BPDRecovery.com: Forums

Does there come a time when everything that is happening in your life just makes sense? You understand why she left, you understand why each of your friends has been acting they way they have, you understand what you’ve been doing and even why. No one has done anything wrong; they are all just doing what they do because of who they are. It just seems everything is clear and then there is me, the catalyst of these actions. I understand it’s their stuff as to why they react the way they do, but I’ve driven these behaviors with my actions. It’s not a particularly good place to be (but I accept it and I'm ok with it and me) when you can see how you’ve been the driver of this over the last several months and in many cases much longer.

Does this stay with you, or like so many other issues within this disorder – will I twist this and re-boot my mind into some other fantasy land or allow myself to be corrupted by poisonous thoughts. I don’t necessarily like most of what I’m seeing, but it’s the clearest understanding I can remember.

Putting aside the flowery language, does reality stay with you?

Well, no matter how mentally together we ourselves are, there will always be times when what's going on in our lives doesn't make sense because of the other people. Sometimes their actions don't make sense. Yeah, there are those times when we can say, "Okay, I get it, they did B as a response to me doing A". But, still, we won't always be able to understand the connection between B and A, or even if there's a connection. Sometimes, others don't make sense.

But, as for understanding our own role in things, well, I believe nothing's absolute. We'll come to understand better and better, but I think it's more, most everything makes sense, rather than everything makes sense.

I'm not getting what you mean by "does reality stay with you" here. I think I understood the "flowerly language", but I'm not connecting that with the question. I guess I'm dense at figuring out questions today.

I think, new things we learn, and new perspectives, the more we practice them, the more they remain part of us. That's partly, like, keeping at it. But, I also think, a more intense experience of a new perspective is more likely to stick. (Which may or may not be an answer to your question.

EllenKMR,

It’s most likely my inability to explain this well. I guess for me I can’t remember a time when I could see where other people just respond because they are who they are and I’m ok with it. Example – a friend of mine wants me to seek a different direction with my therapy. He has a very strong option for his ideas. That’s great, I want to thank him for his passion and his attempt to assist me, but it’s not for me right now, and I’m just ok with the whole thing. I’m not judging, not making assumptions, not taking it personal, or not twisting my thinking, I just get it. I’m not use to my mind working like this. Everything in my life just sort of tuned on this morning, like I just get it and it works. I can also see my roll in things, what parts of things I’m responsible for.
Does this all feel good? No! But, I’m ok with the feeling too. I’m not sure where this will lead and if my past is any indication, this will not last. This is just really different, I’m just calm and I can see things clearly, it just all make sense to me If I had to say where I am emotionally, I would say I’m a little sad being alone on Christmas Eve and not having anyone special to share Christmas with, but the strange thing to me is I’m ok with it.