BPDRecovery.com: Forums

I just recently discovered that I have BPD and am currently taking the necessary steps to try and get better. My life up to this point has been a real nightmare. I've ruined relationships, quit jobs, hurt those close to me, and always find a way to basically sabotage my life. I just recently went inside my head and made a complete fantasy about my current girlfriend and made myself believe it. I screamed horrible things at her and told her it was over. The next morning I felt awful. I really just didn't feel like existing anymore. Well, while I was punishing myself she looked into BPD on the internet and called me to tell me she suspected that's what was wrong with me.

After researching it further and speaking to a professional, I feel so relieved to at LEAST finally know what my deal was. Although it's a huge relief and it's helped my friends and family understand and be patient with me a bit more, I'm still frightened about the future. The trying out the different meds and doses, relearning my thinking, and knowing the delusions that will inevitably present themselves again, as well as all the therapy I'm in for. It's going to be difficult but at least I have someone who cared enough about me to figure this out with me. I'm worried that she'll eventually move on though. I can really bring her down and accuse her of things that never happened, believe her when she explains I'm mistaken, and then believe my delusions again an hour later. It's torture in my brain. We're both reading up on this new diagnosis. She's reading the "Eggshells" book.

I'm hopeful that things will eventually come together for the better because I'm not sure how long I can go on feeling and thinking the way I do. I went to the Dr. today and am now going to be taking Zoloft and Klonopin along with the Lithium I've already been on. The Lithium has helped stabilize my moods and I'm hoping these two new meds will help with my thoughts and anxieties. I'm continuing therapy on a monthly basis and will continue learning to unlearn.

Anyway, I'm glad I found these forums. There are still so many light bulbs going off at this early stage of realization. Thanks for letting me post.

Johnny,
A big congratulations to you for taking the necessary steps to your recovery You're so on the right path
As for your fear of losing your girlfriend, I would say you have to STOP doing things that will damage your relationship with her. All your accusing her and saying things that hurt her has to STOP.
Another thing is that the more you feed the fear, the more you're likely to push her away. It's a BPD thing whereby because of the fear of abandonment, we FRANTICALLY do stuff (like sending frantic text messages and so on) to avoid the abandonment. But it's those frantic actions / efforts that cause the abandonment to really happen. So the next time you feel like you're going to lose her, I recommend this:
a) DON'T take any action like frantically calling her
b) pause and examine the evidence

By the looks of it, I would think that she's planning to stick by you. The very fact that she was brave enough to confront you with your bpd shows how much she loves you. The very fact that she would take time to read the Eggshells book is another evidence that she loves you.
So remember, this relationship is in your hands - you can ruin it with your frantic efforts to avoid abandonment, or you can have a loving, supportive girlfriend by your side.

Kudos to you once again. The journey of recovery isn't easy, but it's worth taking

Well things aren't looking so great. I asked her about her past again ( I don't understand why I do that) and she went crazy on me. It hurts because she said she would help me through this and understood it would take time but then she screamed at me to stop ruining her life. She even said she wished I would die. We were seeing a counselor and just the day before the fight we looked at each other, told each other how much we love each other and she even cried thinking about how good things could be. I'm so confused.

How much of it is me being BPD? Each time I've tried to speak with her, she accuses me of turning things around or laying a guilt trip on her or projecting things on her. I don't even know what's happening anymore. I feel lost, hurt, betrayed, and confused. As far as I know, I'm just being me although I can understand why constant questioning would trigger anger. But a complete explosion? Talk about all or nothing.

So I guess I'm just going to keep going with the meds and counseling to get myself right but I'm in a terrible place right now and needed to share.

Johnny,
Do you know why you are constantly questioning her?

By the way what exactly do you constantly question her about?

I'm always asking who she was with during the few years we were divorced. I don't know why exactly. I guess I'm either trying to make her out as a slut so I can leave or I want reassurance it was with only who she said it was. I realize it's none of my business because we were divorced. Hell, I was even completely over her when she asked me back into her life. It wasn't until we became serious again that I started getting delusional and insecure. The hard part about my questioning is that she's lied to me before. Several times. So that makes things more difficult.But she'll make me feel better then I go into my head and forget everything she told me and start imagining her in horrible ways. Since I found out I have BPD, it's been getting a lot better but it seems I asked one too many times. Today and yesterday were good. She had completely gone into hate mode and shut me out and I actually accepted it. We spoke today briefly and I'm hoping we can be cordial because it always hurts when she insists on remaining angry. I told her I understand what I was doing to her and I'm continuing with meds, therapy, and support groups. But it's true. I need to fix me before I can attempt any kind of relationship. It's a struggle, but I'll get there.

I think you have your answer. You are having abandonment / rejection fears perhaps? And also splitting?
You have your answer dude, that is to fix yourself first before going into any serious commitment.

Work on loving and respecting yourself. It ain't easy, but it is a key to recovery.