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I am 26 years old. A single child to a single parent who is I think also suffering from mental issues.

For years I've been struggling with many things. One of those was to get to know myself in order to learn how to work with and not against myself.
This growth and change is, I guess, natural for everyone.

Suicidal thoughts for me are as frequent and casual as having a cafee.
I can think cheerfully of ending my life and it can make me smile.
At times my soul is in such torture and pain that I toss and turn in my bed believing something is rotten with me.

Othertimes I'm dead confident - you'd think I'm your dreamgirl, charismatic diplomat person, great friend, crazy artist.
Very "Intelligent".

Then I can be angry. Mad angry.

Fear is eating at my heart for I don't quite know who I am.
And then there is that self criticism.
Sometimes I am able to feel, sometimes not.

I had undergone a trauma - perhaps a couple of traumas.
when it had to do with sexual offence my nerves were so violent i thought i am capable of murder
so naturally i turned that agression against myself - tried to run, practice sport

yesterday - while i slept it off i had this dream in which i am shouting and expressing the depth of my emotions which was so intense that even in the dream i had to control it so it wouldn't get so destructive

i want to be a healthy person
a human being
i want to be able to have a relationship with a guy i am into and is into me
i fear this will never be because i'm so oversensitive that i cannot love

and there's more...

in short,

i'm here to learn how to manage my life as best as i can

so that ending my life will not be the best and most human option for me as well as people around me

Glad you're here! And ending your life will never be the right thing for you nor your child. Don't forget.

Trin

I do not currently have a child.
I'm an only child (thought grown) to a single parent.

If it (ending it) is done to prevent harsher things (like own uncontrolled agression) turned against others - i prefer turning it against the self. It is still murder - of the self.
You could say it is like the best of the worse at times.
Othertimes - it's something that 'just happens'.

But... i want to live.
I'm here to accquire more tools to make it to life and to maintain a sense of thought and feeling that I wish to live (which is rather hard a lot of times). Here as well as in therapy.
Hopefully I will make it somehow

Thank you for your welcomeing reply

Sorry about that! I misread your post. Well, I'm glad to hear you're looking for tools. It took a combo of therapy, meds, and tools to get me where I am today. We all need to find our own road. I will you the best.

BTW, for some reason BBCode keeps getting disabled in your posts. You might want to keep an eye on that. It will mess up your post's formatting.