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last week I had written that I wanted my T to care about me and be concerned. well I know what that's about. On monday I am going to do some processing through EMDR on something that happened 4 years ago.

Just as it had turned to father's day 4 years ago, I had intentionally overdosed. I waited for a bit to get help and then the crisis unfolded. I have never processed what happened to me physically or anything. some people don't even know what happens when one is rushed to the hospital for that. I'm not going to get into details of it because I don't want someone to think I am bragging about what I went through.

its just that the event in itself was traumatic. I was transferred from one hospital to the critical care unit of the hospital I worked at just months before. so not only did people care for me who knew me, but people who were taking care of me were very upset and could not believe i was there yet again. they were concerned, and very scared for my life. I was babysat (24 hour watch) by coworkers. i was monitored by security guards that I knew.

when I look back on this, I see how awful the experiences were. each suicide attempt was different but traumatic. I don't know what I really need except that I needed a place to get this out tonight. for some reason, this year, father's day is bothering me again and this memory came up for me last week.

I will forever be sorry for ever taking an over dose but I cannot change what has already happened.

Roo

since we cant change the past, what we can do is learn from it. so whatever negative doesnt happen again, and whatever positive we do use again.

awww Roo, how sad life would have been had i not met you. had you not decided to heal and came here and met all of us. the person you helped yesterday or who you may help tomorrow.

im so glad you are here. im so sorry your hurting but maybe its a reminder, where you were, where you are now, how far you have come, and indeed, how bad a thing self murder really is. imho* ....

thanks for sharing. get it out.

((Roo))

jody you are so right. I think it has been a reminder of where I was and how far I have come. if someone told me 4 years ago where I would be today, I never would have believed them.

I have gotten through today even though it was an 'anniversary' of sorts. i just tried not to think about it but it did come up cause I have a friend who is like a brother to me and he thinks about suicide 24/7 and I was feeling kind of upset. but I got through it. I am ok. that shows me my growth too.

I am glad I came here and met you all too! sometimes I don't think I help anyone else but I do take a lot from here. I am glad if I can help even one person! that makes me feel good.

we are both doing a lot of growing!!!!

Roo

the funny thing, we never know when we help someone. usually when we least expect it.

i would be surprised if the anniversary WASNT a tough day for you. im sorry that you feel bad.

how do you deal with that person who thinks suicide 24/7?

I'm stuck with this friend. I read his myspace stuff and feel bad. then i get angry. then i feel like I failed him as a friend. then i get motivated to help and it becomes a cycle of emotions. there have been times I have had to call the crisis people to go see him and they had to take him to the ER but i don't see him much.

kind of a good thing I think because if I were surrounded by all the negativity and stuff it would bring me down and suck me right back into a life of SI and other stuff. I had to step back a while ago after he was more than willing to buy me diet pills to abuse (part of my eating disorder and his). for me, I won't do things to allow someone to self harm. I think he just wanted friends so he would go along with whatever we were doing.

He and my H would get along but this friend is too into his shit to even know how to have fun. it was just hard last night. I had to ask my friend if he was safe for the night before I went to sleep. I needed to know for my own peace of mind. especially when all i was thinking about was my OD on father's day 4 years ago. it was sort of like pouring salt on an open wound.

i think tomorrow i am processing what happened 4 years ago but I am not sure. I will see how I feel tomorrow. I wanted to process it before father's day. now that its come and pretty much gone, some of the intensity around it is gone.

you are doing the best thing for him when you call 911 or someone to come get him. every time my daughter began her shit again i called the crisis line. i think she got the idea, but it took her mind off wanting to die! she ended up more mad at me,,,whatever it took.

be careful you dont enable him. im not sure listening to him constantly is helping him much. just my opinion...

i have so many issues with people who attempt, try or succeed at suicide...you seem to be the exception and i dont know why! good thing you are, eh. maybe because it seems you have learned so much from it.

just be good to you for the next few days or week...do something extra special just for you. because at the time it can be such a blur, but is still imprinted on your mind, i think that is why the anniversarys are so hard. the feelings come back minus the numb.

i will be thinking about ya tomorrow.