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I went to my first corporate party last night. My bf thought I could do it. I have been crying today.

I was afraid. And there were people there who were so accomplished, but I tried to hang on and just be sociable. One of my bf's friends hung with me, but I played games with her. I was an ass, and I didn't like myself. It was because I couldn't let her near me. She triggered things in me that were like those of the past. I liked her so much, a little too much. So much that I thought I didn't deserve to be with her or anyone there. I realize why I chose the life I did, it was because I thought I didn't deserve to be around what I wanted.

Now I am beating myself up. My bf is telling me to knock it off, that I did ok. Mistakes don't mean you need to be punished.

I know this is simple, but I just don't have it in me to type out all my thoughts. I'm pretty spent.

Forget this thread... I am ok now.... don't know why I posted.

Im doing it again. I think I put myself in a place for awhile where no one could get through, with walls so thick.... Now, I am beating myself up... just feel so guilty for being such a louse... I know I am breaking untwisting rules... but that's how I feel. Every mistake I make, am I going to beat myself up? Shoot, why? But it's like I can't stop the feeling and the need to beat myself up,... I keep doing comparisons with other people and seeing how I haven't achieved. Why?

It could hold me back from going forward. I don't want to feel the guilt everytime for mistakes and for not being what I hold true, for falling behind on what I want.

I'm a bit confused, so I'm sorry if I missed something in another thread or something. So, you went to a "work" party and you felt...less than the others? So to make yourself feel better, you "played games" with your BF's friend? What does that mean? As for the less than feelings, I get those too. I guess for me its been a situation of faking it till I make it. The more I force myself to go anyway, the better I do.