me and those things that bother me end up more effectively pushing me away. Basically, the more frequently I leave for longer periods of time, the easier it is for me to stay gone. Even tonight I have more interest in other things so I am not focusing my attention on the words on my computer screen as much as I am focused on other things.

Part of my detachment is knowing that my words here don't really matter much. We all live until we die and I have given up on the notion that my life is meaningful enough that I might touch other people's lives in positive ways. I used to think I could make a difference through communication on a computer screen but now I know that my main goal should be on my own mental health and that reaching out to others is really not necessary nor is it a productive use of my life energy. Managing my own mental functioning seems to take greater effort, which leaves me with less to give to others.

My husband and I will most likely be separating and my seventeen-year-old will be wanting to move on within the next year. That leaves me and my eight-year-old daughter to manage life together and my focus needs to be on being the best mother I can be with what I have to work with. Giving my energy to other people will not help me reach that goal so it loses meaning and purpose over time.

I heard a quote the other night during staff training that stuck with me: Life is not about surviving the storms, it is about dancing in the rain. I have spent far too much of my 38 years in survival mode and it is time to take the time to dance. I want to live the rest of my life because I have this premonition that the time to live is coming to an end.