BPDRecovery.com: Forums

Hi!

I'm new to the site and keen to start trying some of the approaches for recovery. I had a second breakdown just over two years ago, and haven't been able to really get my life back on track. My personality kind of collapsed and I got very detached from my family and friends. I feel like I've been living entirely in my head, with all sorts of strange and racing thoughts - most of them to do with what a dreadful person I am etc. etc. It's been like living in a fog of chaos and panic and crashing from one thing to another, behaving erratically and creating all sorts of problems in my life. I feel in a sort of stasis - all of this time is passing but I feel like I'm totally stuck and not engaging with life at all.

I feel like I've been trying really hard to get on top of things - I've been in therapy for the last couple of years, and have tried all sorts of things like meditation, yoga, 5 rhythms, healthy eating, mindfulness practice etc. But I've found it hard to maintain any of these things, or really allow them to help me. Somehow I haven't been able to make any connection with a sense that I'm doing these things for myself, for my own benefit - somehow it always feels like I'm doing it because I ought to, because it's the "sensible" thing to do, and then some part of me feels angry or resistant, I'm not sure. I think I've found it hard to be 100% committed to change because at some level I haven't been able to believe it's possible, or because things have felt such a mess that I've haven't really been able to face my situation.

Just over the last few weeks I've started to feel a little bit more stable and connected to the world again, and I really want to start trying to move beyond all these problems and begin working on building a more meaningful life for myself. I'd be really interested to know if anyone has any advice for getting started with the tools that are suggested here. I think I have a tendency to try to implement lots of changes all at once, and then get overwhelmed, demoralised and give up.

I'm delighted to have found this site - it seems like a really positive and supportive place!
Thanks for listening
xxxxx

Hi and welcome!

I can relate to how you've been feeling -- I've been there. All I can say is that it can get better. You've been doing the right things, especially in sticking with therapy, and hopefully the feeling of improvement you've found now will only increase. I especially understand the sense that you're not doing these self-improvement things for yourself, because you want to do them for you, but rather that you're doing them because somebody outside of you told you that they'd be "good for you." I'm still not totally healthy in that regard, but I'm still working on it, and even if I'm not convinced about being healthier for me, it's still good for my family that I continue to try.

As for our "Tools" in the box on the left, I know they can seem a bit overwhelming and hard to fathom all at once. Don't worry -- they take practice and it may be a while before you start to reap the rewards. But the rewards can definitely be there. Maybe, since you said that you struggle with feeling like you're "a dreadful person" -- not true, I'm sure -- start with the stuff about Twisted Thinking, both how to recognize the ten forms, and then how to untwist. Usually when we start labeling ourselves so negatively like that, we're exaggerating or magnifying or misinterpreting something. We go from "I did something I regret" to "I'm evil because I did something I regret" in a heartbeat. Practicing how to recognize when we're twisting something is a good start for all of us.

If you have questions, ask away, both about the Twisted Thinking stuff and the other tools as well. There are forums more or less dedicated to each one of the tools, though they haven't been real active lately -- maybe read some of the old posts in there for starters, and then start your own thread with your own questions or comments. Stuff that's more generally mental-health related can go in the "On the Border" forum, and there are places to post about depression and anxiety as well.

I hope this gets you started. I'm glad you found us, and I hope you enjoy being here.

--just wanted to say a quick hello! As for getting started, my advice is take baby steps. The whole concept of baby steps has helped me a lot on my road to reaching my potential. Also, using the tools part of this BB is extremely helpful, especially the untwisting and the five steps.

Hope that helps and Welcome!

Hi Sari and BPDpip,

Thanks so much for your welcomes, advice and encouragement. I've found it really hard to get to a place where I can start to have faith that anything can help so it's great to hear that these tools have been so empowering for so many people here. I feel like I've been living inside such much panic and chaos that finding the headspace to process the strategies, persevere with them and really give them a chance feels hard. I think I've been tending to flit from one "solution" to another in desperation without really committing to anything enough for it to make a difference. I like the idea about baby steps - I think I'm always trying to run before I can walk so perhaps trying to take things more gradually is a good way forward.

Thanks again for your replies and wishing you both a good weekend!

You know that AA saying, "It works if you work it"?

I couldn't think of a more true statement.

I tend to get all these gigantic big dreams in my head, then I just try to sort of run after it with no direction. Then when I fall on my face, I have the nerve to be surprised! lol. One step at a time. Set a small, realistic goal that is part of the bigger picture. Each one is a little hurdle, and realizing you're that much closer is so much more satisfying than having these wildly unrealistic expectations of overnight change(but I am guilty of that kind of thinking, too!).

Welcome!!

It can be overwhelming if you look at the big picture first.....so like Pip said.....take baby steps....and like Miyasa said....One day at a time.

You'll get there if you let yourself believe and if you really want it to be different.

good luck!!

First off, just wanted to say you are very articulate, and it's a pleasure to have someone so intelligent and insightful on board. All of what you are going through is totally normal. In fact, when I first started reading your post it was like reading my own thoughts from the beginning of my diagnosis. I really couldn't believe how well you worded it, and how precise you are with what bpd brings. Sometimes we forget that a lot of us really are going through similar things (sometimes exactly the same things lol) and how much it helps to know someone has gone or is going through shiz too (weird, but there's comfort in being in the same boat).
I struggled with the "doing for myself" issue for awhile. Felt like I'd never get through it without having someone there telling me why I'm doing it or why I have to do it. I finished my program and got worse for the first two months after it, scared me so much. But then, something just clicked inside my head and I made a big decision on my own that changed my life because I wanted to. A friend actually pointed it out to me after that I had just made a monumental decision in my life because it was best for me, no one else. After the first one, a lot more things because easier. Suddenly, I realized I cared about myself. Hit me outta no where like a freight train but felt good. I still have so many downs, but the ups stay with me longer and bring me continued hope whenever I am down (as does this site).
You already sound so much more aware than I ever remember being and you came to this site for YOU. So start a success journal or something like that, and put that down as the first thing you did just because YOU wanted to. Congratulations on getting more connected with yourself and on feeling better. BPD essentially is a loss of sense of self. When you start getting it back, recovery begins to look just like that; recovery. Listen to me, I sound all smart and pro at this, but really, I've just had a crap two months til now. lol. I was only diagnosed a year and a month ago, so I don't really know what I'm talking about hahaha. Well, I know what I went through and felt, and can only relate on certain levels. Either way, I'm rambling on and just wanted to say "Hi! Welcome! And so glad to meet you!!!!".

The End. lol

Hugz

Thanks so much for all the replies - it's great to get such a warm welcome

Keekster - thanks so much for the encouragement and for sharing something of your experiences. It's great to hear that things have started to improve for you. I feel like I'm only just at the very beginning of the journey of trying to learn to care for myself but I think I can relate a little to how transformatory it can feel to make that shift towards life. It's the very first time in my life that I'm starting to sense the potential to allow myself to enjoy life, to participate, contribute, feel part of something rather than always cut off inside all of this fear and self-destructiveness. Lots of luck on the path to recovery - sounds as if you're making great strides even if it isn't always easy.

Thanks again to everyone
xxxx

You do sound very insightful for being on this board!!! And you are very articulate in your writing and how you word things! I can definitely relate to wanting to try new things as a means of trying to stay focused or wanting to get your life back on track somehow. You said you do yoga.. I do bike riding lol.
If you ever wanna talk more, message me.

I just had to say, well, welcome, and secondly, I love your name! We are overwhelmed with the lagartijas (lizards) here in Florida.

Thanks for your welcomes, Dollbaby and Trinity - lovely to meet you both!