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Hello, I call myself skylerb77. I am a mom with 5 kids. Just recently out of the pyschiatric ward. My marriage is falling apart. I'm not allowed to see my children and now I have been diagnosed with borderline. I always knew something was wrong but I thought it was my spouse. Now I know the truth. Its a hard pill to swallow and I am in need of support. My husband has been abusive both physically and verbally but I must have pushed him to be this way. I feel a tremendous amount of guilt for ruining all of our lives.

After reading through some of the other posts I should fill in some more about myself.
Grew up in an irratic household. My dad was bi-polar and an alcoholic. I knew about sex from as young as I can remember. I often walked in while he was watching porn. I have two older brothers who don't talk to me. My dad died when I was 16 of lung cancer. No one in my family talks about this. I was sexually abused as a child by my cousin however I didn't realize it was wrong so I let it happen. I became sexually active at 13 and had my first long term relationship from the time I was 13 until 17. I tried to commit suicide the first time at 13 as well, during one of my dads manic episodes. After my dad died, 3 months later my mom moved another man into the house. I hated him and moved out a year later. Then my 4 year relationship fell apart. I was single for a month and then met my now husband, he was straight out of jail and I thought I could "fix" him. We have had a very turbulant relationship. I have accepted that I am a compulsive liar. I also have the need to be flirtatious and sexual I believe due to my fear of abandonment. I don't feel whole unless I have someone. I would do or give absolutely anything for him and I have. I constantly put him down behind his back. These are things I know and accept. I hit rockbottom in December with 2 suicide attempts the last one on Christmas Day , my 5 kids in the house and a turkey in the oven. Spent a month in the pysch ward and now I have basically lost everything and I am having trouble coping and understanding this disorder. NEED SUPPORT PLEASE.

skylerb,
I'm sorry to hear of what happened... It must be difficult for you to face the reality of all these.
Yet, recovery is now in YOUR hands, it's YOUR choice now Having a diagnosis is a very good first step towards recovery.

Do hang around here, learning about yourself from reading other people's posts, as well as learn to work using the tools. Ask if you have questions and share if you need feedback

Once again, welcome

Poor thing, well we are here for you and know what you feel like.

Skyler, don't blame yourself for your husband's abuse. There are plenty of men out there that deal with BPD women without abusing them. Trust me, I know you've probably done some things that would drive anyone over the edge, but he also had a choice and if he chose abuse, that's on him, NOT you.

I agree, you should not blame yourself for the abuse. I know part of BPD is negative self talk so that is easier said than done, but I hope you work on expecting more in your relationship and setting boundaries.

I know why you would feel like you bring it on yourself, I cheated on my husband & have been a real B@&# to him & he is so loving & nice to me. Sometimes I just hate him for being so nice, I wish he would leave me or treat me awfull because I think that's what I deserve! But it's not true! We don't deserve to be treated badly just because we have BPD, yes we need to learn to treat people better, but they need to treat us with respect too.

Good luck hun. ((()))