BPDRecovery.com: Forums

I am a teacher and do a wonderful job teaching. But I am also a mess in my personal life. Some of the people whom I confide in say, "I can't believe you are a teacher." When trying to help me they say things like, "What would you tell your students?" I get so embarrassed. Does anyone else out there do well in there professional life but fall apart in their personal life? They say "those who can do, and those who can't teach."

I can relate. I've always done extremely well in school and work environments. It's when you start getting into personal relationships that I fall apart.

Now, why do you get embarrassed when someone asks you what you might tell your students? I would think that might be an effective way to get out of your own head and try and be more objective.

i'm not a teacher, but i know exactly what you mean. i am the sole provider of income in my marriage, so i have to work full time, all the time, and i can't fall apart at my job. people assume that because i work in a corporate office and dress the part, that i must be "normal" and that there is nothing really wrong with me. it makes me feel embarrassed as well when people do find out the truth about me... i just do my crying in the bathroom where no one can see.

but you shouldn't be embarrassed. it is a mark of strength that you can go through what you go through and still go to your job to teach those kids. you should be proud of what you do.

erin

I actually tend to you this as a tool myself to take a look at my stuff from out side of my head. I tend to use the question "what would I tell my best friend?"

It's quite often amazing what answers I can find within, when I look at something this way!

and those who can't teach critisize (sp)

That cliché never fails to tick me off. Teachers have possibly the single most important job in this society (outside of parenting).

To answer your question, it's common in high-functioning borderlines to be successful at work and demonstrate the illness in private. Are you sure you are confiding in safe people? Perhaps you could ask them not to bring up your job when you need support with personal issues.

I hear this a lot, and I'm learning to be more comfortable with it.
I can be very patient and understanding and gentle with other people, but I rarely (if ever) show the same to myself. I can be very objective about the situations of other people, but I can struggle with the same exact thing and not make the connection. I know more than I think I do. I just find it very hard to apply that knowledge to my own problems.

Perhaps these people are not trying to make any judgment or criticism? Perhaps they are suggesting that you apply the insight, understanding and tolerance and insight that you have for others to your own issues. Step outside yourself and take another look at whatever is going on. If the situation did not involve you, how would you suggest that someone handle it?

But of course, it's easier to be objective about someone else's issues because we ARE objective. We're on the outside, and it's a lot easier to remain neutral when we aren't being buffeted by all the emotions. Much easier for us to keep a clear and level head when it's not our problem. I know how hard it is to take that step outside of myself when I'm in the middle of it! But I'm learning...When we're on the inside of all the chaos, all the knowledge and wisdom we've developed can seem so very far away.

Hi

I am a teacher too and know exactly what you mean. I think there is an element of this is many teachers and not just a bpd thing. Many of the people who I work with who are pretty level headed often talk of feeling as if they have a split personality.... one for the classroom and the other for the outside world! I guess its a bit like being an actor, always playing a role. I feel really focussed and able at work, then really stupid when not at work. For me, I seem to have a personality for every different person I am with. Do you ever feel like that?

Thanks
Jess

This is familiar to me, too. When working at a CD counseling agency, I was always told that I will make an excellent counselor. Most clients loved me and were very sad when I told them that I had decided to leave. While seeing everything very clearly for them, I was not able to apply my cherished advice to myself, go figure. I think that Minx is right on the dot with the comment that we are on the outside and better able to be objective because our emotional involvement is limited and we tend to look at the naked facts rather than getting all enmeshed in the problems of others. From my experience, it is a good thing to keep job and private life seperate since people tend to use our privat chaos against us if it is to their advantage. If someone asked me why on earth I wanted to be counselor, I usually told them that I was good at it and that I liked it. Period.

At work I am very intellectual. I teach from my head about things I have learned and memorized. Outside of the classroom I am more emotional and get triggered more easily.

I did not mean to imply that teachers can't "do." We can and do practice what we preach most of the time.

I do ask myself what I would tell my students, but when my BPD temper comes out I am unable to practice what I preach. I can easily tell a student, "now don't get upset," [when someone criticizes them] but then I will turn around and get upset at people who criticize me. I guess it is progress not perfection as they say in A.A.

When your "BPD temper" comes out, what could you do to help yourself regain that objective perspective?

A lot of times, I have to back away and write it out. When I'm writing, it somehow makes it easier to detach myself from the emotions and I can see a little bit more clearly what I need to do. I've actually started an online (private) blog about my new relationship so I have a place to write all that stuff out without bothering anyone. Most of the time, I can read my writings and respond to them as rationally as I can to anyone here.

Even in real life, I'm better off not reacting right away. Even a five second pause CAN buy me some objective space IF I choose to use it for that.

Whatever is going, it is NOT so important that I can't take a minute or two to take that breath and remove myself from the equation. I just have to MAKE that happen.

So you're accomplished and competent at your job, RainbowAlways. That's not a bad thing!

I think it's difficult to reconcile parts of us that handle things differently depending upon our responsibilities and expectations. Most people have a hard time doing what's best for themselves even though it seems so simple to an onlooker (who would also have a hard time doing that which they think looks so simple!).


~ jr