BPDRecovery.com: Forums

Hello. I'm a 32 Male, recently diagnosed with BPD. My life has been a set of ups and downs but mostly suffering inwardly. On the outside, I'm a nice, fun, compassionate person. On the inside, a self-loathing, self-destructive failure. I'm not really sure that I have a specific trigger, my parents were great and I was raised in a good home. But I've always been very hard on myself. My first planned suicide was around the age of 14, when I felt my parents would be disappointed that it had taken me too long to finish my Eagle Scout. I was stopped from this attempt by my friends, only a day before my scheduled time, because I was saying my goodbyes. This kind of thinking came back to haunt me during my college years, went I went right back to the same place when I wasn't going to finish college in 4 years.

My relationships have also been a bit up and down, usually only lasting a few months to year, beginning like the answer to all my needs and ending with "Why do I always attract crazy women?" In reality, I was the crazy one. I have been married now for almost 5 years. Most of our relationship has been great, but the last two years have been rough. I was fired from my job and unemployed for a while. After that, our relationship didn't seem to be the same and I thought she was angry with me and wanted to leave. I started to look for a different partner (part of my 'exit' strategy in order to keep from being alone) and tried to start wooing a mutual friend of ours. Thankfully she rejected my pursuits. This is what finally led me to getting back into counselling.

When I started, I thought I simply had depression again, since that is what I had been told the last few times I had problems. But due to my insurance, I went to a new therapist and after an evaluation, was told I have BPD. It's kind of scary. In one way, it makes my life and my choices finally fit into a box that I can analyze. In another way, its going to be a lot of work and time and patience. My wife has been amazing, really understanding and starting to work with me. Our mutual friend, whom I considered my best friend (her and I have known each other going back to college and longer than my wife and I) hasn't spoken to me since my diagnosis. She said she needed time to deal with some of her own issues and everything that had happen. While I understand this on one level, I can't help but feel the abandonment. It's also difficult because most of my other 'friends' I have kept at arms length. Her and my wife still speak, so I am trying to be optimistic.

Otherwise, I started on Pristiq and my next appointment is on Monday, when I will hopefully start my real treatment and recovery process.

Dear Huffer
Welcome here
I think you've taken the right first steps, congratulations Having a diagnosis is the first step towards recovery, so persevere on and you'll eventually recover
IMHO, your best friend's reaction is the LAST thing you should be worried about, since she's still speaking to your wife. For now, your recovery is FIRST. In fact, you could use this (your relationship with your best friend - her not talking to you) as an issue that you could work on and explore in your recovery process - ESPECIALLY examine your abandonment thoughts / feelings and the dynamics behind it.
I did this (my mentor's silence was bothering me), I used her silence and ignorance of me to deeply explore my own abandonment fears and so on. And it has helped me a great deal. (viewtopic.php?f=18&t=12443), just in case you want to read

And I think you have a great wife, so be extra extra thankful for it

Hang around, read others' posting and glean some insights for yourself, as well as learn to apply the tools here.

We can all recover! hehe

Hi Huffer,

Welcome. I'm new too! I've really enjoyed having a forum based on recover to come to, rather than just a place to complain & act out. I hope you find it helpful here too.

I can relate on a couple of your issues. I looked outside of my marriage also for relief from some of my issues. Unfortunately I was not turned down & did have an affair my husband found out about. But he has been willing to forgive me and is helping through my recovery. Which is a blessing because he is really my rock!

I have found this whole process of being diagnosed and seeking recovery to be very lonely. Which is why I empathize with your situation with your friend who hasn't spoken to you. I tried telling a few people. A couple people told me they would "be there" for me, but they aren't ever willing to make time for me, not even to talk on the phone. A couple other people I told about it but they rejected the diagnosis & now choose to never bring it up. They don't even ask how I'm doing in regards to my mental health. It really hurts. One of the #1 things my therapist said I need to do is work on close meaningful friendships, but I don't seem to know how anymore.

Anyway, all that to say I understand. At least we can come here and talk about these things, but it doesn't replace a good friend. Good luck on your recovery, I think your heading in the right direction.