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Borrowing this space to talk to myself.
Gonna look for twists but hope to do this as untwisted as I can.

I am learning to stand up for myself, something I find very hard to do.
I rang my sons dad because he old my son that I am having him next friday whiclsty his teeth pulled and that he had asked me about this four weeks ago. I am very sure that he did not ask me and that he told my son this as I find it difficult to say no to my son.

I called him and said I am not able to have my boy on Friday as I will be at work. I am entitled to a life. My sons dad asked for the responsibility for caring for my son in a court of law. There is no court order saying I have to step in whenever he needs childcare. My sons dad is saying I will not be seeing my son this weekend because I can not look after him on friday. Followed by lots of emotional blackmail about how I am letting my son down blah blah blah. I am not going to buy it.

My self care is important. I am allowed to put myself first.
This request was not for my son, it was to make my exs life easier. I have only let his father down, even if I did that much. Actually by taking the day off on Friday I would be letting myself down.

It's ok, it's not bad to put my needs ahead of my sons father. He is my son but I have not let him down either. If I don't see my son this weekend it as a result of my sons dad throwing the baby out with the bath water. I will not fall into the emotional trap. Nor hold onto guilt!

Now to let it sink in. I am not guilty!!!!!!
This is hard!

Ok experiencing something I haven't before. Anger, I am angry that my son's dad uses him to manipulate me in this way. I only spotted it lately courtesy of a friend that was saying I need to assert some boundaries.

I felt guilty when I got off of the phone. Now I feel angry.... I'm allowed to feel angry. Yes?

Is it usual to feel angry when you stand up for yourself in place of guilt?

I was quaking in my boots when I got on the phone.

your "allowed" to feel anything you want.

you might see why the anger, secondary emotion, and work with it a bit. be angry at the asshole..he tried this on you. brought in your son to add to the guilt just to get his way. grrrrrrrrr.

congrats on the good work!!!!! i hate these emotionally blackmailing people and thats all he is.....and i HATE IT.

((Tracy)) good work, girl. excellent stuff.

scary to stand up for ourselves. oh hell yes, it is. it will get easier tho. i quake also, if i do it. scares the pee outta me, to be honest.

GOOD JOB!!!!!