BPDRecovery.com: Forums

Im a 36 yr old divorced mom....my life has been a series of failures and mistakes, problems and self-created drama. I keep repeating the same patterns of self-destructive behaviors which sabotages everything good in my life. The hardest thing is to live with is the way that I have hurt people who loved me. The way I have failed them.

Until my therapist dx me as borderline, I could not understand why I did such horrible things over and over. I live with such a deep shame about who I am and my inability to be good like other people. Its been difficult to research BPD and read what people think about us. My deepest fear is that I am actually, clinically, as worthless, bad and unlovable as I believed.

But I'm not ready to give up. Now that I understand what is wrong with me, I am desperate to leave my behaviors behind. I just cant live the rest of my life that way anymore.

I just want solutions and support. Im happy to have found this site, thank you.

You are in the right place to find solutions and support. A hearty welcome to you!

The people here are very helpful and there is a tools section on your left screen-- kind of a foundation for the recovery-oriented work we do here. I find that the more I work the tools, the easier (and happier) my life becomes.

There is hope. I'm a firm believer in recovery from the maladaptive coping mechanisms displayed within the BPD diagnosis. I struggled most of my life (self-created drama/trauma, as you also note) but finally decided I couldn't continue down that path. I found this site, a great therapist and devoted myself to recovery. I no longer meet any of the criteria for BPD, so I know first-hand that it is possible to go from a really horrible, dark place to healthy, happy living. The tools (and many other things) really work, when I actually applied them of course. I hope you find them and BPDR in general as helpful as I have!

Well, welcome again. If you have any questions, please ask. We are all friendly around here-- just dive in when and where you see fit.

Oh, and you mention some pretty difficult emotions in your post title. You are not alone in feeling these-- I know I've been in a similar place (from what I can tell). Some of those emotions I've learned to channel into positive, useful action. For others, I've found just sitting with those emotions, not judging them or acting upon them but simply observing, has been a great tool to help me know myself on a much deeper level. It helps with the impulse control too.

Welcome to BPDR! You are NOT worthless. YOU are LOVE.

I'm hopeful that the mention of your therapist means you're still seeing that person for on-going support and guidance. Nothing (especially on the internet) can take the place of a trained professional but this is a pretty darn good place to land. I encourage you to check the Tools section (to the left) and jump into the mix here at the forums. We're here to give to and get support from each other as we work on leading healthy, happy lives.

i just wanted to say that i can completely relate to this post and just today, after sorting through all that is going on in my life right now, i realized that the strongest pain i have is due to the harm i've done to those i love most and the guilt surrounding that. then comes the reinforcement that i am, indeed unlovable and the questioning of whether there is any hope for me to get well and... well i just wanted to say that i am glad to see somebody i can relate to, we are even close in age so our journeys may be similar, and wanted to extend an offer to contact me via email anytime you may need to talk to somebody that truely knows your pain.

That is exactly the way I am feeling! that is amazing!

Dear Borderline
Goodness!
[the biggest pain is the pain I caused to those I love, and the guilt surrounding it. And the feeling of being unloved][/quote]
I so so so relate to that! For me, it's me pushing away the very people who are trying to help me, love me and me taking out in anger on them impulsively.
Sighhhh