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The last several days have been different. I’m finding it easier to apply tools when needs and in many cases just by realizing my thinking is going in a non-healthy direction is enough for my mind to auto shift into a healthy one.

I can see most of my issues are really just about my thinking. This understanding is helping me distinguish (not always as fast as it’s like) between thoughts that need further explorations (digging to see my deepest issues), thoughts that need to be changes, (twisted thinking), and thoughts that should be allowed to run their course, (painful memories).

I find I’m living in the “now” more and more and only responding to areas of thought that need adjustment while allowing acceptance of what is to be the main truth. I don’t feel like I’m hiding from anything – I still have hot bottoms – but instead of pushing them away I just accept the way they make me feel and if needed work the issues with my thinking. I do still have a few triggers that I’ll talk about below – but I think I’ll deal with them when I’m ready.

I see recovery different then what I was striving for. I thought that recovery was a destination, a place where I would just feel good about everything. But now I see recovery, or a word I think applies better for me, as enlighten. Changing my thinking and accepting the world and it’s inhabitance as they are, will be a life time endeavor.

I know I still have a lot of work to do and I accept that, there are hard days ahead for me and I accept that too, I will feel as I will feel, well - for the rest of my life and I’m ok with that. I’m not sure what to call this, but I feel like I have the tools to start living in a healthy world and for me it’s a good place to work from.

One of the new things I’m working on is triggers. When is the right time to just put them out my life and work on me, when is the right time to address and reprogram the trigger, and when is the right time to finish my business with underlining issue within the trigger. Today this is in relation to a mutual friend of the ex calling to check up on me and always finding away to bring her up in the conversation. I am not denying she or he exists, I’m just choosing to not make them part of my life right now. This is a hot button that sends my down the wrong road of thought. I’ve worked the 5 steps and my answer for today is to avoid both of them. When I’m ready I’ll deal with this as I see fit, I just want this time for me.

I see 'recovery' in much the same way. I Love this thought!

Good work, Anchorage. These things will come with time-- triggers, knowing what to do when, etc. I think you sound like you have made leaps and bounds in progress. Really good stuff!!

Harmonium,

You have supported me so much in the process - thanks .

I wanted to also say I know understand the need, when possible, to find your own answers. Asking someone else to define your view of the world is asking to live through the prejudice of others. I totally understand the need to ask questions and get help with issues, I might have set the record in this department. But the goal, in my mind, is to reach a level of self sufficiently as to know and trust yourself to do what you know is right for you. At least that’s my vision and my goal.

I re-wrote this to clarify me vision.

I see recovery different now then what I was previously striving for. I thought recovery was a destination, a place where I would feel good about everything. But now I see recovery, or a word that better applies for me, as enlightenment; changing my thinking and seeing & accepting the world and it’s inhabitance as they are. I think a person willing to move towards such a goal would be better serviced viewing this as a life time endeavor.